Chimpanzees Be Hatin' But I Take It All In Stride

Theme Song: "Till The World Ends" - Britney Spears

Incoming TEXT Message from Shannon:

Hey, I'm pretty sure Rob's buying me tickets to see Britney Spears
perform in DC for my birthday, but he's made it clear
that he doesn't want to go. 
Wanna come?

Gee. Let me think about it...

HELL TO THE YES!!!

Ever since I saw the video for "(You Drive Me) Crazy," which now that I think about it was TWELVE YEARS AGO, I've been fascinated with Miss Britney Spears. Her iconic "In The Zone" poster hung on my wall in high school and inspired me to design my intense ab workout regimen. The "I'm A Slave 4 U" song/video gave me the strength to embrace my sensuality and gradually come out to my closest friends. Over the years, I've amassed all her albums, singles, music videos, and DVD concert specials. Long story short: I love me some Brit-Brit.

In the two weeks leading up to the concert, I've got butterflies in my stomach and I'm agonizing over what I should wear for such a fabulous occasion. When the day finally arrives, Shannon and I endure bumper-to-bumper traffic for over an hour before reaching the Verizon Center in DC, an ENORMOUS stadium that reminds me of a miniature city. Seriously, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, that's where the posse and I'll shack up.

Since it's already 15 minutes after showtime, we can hear the hard-pounding bass of Brit's first opening act, Nervo. Neither Shannon nor I are remotely interested in seeing them, so we take this time to beat the post-show rush and buy some Femme Fatale tour merch. While standing in line for our T-Shirts and commemorative mugs, a random woman approaches us. Rocking a sleek body-hugging black dress, this middle-aged woman has the unnatural physique of a 20 year old. She enthusiastically introduces us to her tweenage daughter who's being rewarded for getting straight A's on her report card. It's cool to see first-hand how broad Britney's fanbase really is; although Brit has toned things down over the years, the 3 of us agree that Mama will have to cover the minor's ears when Nicki Minaj grabs the mic.

That's right, kids! We're lucky to see one of the last Femme Fatale performances to include co-headliner NICKI MINAJ! And let me tell you, that girl knows how to put on a show! From the opening drumbeat, Shannon and I jump up out of our seats and run to closer, yet empty, section to get a better look at all her theatrics--everything from an elaborate swordfight to giving her female backup dancers a tongue bath. The whole time I'm rapping along with Nicki, I'm shocked at how many of her songs I actually know. Among others, she performs mega-hits such as "Moment 4 Life," "Super Bass," "Where Them Girls At," "Roman's Revenge," and my personal favorite, "MoNSTeR." RAAAHHHH!!

Cue the :45 minute countdown to Britney. As the audience roars in anticipation, the giant video screens play a montage of Britney's sexiest video moments, and a tour-specific intro with a fictional detective on the hunt for the elusive Femme Fatale.

TONIGHT'S SET LIST

• Hold It Against Me
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• Up N’ Down
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• 3
 (The Singles Collection)
  
• Piece of Me (Blackout)
  
• Big Fat Bass
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• How I Roll (Femme Fatale)
  
• Lace and Leather (Circus)

  
• If U Seek Amy
 (Circus)
  
• Gimme More
 (Blackout)
  
• (Drop Dead) Beautiful (Femme Fatale)
  
• Boys (Britney)
  
• Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know (Oops! I Did It Again)

  
• ...Baby One More Time
 / S & M (...Baby One More Time)
  
• Trouble For Me
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• I’m A Slave 4 U
 (Britney)
  
• I Wanna Go
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• Womanizer
 (Circus)

When Britney finally saunters onto the phallus-shaped stage and purrs "Hey, Over there," everybody goes W-I-L-D, myself included. We all climb out of our seats and the dance party officially begins! Like everyone always says about celebrities, Brit-Brit looks slightly shorter than I've always pictured... but then again, we're up in the nosebleeds so for all I know, she's 6'2". :P

Most importantly, I'm SO glad to see that she's got her "bangin' tour body" back. She's perfectly toned but with plenty of curves, unlike Miss Madonna--seriously, check that chick's urine for steroids. It's hard to believe that girlfriend is on the edge of 29 with two toddlers at home.


Alright, let's address the Elephant in the Room. It's no secret that Britney lip-syncs on-stage. One of my all-time favorite quotes comes from Britney's former personal assistant: "You don't go to a Britney Spears show to hear her hit the high note." It really is all about the spectacle. On the ride to the concert, Shannon and I recall Kathy Griffin's stand-up routine about the Circus Tour and how she performed all the songs in order... basically saying that Britney popped the album in the boombox and pressed Play. :P From the moment Britney took the stage, it REALLY didn't matter if she was singing at all; she's such a natural performer that we were excited just to see her, hear the hits, and dance our asses off in the same room as her. According to Perez Hilton.com, she actually does sing 60% live on this tour, which is pretty awesome.


I'm pleasantly surprised that Britney has sprinkled in some songs from the extremely underrated BlackOut album--undoubtedly, her management team is still trying to erase Britney's unenthusiastic performance of the lead single, "Gimme More," at the VMAs from public memory. My personal favorite numbers are "Piece of Me," "(Drop Dead) Beautiful," "Big Fat Bass," and "S&M." By far, the most memorable moment is Britney's special Audience Member Lapdance, set to a lesser-known Circus track, entitled "Lace and Leather."


Pulling out all the stops, Britney ditches the Cirque du Soleil dancers from her previous tour and relies more on pyrotechnics, elaborate set pieces (eg. a gold-plated gondola, pink convertible), lush costumes, and irresistible remixes of her greatest hits.


After pumping out the hits for 90+ minutes, Britney returns for an encore and performs "Till The World Ends," a track written for her by songstress/Britney deciple, Ke$ha. Nicki Minaj comes back for the remix as Britney dons a metallic set of angel wings and soars over the audience. It's the perfect ending to an OUTSTANDING SHOW! I repeat, the girl knows how to entertain. =)

Now for the really fun part: getting the hell out of DC! After 10 minutes of sitting in line on the top floor of a parking garage, Shannon joking says. "We might as well walk to a bar and come back in an hour." ...Good plan. *puts car in park* IT'S BEEN REAL, BIT-CHES!! We hop out of the car and head to Clyde's, where we get our drink on with two rounds of delicious dessert cocktails and cake shooters. MMMMmmmm...

Whoa-ah-oh-oh-oh-oh-AHHOHH

Whoa-ah-oh-oh-oh-oh-OHHOHH