Theme Song: "Mortal Kombat" - The Immortals
A couple of months ago, I found myself lounging around the house with a rare Sunday night off from work. Determined to do something fun and/or productive, I literally Google'd "Fun gay things to do on a Sunday Night." It's a tragically short list consisting of Happy Hours, Country Western Nights, and All-Night Karaoke Events... and you guys know how much I LOVE me some karaoke! (Gag me with a spoon.)
Against all odds, one particular event catches my eye: JELLO WRESTLING at the So Addictive Lounge in Herndon, Virginia. Immediately, I sign up for the contest via text message but sadly, due to a 3-car pile-up on Route 50, I arrive at the club 2 hours later than expected. :'( It must be fate that the club decides to host another Jello Wrestling Night two months later on my birthday weekend. SIGN MY ASS UP!
In the hours leading up to the tournament, the DJ cranks up the Rihanna, Cazwell, and Nicki tracks. Meanwhile, I'm sprawled across a couch wearing my favorite N2N singlet, with a red light beaming down on me. I'm taking full advantage of the bar's Wrestler Discount of 3 free drinks (or up to $15). SwEEt. By the time the announcer is ready to get this show on the road, I am thoroughly buzzed.
The first match of the night pits gay boy Stevie against Emily, the night's sole female combatant. He'll make quick work of her, right? WROOONNNNG! That bitch tosses him around the ring, clamps on a series of brutal headlocks, and literally wedgies his ass apart! Watching this embarrassing display, I have to cheer my fellow gay boy on, "Don't let her do you like dat!" Emily wins two rounds in a row, making her the undisputed champion of that bout. I'm SO glad I don't have to face her. There's something about a guy wrestling with a girl... it just looks so unnatural. *cringe*
Once Emily and Stevie have exited the ring, I kick my shoes off and get ready for my big match with Danny, the red-headed college student. I hand my camera to one of his girlfriends so she can videotape the whole bloody affair. Upon stepping into the ring, I'm immediately shocked by how FREEZING COLD the jello feels on my feet. Seriously, I'm shivering. Danny and I shake hands and get down to business.
As I'm tussling, shoving, and rolling around with this guy, I can hear his cheering section the entire time, leading me to think that maybe I should've brought a posse for moral support. That's the eternal dilemma I have with sleazy nightclub events: Should I bring a cheering section... or do I want to look my friends in the eye ever again without feeling ashamed? XD Oh well, I'm obviously gonna be the Heel ("the Villain" in Pro Wrestling jargon) of tonight's match.
Another thing I quickly realize is that my whole strategy for tonight is COMPLETELY shot to Hell. After an entire afternoon wasted watching YouTube videos like "Jello Wrestling for Dummies," I realize that none of those fancy maneuvers will work in this tiny-ass baby pool. We can barely turn around, let alone do a running maneuver without fear of seriously injuring somebody. And at the end of the night, this really is all just in good fun.
After a few minutes of brutal give-and-take, I finally get the jump on that ho, straddle him, and pin his shoulders to the floor. "1... 2... 3!" SLiM JiM takes the first round! THAT shuts up the crowd, haha! :P One round down, one to go.
TOP PRIORITIES:
#1: DO NOT Fall Out Of The Pool
#2: DO NOT Get That "JELLO" In My Mouth
#3: PIN DAT HEIFER!
(You would think that an erection would factor in somewhere but honestly, when you're exerting so much physical effort, sexual arousal barely crosses your mind.)
Even though I'm sure it'll be sexy to watch our match after the fact, when we're actually battling it out, I feel so slimy, disgusting, and uncomfortable. We're basically rolling around in a giant UNSANITARY Slurpie cup. And in the middle of our match, the unspeakable happens: I GET "JELLO" IN MY EYES, EARS, NOSE, AND MOUTH! It hits my taste buds and my brain immediately responds, "This is SO not Jello." I literally have to call a Time Out, go to my corner, pick the sweaty hairs out of my mouth, and spit out all the foot and crotch juice and God knows what else. YUM-MY.
At that point, I'm DONE... but I refuse to just quit and walk away. I have brain freeze, my WHOLE body is covered in this icy crap, and I'm just waiting for Danny to pin me already. So many times, I land on my back, but I'm strong enough to push him off just using my shoulders. If you wanna win, you've still gotta earn it, bitch! Eventually, I give in and he takes the 2nd round. When the SUDDEN DEATH Round starts, my masterplan backfires. The DJ plays MY request, "Mortal Kombat," and Danny's all fired up. Oh shit, I used up all my energy earlier and I know I'm goin' down. And within minutes, WHAM, I'm on my back and I truly don't have the energy or desire to get back up. You've certainly earned this victory, Danny Boy, but mark my words: I shall return! XP
Once the final bell rings, Danny hoists me up and gives me a bearhug. Good match. :) I'm quickly escorted off-stage, into the So Addictive kitchen area. This middle-aged Asian man takes me into the backroom. I peel off my sticky singlet to reveal my red jockstrap. He has me stand in a metal crockpot as he hoses me off with scalding hot water. And yet somehow... I don't feel any cleaner, lol.
Ultimately, Danny probably would be crowned the winner, but at the last possible second, a mysterious wino appears at the end of the bar and drunkenly yells, "I'M GOIN' IN!" *collective gasp!* Out of nowhere, 41-year-old George dominates the competition, wrestling all three of his nubile opponents into submission. And it's such a beautiful thing to watch, lol! Despite all the ups and downs, this was THE BEST birthday weekend I've ever had. Time to start planning next year's festivities!
This was funny and interesting! I couldn't tell from Jims Global video that he won the first round! I wish I was there to cheer him on especially on his Birthday! Thanks for sharing Jim. Phillip (Global)
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