The Best Little Whorehouse in DC!

Theme Song: "Unzip Me" - Cazwell & Peaches

I'm shaved, showered, and ready to go when the cell phone rings. It's Paul: he's going to be a little late... roughly an hour late... meaning he is just NOW leaving Pennsylvania, as I'd anticipated. Had he not coerced me into bumping our dinner reservation up to 8:00 instead of 9, we wouldn't have this problem, but HEY, I'm just glad he's coming at all. :D Let's start celebrating, goddammit!

Eventually, Paul shows up on my doorstep and I squeeze myself into the backseat of his clown car, taking a brief moment to greet the two female strangers sitting next to me. "Happy Birthday!" Thanks... WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? :P Apparently, when Paul and I were hashing out the guest list, he couldn't tell by the inflection of my voice that I seriously did NOT want strangers at my party... well, not unless they were ruggedly handsome gay bachelors. Of course, I agreed that Matt should tag along for the festivities, seeing as he is Paul's first steady boyfriend in weeks. Besides, the three of us have hung out together in York once before, so I don't mind.

After a long uncomfortable car ride, we finally arrive in Chevy Chase, Maryland, and take in the sights. The streets are littered with upscale A-List stores like Tiffany's, Cartier, and Louis Vuitton. But I am most delighted when we pass THE GAP outlet store... covered in Caution Tape. Watch Out, Yuppies: You just might catch POOR! :P

Since it's my birthday, Paul is taking me to one of my favorite restaurants, P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro. Fantastic food, reasonable prices, I love it. Once we're all seated at the restaurant, it's made even more obvious how much I don't fit in at my own damn party. All the other guests are coupled up--Paul & Matt, Girl #1 & Girl #2--so everyone but the Birthday Boy gets to order from the Couples Menu. *tear*

Throughout dinner, Matt gives us real-time updates on Joe Paterno's mortality, though at one point the Associated Press jumped the gun and said he was dead when he was very much alive. It's reminiscent of the shoddy press coverage when the Pope was on his deathbed... for hours. Logically, the conversation goes from celebrity deaths to politics--the most excellent of dinner topics--when Girl #2 reveals that she is a Republican. AND...I'm done listening. OHHH, it's because your parents are Republicans? That's SO fucking stupid. Inexcusable. Honestly, in this day and age, I believe it's next-to-impossible for someone to be a true Humanitarian and vote Republican.

While the waitress is working on our desserts, Paul makes his Birthday toast. It's spontaneous, short, sweet, funny, and I'm extremely touched. <3 Unfortunately, he's the only good thing about this B*Day dinner, besides the delicious cuisine. While I'm having an emotional response to Paul's words, the girls are carrying on a side conversation and giggling. None of them understand our relationship, our inside jokes (OR-EN I-SHIIIIIII, Lol!), our love and devotion for one another, and it just cheapens the whole celebration.

After collectively demolishing the Great Wall of Chocolate, we finally head out for the main attraction, THE STRIP CLUB! Twenty minutes later, we arrive at Ziegfeld's/Secrets, which is pants-down my favorite club in DC. We decide to kill some time on the ground floor (Ziegfeld's) and watch the famous Drag Show. As per tradition, we order a round of Blowjob shots and let the fun begin. Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can actually DO the shot without making a mess... and yet I'M THE SINGLE ONE! >_<

The night goes even farther downhill when the Drag Queen Hostess, Ella Fitzgerald, starts talking about GrindR, aka one of the greatest inventions of all time. For those not in the know, GrindR is a hookup/dating service that basically works like a gay GPS that tells you exactly how far you are from other gay people, whether they're single or in a relationship, looking for a chat buddy, a long-term relationship, or a quick handjob. Ella steals someone's phone and the first name that comes up is "MATT, FIVE FEET AWAY?!" Shit, we all look at Matt, who's been uncomfortable since we arrived at the club, and he's denying it to the death. To which I say, "You ain't got to lie, Craig." It's OK, a lot of respectable gay men use GrindR. But then again, I'm single, so I'm allowed to GRIND. ;-P

By the time we go upstairs to the actual strip club, Matt is turning gray and looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. Three steps onto the dance floor and he's gone. Of course, Paul has to run after him... leaving me with the straight girls. *sigh* On the bright side, we're in a room full of a naked men, so I'll have no trouble keeping myself occupied. It's pretty sad when I'd rather dive into a sea of dancing strangers than hang out with Paul's random guests. After doing a few laps and tipping some hot guys, I see that the girls have been standing exactly where I left them a half hour ago; they're just staring at the same naked hunk with a glazed look on their faces. Well, go on, TIP THE MAN, lol!

After a while we get bored and head back downstairs for the Late Drag Show, where we grab a table and talk about our star-crossed lovers. It's getting ridiculous; they have been M.I.A. for over two hours now--actually, they've been "talking" in the parking lot. Bored out of my skull, I simply text Paul that we're all ready to go. In the meantime, I shove a $1 bill in J.Lo's bra, and she whispers something in my ear. "Hold This, Babe." Hold WHAT Now? XD Don't worry: her 10-pound necklace just fell off and she wants me to take it to the dressing room. Aww, anything for you, Miss Lopez!

Now that Matt's finally done with his sissy fit, Paul returns to the stage area, and we try to make the most of our last 30 minutes together. In the distance, I see a miserable Matt standing alone by the DJ booth just staring off into space, but I don't bring it up. Because if there's ONE thing I've learned in my 25 years, it's that you "Never Upset The Driver." Seriously, that's how you get your ass LEFT in DC at 3AM! >_< And I sure-as-hell ain't taking a cab back to Pasadena, Mmmkay!

The house lights come up and we all mentally prepare ourselves for the ride home: an hour for me, 2+ for most of them. I dread climbing into the backseat, where I'm sandwiched cheek-to-cheek between Matt and one of the girls. I must resist the urge to beat him senseless for ruining my night with his Drama Queen antics. Once again, the only good part of this evening was spending it with my best friend, who I get to see once-a-month if I'm lucky. I LOVE YOU, MAN! <3 I know you meant well.