I'm scrolling through my emails and imagine my surprise when I stumble upon a word I haven't uttered since grade school: DODGEBALL. While most kids dreaded the sport, it was always one of my favorites. In addition to having impeccable aim, I was also a 55-lb. gymnast with a penchant for somersaults and barrel rolls. Needless to say, my exploits are legendary. I wasn't awarded High Point Elementary's 1998 Best Athlete plaque for nothin', folks.
The Legend Of
el diablo
In the hopes of fostering brotherhood among the GLBTQ community, Team DC
(A Coalition of GLBT sports teams) is holding a dodgeball tournament at
the local rec center. I've been invited to play alongside my friends from
Capital City Volleyball. After a few days of silent contemplation, I
respond with an emphatic YES! Less than a week before the tournament,
we're scrambling to meet the "2 women per team" requirement. It's
shocking because I have an abundance of girl friends... unfortunately,
none of them would willingly take a ball to the face. Luckily, all the
other teams are facing the same dilemma, so at the last minute, this sexist
stipulation is removed.Game Day finally arrives and after circling the District for nearly half an hour, I give up on street parking altogether and settle for my usual spot, the DC*USA Garage. Fortunately, nobody bats an eye when I reach the registration table. ONLY at a gay event can I arrive almost an hour late and not be the last one to arrive. ;-D Inside the gym, I'm greeted by Jeremiah, who refers to me as "Angel" because of my fresh-faced innocence, of course. *wink-nudge* I look around the room and realize something's missing: WHERE ARE ALL THE DODGEBALLS?
Much to everyone's surprise, the iconic red rubber balls have been replaced by tiny foam balls. Days before the tournament, our fearless leader, Marc, dubbed our team "The Ball Blockers" because as volleyball players, it would be extremely easy for us to just bunt the dodgeballs into the air and catch 'em. Well... there goes that strategy! >_< As expected, these new lightweight balls are much harder to catch at high speeds and throw with accuracy.
As I leap into the fray, I look around and quickly realize that we're up against some bloodthirsty BEASTS! When the whistle blows, we all sprint to center-court to grab a ball. My heart's pounding as I have to wrestle bitches for that ball; in that aspect, only one guy got the jump on me all day. After winning 3 of our 5 scrimmages, I overhear one of our opponents talking about how his team has been playing dodgeball together for over 2 years. PROS?! There are professional dodgeball players??!
When our team isn't busy gettin' bruised and battered, we hang out in the bleachers with our Sister team, The Honey Badgers who--you've guessed it--Don't give a FUCK. We're cracking jokes about how insanely competitive the other teams are. There's even an ugly rumor that some of them might be STRAIGHT! *gasp!* Even on the sidelines, the audience is getting pelted with stray balls; nelly screams are heard all over the gym. Unfortunately, the Honey Badgers would ultimately double-cross us by bringing in a ringer from one of the more brutal teams. Isn't it odd that their entire team is eliminated but the Ringer is still in and dealing with six of us?
Things take a nasty turn when we're up against one of the juggernaut squads. Out of nowhere, a ball hits me in the eye so hard it nearly knocks out my fucking contact lens. As I stumble over to the sideline, my teammates yell out, "DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE STILL IN!" *glares* BETCH, I CAN'T SEE! Like a scene straight out of Ladybugs, I start hurling the balls a lot harder at those juice pigs. When the match is over, Chris tells me, "Girrrrl, you betta' put a Red Bull on that shiner!" I take his advice and get ready for the next match of our Double Elimination.
SORRY. I COULDN'T RESIST! =P
