Witness HELL... in 3-D!

IMMORTALS
(2011, Dir: Tarsem Singh)

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Arguably this fall's most anticipated blockbuster, Immortals, tells the story of fabled hero Theseus, and how he earned his place in the Greek pantheon. Raised in a peaceful village, Theseus' home is swiftly invaded by a horde of merciless drones. Theseus is detained and forced to watch his mother be slaughtered at the hands of the evil Pussy Galore. What? Oh wait, my sources tell me that's Hyperion. You're sure? ...With that ridiculous helmet? Alright. Anyway... with his mother gone, Theseus makes it his new life mission to seek bloody revenge on her killer, HYP-E-RION, and his cohorts.

Along with a few lucky survivors, Theseus is taken into Hyperion's custody as a salt-mining slave. Fortunately for him, he happens to share a jail cell with the Four Virgin Oracles... or as I like to call them, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Psychics. Inspired by a puzzling vision of Theseus' future and the fall of Greece, the true Oracle (aka "The Real Slim Shady") plans a slave rebellion and paves the way for his escape. With Theseus, the Oracle, the stubborn Warrior, and the useless Monk, the Dream Team is born.

In his conversations with the Oracle and the Monk, it is quickly established that Theseus is a skeptic with zero faith in the Gods; after all, they let his mother die. Despite his disbelief, Theseus goes on a quest to find the Emperor's bow, made by Heracles himself.

Although the Dream Team encounters some ferocious foes along the way, Zeus commands the lesser gods not to mettle in mankind's affairs; violation of this order is punishable by death... and he ain't kidding! The only way they can intervene is in the oh-so-unlikely event that the Titans are freed from their subterranean prison.

One of the few female characters in this movie is the Oracle. It is said that she must remain pure and virginal if she wants to keep her powers of prophesy. But after 30 minutes of watching Theseus strut around crushing skulls, she's like FUCK THAT! Honestly, when Theseus throws on that Bom-Chicka-Wow-Wow, what's she gonna say?

After crossing that off his To-Do List, Theseus is now ready for the final showdown against Hyperion. And against all odds, *insert eyeroll here* the Titans are inadvertently released. So now, the Gods are here to save everyone's ass, YAY!

Even though the entire movie was marketed around the concept of Immortals, the Greek Gods have less than 15 minutes of screen time. The characters are grossly under-utilized, and thanks to extremely similar costumes, are indistinguishable from one another. Seriously, it would be so much easier if they were wearing name tags. The only ones that are addressed by name are granddaddy Zeus, his daughter-wife Athena, and of course, Poseidon, played by that hot piece of Twilight booty, Kellan Lutz. The rest of 'em all looked like Apollo to me, but according to the ending credits, Heracles and Aries were also in this picture. As a longtime fan of Hercules and Xena, I'm used to seeing my gods in very expressive costumes; Aries sports black leather, Aphrodite flaunts pink lace, and of course, Poseidon is a 200-foot-tall sea creature.

All in all, this film features everything audiences expect from the producers of 300: exquisite set-pieces, amazing lighting, muscular hotties, and plenty of macho one-liners. And of course, everything's in SLOW MOTION, helping to fill at least 30 minutes of dead space. It's your standard "popcorn movie," where you can just turn your brain OFF and enjoy some good old fashioned revenge. However, I can't recommend that anyone shell out $14 to go see it in 3-D. Save your money and re-watch the hyperviolent sensation, Spartacus, on the STARZ network; it features even more musclebound (and emotionally complex) characters, extended sex scenes, not to mention blood and gore by the gallon.