Theme Song: "Somebody To Love (Remix)" - Justin Bieber & Usher
And just so you know, I'm showering at your place, lol.
I am literally a HOT MESS right now!
YAY. With any luck, he won't send all the hot guys running tonight! :D Once I get home from work, I give him the Thumbs Up to come over. It's 9PM when Paul pulls into the driveway. As usual, I welcome him inside and lead him into the guest bedroom. I've taken the liberty of laying some sexy threads on the bed, since he has obviously stopped trying... perhaps now that he's seeing someone?
After we're both showered and dressed to kill, we head to the local Dunkin' Donuts, WOOO! Wait. That was a premature "Woo"--unfortunately, Dunkin's closes at 8:00, so we opt for the Double T Diner instead. Seriously, I don't think I've been inside the Double T Diner since Prom Night; it's waaay too "Middle America" for my liking. Not that I'm worried that it won't be "gay friendly," because frankly, wherever the fuck Paul and I go, they had best be gay-friendly to us... otherwise, we will give them some real problems. Whether it's the Double T Diner or the Lincoln Diner or wherever the fuck.
Eager to scarf down some breakfast food at 10 in the evening, I opt for a short stack, eggs, and a mimosa. For the first time in the years that I've known him, Paul (or as I lovingly call him, "McFatFat") has a difficult time finding ANYTHING to his liking on the menu. He goes back and forth between cereal, oatmeal, yogurt, and wraps until I finally tell him to just get a banana cream pie and be done with it. He obliges.
Halfway through the meal, he calls up his current love interest, Josh, and invites him to dinner. Eventually, Josh rolls in, looking EXHAUSTED from a long day's work. The first thing he does is whip out his brand-new iPhone; ironically, seconds before his arrival Paul and I were joking about Josh's torrid love affair with the expensive new gadget and how he probably just put it on Vibrate and called it a night. ;-) I give them some alone time by heading to the restroom.
When I get back, Paul's watching Josh play "QUARTERS" on his iPhone, a game in which you flick a digital quarter off surfaces into a cup. ...I am not amused. But he's Paul's steady and I wanna be friendly, so I ask him about the phone's other features. After checking out the GPS and the LightSaber application, we ultimately end up watching a FaceBook video of EJ performing in drag (under his stage name Eve D'Mure).
Once the boys are done with their coffee, we make our way to Baltimore. On the way, we're listening to Josh's mix-tapes while he loudly sings along. Gazing out the window, all I can think is, "Somebody, please get me the FUCK out of here!" From the car, I call EJ and he tells me that he's at LEON'S. Who the hell is Leon... and is he cute? He responds, "It's a Bear Bar." Oh. OHHHH, this could be interesting.
Josh parks in front of LEON'S and EJ is outside waiting. I jog toward him Baywatch-style and give him a big bearhug. While my back is turned, Paul and Josh have taken this opportunity to start making out. With a knowing expression, EJ turns back to me and says, "You should've leapt into my arms." We laugh, he takes me by the hand and leads me into LEON'S.
Oh, LEON'S. Much to my surprise, this is not a "Bear Bar," as EJ promised... it's a fuckin' nursing home.
*cringe* Seriously, the four of us walk through the door and the median-age goes down by 30 years. It's literally just 15 old guys... and us. Those ain't good odds, y'all. Making the best of it, I pull up a stool next to EJ and his friend, Hunter. Unprepared for what I'm about to see, my jaw hits the floor when the bartender turns around and honestly, he's gotta be at least 80 years old. In fact, I believe he's the Oldest Living Baltimorean, showing off his guns in a sleeveless tee. SOOO many things are wrong with this situation.Desperate for a change of scenery, I ask EJ to point out the bathroom; he escorts me over and says, "Be sure to lock the door," whatever that means! While inside, I turn around, there is no lock, and I immediately start to panic, my mind reeling with visions of men with gray handlebar mustaches bursting in to have their way with me. NOT what I'm into. I'm in and out, I re-join the guys by the bar, and once I realize that there's no dancefloor, I politely tell EJ: GET US THE HELL OUTTA HERE, MAN!
We literally shotgun our dirt-cheap drinks and sprint out the door. EJ and Hunter opt for the Drinkery (a neighborhood bar) while Josh, Paul, and I stick to the original gameplan: Grand Central. After I thank EJ for making me "The Third Wheel" yet again, Hunter tells me that I'm so cute that I won't be alone for long tonight. Awww, flattery will get you everywhere with me, Honey.
After narrowly avoiding death on the Charles Street crosswalk, we arrive at Grand Central and eagerly make our way to the dancefloor. Lo and Behold, we enter the room and the very FIRST person we see is Marty (a friend from high school). Looks like we've found our Fourth; let's call The Corners, shall we? ;-) Sadly, everyone in his crew's either out of town or in no mood to dance tonight. Bummer. We have a dancing 4-gy goin' for a while before breaking off into pairs: Paul with Josh and me with Marty.
Sometimes I forget how much Marty and I have in common as the "Eternal Bachelors." Effortlessly moving our bodies in perfect rhythm, we begin to commiserate:
James: "Honestly, I haven't had a long-term boyfriend in two years!"
Marty: "Honey, two years ago, I had an effing fiancee!"
James: "Oh yeah, that's right. YOU WIN. *pause* Marty, you deserve a great guy... but let's be real, You are NOT gonna find him here!"
At this point, I finally look into those eyes and realize that there's a lot of pain behind that smile. I should know, I was the same way for almost a year, even though I never had what Marty did. I remember meeting Colin, Marty's former fiancee, and although I was a little jealous, they were one of those gay couples I was actually rooting for. At the very least, they looked great together, but I could only imagine what ultimately lead to their messy break-up. I'd hate to pry but seriously, I think he should talk about it; sometimes, bitching and moaning is the only way to truly get over it. But I suppose we're all just a little bit damaged and it's healthy. In an effort to ensure that at least one of us will get some action tonight, I ask him, "See anything you like around here?" He responds, "Not really. But the bartender told me I'm adorable, so all my drinks are free." We share a look and I burst out laughing because we both have been around the block long enough to know this: You do not, I repeat, DO NOT, fall for 1) BARTENDERS and 2) GO-GO BOYS... That is never your Fairytale ending.
Politely, Marty offers to play Matchmaker for me as well. "You see anyone?" I do a methodical dance spin, inconspicuously scanning the entire dance floor. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Actually, that's not true. There were a few decent ones but they're all with someone. "Of course! So, what's your type?" Someone around my size, not too tall, not too short. I'm not really into "Straight Acting" guys. "Really? I'm the opposite. I only date football players!" ...Right. On that note, I decide to take another lap around the dancefloor, in hopes of spotting that elusive single hottie. Not happening. I return to my original spot... PAUL AND JOSH ARE GONE.Those Sons of Bitches. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't just leave without telling me, but Hell, those two guys have been full of surprises lately. After wandering around the entire Dance Area for five minutes, I bust down the bathroom door, craning my neck under the stall, checking for two familiar pairs of shoes. No one's fucking in there, Thank God!
Angrily shoving my way through a mob of queens in the Bar & Billiards area, I catch sight of another familiar face, Andre. Andre was unknowingly my Main Gay back in middle school, when we bonded over our love for the Spice Girls. Although we subsequently drifted apart, it's fun to run into him downtown every now and then for some small talk. I give him and his companion a detailed description of the Missing Couple, but sadly, they're clueless. I bid them Adieu and warn them that if they hear someone screaming across the bar, "My house is not in FORECLOSURE, Bitch!" then they might wanna get the fuck outta my way.Upon thorough inspection, the first floor has been cleared. I wander into the Forbidden Realm, ascending the stairwell to SAPPHO'S, the adjoining Lesbian bar. *cringe* As usual, it's dead up there except for three lesbians, four old guys, and a lava lamp. I shield my eyes as to not become a pillar of salt, and make my way to the outdoor patio, the last possible hiding place. BINGO! There they are.
Of course, I proceed to let the bitches have it, as I should! Apparently, they just wanted to give me some alone time with Marty. WHAT? Someone could've let me know; I tore myself away from Marty after a few songs, because I came with my friends and I didn't wanna cockblock Marty by clinging to him all damn night. For some reason, my Fairy Godmothers have come to the consensus that Marty should be tonight's prey. I tell them that I'm not that into Marty and wouldn't want to lead him on. Josh responds, "Then why are we talking about him so much tonight?" And I bluntly reply, "Because he's the only fuckable guy in the room!" It's true, he's hot, he's eligible, but he's also my friend and that complicates things.
One by one, they each throw around words of wisdom: "Tell him you forgot his number and you need it again," "Get up on that ledge and dance like a stripper whore!" "Shake what yo' mama gave ya!" They tell me I need to be aggressive, recounting the story of how they met. *eye roll* I remember it very well, and girls, that sort of behavior is nothing to brag about.
In an attempt to get them off my back, I decide to humor them and put their words into action. The three of us return to the dancefloor when the DJ starts playing "Video Phone." Rocking my hips to and fro, my eyes are drawn to the stage, where I see Marty dancing solo. I walk to the stage's edge and cheer him on for a little bit; he extends his hand to pull me up, but I effortlessly hop up with no help at all. While Beyoncé and Lady GaGa's voices blare over the loud speaker, my body collides with Marty's as we bump and grind, my spidery fingers sensuously crawling up and down his chest to his abs to his thighs. Song ends. I re-join Paul and Josh for a bit, making sure they don't abandon me this time.
The lights start to flicker as the DJ says, "LAST CALL." Shit. If I'm going to do this, then I'd better do it NOW. When the final set begins, everything goes into Slow Motion. Taking my cue from Justin in that iconic scene from Queer As Folk, I remove the vest, sling it over Paul's shoulder, and saunter over to the stage. I wait 'til Marty and I are next to each other before I strip off my shirt and show him the goods. He approves, he applauds.
After some perfectly innocent corn-holing on Stage Right, we get into some hot & heavy maneuvers, as members of the crowd cheer us on. It's fun to watch his eyes go wide as I slam him against the padded wall and thrust my crotch into his. Our necks nuzzled against one another, we tantalize the masses and give each other a sexy rush. Once the music stops, we share a friendly bearhug, and he lets me know that I've always got a dance partner. =) We part ways and I mentally prepare myself for the car ride home with the Dynamic Duo.
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