A Nasty Case of Stage Fight

Theme Song: "Mortal Kombat" - The Immortals

A couple of months ago, I found myself lounging around the house with a rare Sunday night off from work. Determined to do something fun and/or productive, I literally Google'd "Fun gay things to do on a Sunday Night." It's a tragically short list consisting of Happy Hours, Country Western Nights, and All-Night Karaoke Events... and you guys know how much I LOVE me some karaoke! (Gag me with a spoon.)

Against all odds, one particular event catches my eye: JELLO WRESTLING at the So Addictive Lounge in Herndon, Virginia. Immediately, I sign up for the contest via text message but sadly, due to a 3-car pile-up on Route 50, I arrive at the club 2 hours later than expected. :'( It must be fate that the club decides to host another Jello Wrestling Night two months later on my birthday weekend. SIGN MY ASS UP!

Come Sunday evening, I drive down to Virginia and help set up the monthly Jello Wrestling competition. I walk through the door and see only five other people inside; luckily, they're all young and attractive, so I don't mind. Gazing at the sign-up sheet, I see a whopping 26 names and yet, only ONE of the guys I've met is actually competing. OHHH, I guess HE's my competition. He and I size each other up as we assemble the PVC wrestling ring.

In the hours leading up to the tournament, the DJ cranks up the Rihanna, Cazwell, and Nicki tracks. Meanwhile, I'm sprawled across a couch wearing my favorite N2N singlet, with a red light beaming down on me. I'm taking full advantage of the bar's Wrestler Discount of 3 free drinks (or up to $15). SwEEt. By the time the announcer is ready to get this show on the road, I am thoroughly buzzed.

The first match of the night pits gay boy Stevie against Emily, the night's sole female combatant. He'll make quick work of her, right? WROOONNNNG! That bitch tosses him around the ring, clamps on a series of brutal headlocks, and literally wedgies his ass apart! Watching this embarrassing display, I have to cheer my fellow gay boy on, "Don't let her do you like dat!" Emily wins two rounds in a row, making her the undisputed champion of that bout. I'm SO glad I don't have to face her. There's something about a guy wrestling with a girl... it just looks so unnatural. *cringe*

Once Emily and Stevie have exited the ring, I kick my shoes off and get ready for my big match with Danny, the red-headed college student. I hand my camera to one of his girlfriends so she can videotape the whole bloody affair. Upon stepping into the ring, I'm immediately shocked by how FREEZING COLD the jello feels on my feet. Seriously, I'm shivering. Danny and I shake hands and get down to business.

As I'm tussling, shoving, and rolling around with this guy, I can hear his cheering section the entire time, leading me to think that maybe I should've brought a posse for moral support. That's the eternal dilemma I have with sleazy nightclub events: Should I bring a cheering section... or do I want to look my friends in the eye ever again without feeling ashamed? XD Oh well, I'm obviously gonna be the Heel ("the Villain" in Pro Wrestling jargon) of tonight's match.

Another thing I quickly realize is that my whole strategy for tonight is COMPLETELY shot to Hell. After an entire afternoon wasted watching YouTube videos like "Jello Wrestling for Dummies," I realize that none of those fancy maneuvers will work in this tiny-ass baby pool. We can barely turn around, let alone do a running maneuver without fear of seriously injuring somebody. And at the end of the night, this really is all just in good fun.

After a few minutes of brutal give-and-take, I finally get the jump on that ho, straddle him, and pin his shoulders to the floor. "1... 2... 3!" SLiM JiM takes the first round! THAT shuts up the crowd, haha! :P One round down, one to go.

TOP PRIORITIES:

#1: DO NOT Fall Out Of The Pool

#2: DO NOT Get That "JELLO" In My Mouth 

#3: PIN DAT HEIFER!

(You would think that an erection would factor in somewhere but honestly, when you're exerting so much physical effort, sexual arousal barely crosses your mind.)

Even though I'm sure it'll be sexy to watch our match after the fact, when we're actually battling it out, I feel so slimy, disgusting, and uncomfortable. We're basically rolling around in a giant UNSANITARY Slurpie cup. And in the middle of our match, the unspeakable happens: I GET "JELLO" IN MY EYES, EARS, NOSE, AND MOUTH! It hits my taste buds and my brain immediately responds, "This is SO not Jello." I literally have to call a Time Out, go to my corner, pick the sweaty hairs out of my mouth, and spit out all the foot and crotch juice and God knows what else. YUM-MY.

At that point, I'm DONE... but I refuse to just quit and walk away. I have brain freeze, my WHOLE body is covered in this icy crap, and I'm just waiting for Danny to pin me already. So many times, I land on my back, but I'm strong enough to push him off just using my shoulders. If you wanna win, you've still gotta earn it, bitch! Eventually, I give in and he takes the 2nd round. When the SUDDEN DEATH Round starts, my masterplan backfires. The DJ plays MY request, "Mortal Kombat," and Danny's all fired up. Oh shit, I used up all my energy earlier and I know I'm goin' down. And within minutes, WHAM, I'm on my back and I truly don't have the energy or desire to get back up. You've certainly earned this victory, Danny Boy, but mark my words: I shall return! XP

Once the final bell rings, Danny hoists me up and gives me a bearhug. Good match. :) I'm quickly escorted off-stage, into the So Addictive kitchen area. This middle-aged Asian man takes me into the backroom. I peel off my sticky singlet to reveal my red jockstrap. He has me stand in a metal crockpot as he hoses me off with scalding hot water. And yet somehow... I don't feel any cleaner, lol.

Ultimately, Danny probably would be crowned the winner, but at the last possible second, a mysterious wino appears at the end of the bar and drunkenly yells, "I'M GOIN' IN!" *collective gasp!* Out of nowhere, 41-year-old George dominates the competition, wrestling all three of his nubile opponents into submission. And it's such a beautiful thing to watch, lol! Despite all the ups and downs, this was THE BEST birthday weekend I've ever had. Time to start planning next year's festivities!

The Best Little Whorehouse in DC!

Theme Song: "Unzip Me" - Cazwell & Peaches

I'm shaved, showered, and ready to go when the cell phone rings. It's Paul: he's going to be a little late... roughly an hour late... meaning he is just NOW leaving Pennsylvania, as I'd anticipated. Had he not coerced me into bumping our dinner reservation up to 8:00 instead of 9, we wouldn't have this problem, but HEY, I'm just glad he's coming at all. :D Let's start celebrating, goddammit!

Eventually, Paul shows up on my doorstep and I squeeze myself into the backseat of his clown car, taking a brief moment to greet the two female strangers sitting next to me. "Happy Birthday!" Thanks... WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? :P Apparently, when Paul and I were hashing out the guest list, he couldn't tell by the inflection of my voice that I seriously did NOT want strangers at my party... well, not unless they were ruggedly handsome gay bachelors. Of course, I agreed that Matt should tag along for the festivities, seeing as he is Paul's first steady boyfriend in weeks. Besides, the three of us have hung out together in York once before, so I don't mind.

After a long uncomfortable car ride, we finally arrive in Chevy Chase, Maryland, and take in the sights. The streets are littered with upscale A-List stores like Tiffany's, Cartier, and Louis Vuitton. But I am most delighted when we pass THE GAP outlet store... covered in Caution Tape. Watch Out, Yuppies: You just might catch POOR! :P

Since it's my birthday, Paul is taking me to one of my favorite restaurants, P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro. Fantastic food, reasonable prices, I love it. Once we're all seated at the restaurant, it's made even more obvious how much I don't fit in at my own damn party. All the other guests are coupled up--Paul & Matt, Girl #1 & Girl #2--so everyone but the Birthday Boy gets to order from the Couples Menu. *tear*

Throughout dinner, Matt gives us real-time updates on Joe Paterno's mortality, though at one point the Associated Press jumped the gun and said he was dead when he was very much alive. It's reminiscent of the shoddy press coverage when the Pope was on his deathbed... for hours. Logically, the conversation goes from celebrity deaths to politics--the most excellent of dinner topics--when Girl #2 reveals that she is a Republican. AND...I'm done listening. OHHH, it's because your parents are Republicans? That's SO fucking stupid. Inexcusable. Honestly, in this day and age, I believe it's next-to-impossible for someone to be a true Humanitarian and vote Republican.

While the waitress is working on our desserts, Paul makes his Birthday toast. It's spontaneous, short, sweet, funny, and I'm extremely touched. <3 Unfortunately, he's the only good thing about this B*Day dinner, besides the delicious cuisine. While I'm having an emotional response to Paul's words, the girls are carrying on a side conversation and giggling. None of them understand our relationship, our inside jokes (OR-EN I-SHIIIIIII, Lol!), our love and devotion for one another, and it just cheapens the whole celebration.

After collectively demolishing the Great Wall of Chocolate, we finally head out for the main attraction, THE STRIP CLUB! Twenty minutes later, we arrive at Ziegfeld's/Secrets, which is pants-down my favorite club in DC. We decide to kill some time on the ground floor (Ziegfeld's) and watch the famous Drag Show. As per tradition, we order a round of Blowjob shots and let the fun begin. Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can actually DO the shot without making a mess... and yet I'M THE SINGLE ONE! >_<

The night goes even farther downhill when the Drag Queen Hostess, Ella Fitzgerald, starts talking about GrindR, aka one of the greatest inventions of all time. For those not in the know, GrindR is a hookup/dating service that basically works like a gay GPS that tells you exactly how far you are from other gay people, whether they're single or in a relationship, looking for a chat buddy, a long-term relationship, or a quick handjob. Ella steals someone's phone and the first name that comes up is "MATT, FIVE FEET AWAY?!" Shit, we all look at Matt, who's been uncomfortable since we arrived at the club, and he's denying it to the death. To which I say, "You ain't got to lie, Craig." It's OK, a lot of respectable gay men use GrindR. But then again, I'm single, so I'm allowed to GRIND. ;-P

By the time we go upstairs to the actual strip club, Matt is turning gray and looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. Three steps onto the dance floor and he's gone. Of course, Paul has to run after him... leaving me with the straight girls. *sigh* On the bright side, we're in a room full of a naked men, so I'll have no trouble keeping myself occupied. It's pretty sad when I'd rather dive into a sea of dancing strangers than hang out with Paul's random guests. After doing a few laps and tipping some hot guys, I see that the girls have been standing exactly where I left them a half hour ago; they're just staring at the same naked hunk with a glazed look on their faces. Well, go on, TIP THE MAN, lol!

After a while we get bored and head back downstairs for the Late Drag Show, where we grab a table and talk about our star-crossed lovers. It's getting ridiculous; they have been M.I.A. for over two hours now--actually, they've been "talking" in the parking lot. Bored out of my skull, I simply text Paul that we're all ready to go. In the meantime, I shove a $1 bill in J.Lo's bra, and she whispers something in my ear. "Hold This, Babe." Hold WHAT Now? XD Don't worry: her 10-pound necklace just fell off and she wants me to take it to the dressing room. Aww, anything for you, Miss Lopez!

Now that Matt's finally done with his sissy fit, Paul returns to the stage area, and we try to make the most of our last 30 minutes together. In the distance, I see a miserable Matt standing alone by the DJ booth just staring off into space, but I don't bring it up. Because if there's ONE thing I've learned in my 25 years, it's that you "Never Upset The Driver." Seriously, that's how you get your ass LEFT in DC at 3AM! >_< And I sure-as-hell ain't taking a cab back to Pasadena, Mmmkay!

The house lights come up and we all mentally prepare ourselves for the ride home: an hour for me, 2+ for most of them. I dread climbing into the backseat, where I'm sandwiched cheek-to-cheek between Matt and one of the girls. I must resist the urge to beat him senseless for ruining my night with his Drama Queen antics. Once again, the only good part of this evening was spending it with my best friend, who I get to see once-a-month if I'm lucky. I LOVE YOU, MAN! <3 I know you meant well.

SADDLE UP!

Theme Song: "Ride it" - Geri Halliwell

Thursday, January 19th, Twelve A.M. I should be lounging around in bed, watching a 1 Girl 5 Gays marathon, but instead, it's business-as-usual at the office. As I make my midnight rounds, the entire encoding room bursts into song: ♫ ...HAPPY BiRTHDAY to YOU... ♫ Embarrassed but secretly loving all the attention, I literally run to my desk, grinning from ear-to-ear. My boss even offers to buy me an ice cream cake... because apparently, I'm in the 2nd grade. XD Growing older has never been a huge cause for celebration in my eyes, but this year, I'm determined to make my birthday as memorable as possible. 

Even though my posse and I hung out together last weekend (mixing margaritas, playing video games and watching Labyrinth), I know that my B*Day weekend has no chance of being PERFECT if my girls aren't apart of it. Pouring over all the possibilities of ways to ring in my special day, I remember some hilarious pictures from Shannon's Bachelorette Party at the Cadillac Ranch, where she and Rice Lady drunkenly rode the mechanical bull. And just like that, it is decided. I WANNA RIDE! =)

Friday night rolls around, and like they have for nearly a decade, my girls pull into the driveway. We make our arduous journey to downtown Annapolis and stroll into the Cadillac Ranch... well, after Rice Lady and I race each other up 3 flights of stairs, of course! <3 Once inside, we're immediately taken aback by the Aerosmith-centric decor. Seriously, do we have to stare at Steven Tyler while we're eating? We open our menus and marvel at all the gut-busting Paula Deen-approved choices, including pulled pork, steak, seafood, and ranch dressing (on EVERYTHING)! Unfortunately, we're trying to maintain our girlish figures, so we get a couple rounds of martinis and share some loaded bacon-covered cheese fries (I know, I'm the WORST VEGETARIAN EVER, lol) and the spinach & artichoke dip. *Cue the Hallelujah chorus* MMMMMMmmmmm.

The food is delicious, my chocolate martini is SPOT-ON, and we're just talking and laughing like we're back in high school. "GROSS." "Really, I'll take a sip... TU-EY!" After passing the salt-stained glass around the booth, we reach the group consensus that Shannon's margarita is watered-down and tasteless, so we send that shit back. "Bring our friend something blue, lol!" As we get our buzz on, more and more people are mounting the mechanical bull, most of them lasting for five seconds or less.

WOOOOOO *splat* Awwww...

After finishing our meal and working up the courage to ride that bucking bronco, Chelsey and I approach the inflatable Octagon and sign the collective waiver--y'know, in case we're inadvertently paralyzed! I kick my shoes off, leap into the ring, and throw my legs over the bull. There's an audible thud when I mount the mechanical beast; it feels like I'm sitting on a studded boulder. I clinch my thighs, grab the head for leverage (teehee), and signal the bull operator. LET'S ROCK! I watch the timer go past 10 seconds as I'm hanging on for dear life. Eventually, the bull whips around in a circle, and next thing you know, I'm HEELS OVER HEAD! XD The operator seems thoroughly impressed since I "even kept my hat on."

As a sign of solidarity, Chelsey (aka the Sober One) also makes an attempt... But by the time my camera turned ON, girlfriend was OFF. XP Haha, thanks for trying! The girls and I have a blast just laughing and cheering on the other riders, which includes everyone from teenagers to someone's grandparents. I had a WONDERFUL time at the Cadillac Ranch, but then again, I always have a fun time whenever I'm with my girls; they can liven up even the dullest party! <3