My Hero!

Ever have the feeling that you're being watched? 👀

Around 5am this morning, I woke up with a bladder full of hard apple cider and sprinted to the bathroom. As I'm standing there with my junk out, something immediately feels off: I can feel AT LEAST one set of eyes on me.

I look over my shoulder and on the wall, I see a black pulsating mound of hair, legs, and eyes the size of a catcher's mitt! 😱😱 I don't have my glasses on, so I'm blind and don't know if it's a spider, a sandcrab, or the dreaded Babadook. Still peeing, I hold back the screams and search the room for weapons. Whatever this creature is, it's bigger than every household item in sight.

Here's where my straight roommate's natural appetite for destruction comes in handy.

*bangs on roomie's door*

Him: "'Sup, man?"

Me: "I need you to kill something."

Him: "ON IT. Let me put on my boots." 😎

He kicks in the door as I keep a safe distance in the stairwell.

Him: "Where is it?"

Me: "Right next to you."

Him (turns left): "HOLY SHIT!! *covers mouth* Oh God!"

(Now I don't feel as bad)

Woken by his high pitched screams of terror, my roomie's new girlfriend comes out of the bedroom.

Her: "OMG, what is it? Take a picture!"

🙄🙄 This dumb bitch would be the first to die in a horror movie. *smh* Ani valiantly smacks the beast with a giant wad of TP, but that only makes it angry as it falls to the floor and I see my roomie hopping around in terror trying to crush it with a sandal. 

He finally succeeds and flushes it down the toilet... HALF of it anyway. Anything more would've clogged it! Normally I don't support killing spiders, but that creature had to be sent back to HELL. 💪😍⚰️🔥