Chris Rock is Back

Tamborine

Love how he’s not afraid to get political 

New perspective 

Father of Black teenage girls, private school

No more bullies

School subjects not preparing kids for real life; bullies do half the work

Trying to find God before God finds me

Religion is like salt, good in small doses

Brave level of honesty

Cheated on his wife, but reformed

In a relationship you forget how old & ugly you are because your partner loves you for your flaws

🙅‍♂️🍌 it, PhotoBucket!

I can barely summon the words to describe this utter RIDICULOUSNESS. As some readers will notice, 90% of the pre-2009 original images on this blog have disappeared, replaced with placeholders. These placeholders are courtesy of Photobucket, my former image host, who is now charging suckers an arm and a leg for third party image hosting—basically the ability to post pics/vids on external websites.

The funny thing is, PB most definitely could’ve gotten away with this bullshit in the 90s, back in Geocities and AngelFire’s heyday, when PB was literally the ONLY free online bulk photo/video storage provider. But nowadays, all web hosting services charge minimal annual fees for domain renewal, allocating hundreds of gigabytes for photos/music/video storage at no extra charge. 

To put things in perspective, I pay Google $10 annually to operate the Big Top Blog. And yet PhotoBucket wants to charge $100 a year just to store & share images. The target demographic must be someone who needs to store massive amounts of photos and videos but does not own any modern technology (a smartphone/laptop/tablet). 🙄🙄

#BoomBoyByeFoom

JUST ADD ALCOHOL: “兩個爸爸 (Two Fathers)”

My latest Netflix binge, “兩個爸爸 (Two Fathers)” is a Taiwanese dramedy series about two college roommates who unknowingly impregnate the same girl. Since clearly The Maury Povich Show isn’t a thing in Taiwan, the mystery woman skips town immediately after giving birth, bequeathing the newborn baby to both possible baby daddies. 👨‍👨‍👧 Hilarity ensues.

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:

🐑 A Stuffed Sheep is shown

🖼 A Portrait of Wen Di, Papa, and Daddy is shown

📜 Cohabitation Rules are shown

🛌 Anyone’s bedroom is shown

👽 Anyone calls Ms Wu an Alien

🤪 Ms Wu does something weird

😛 A woman hits on Zhen Hua

💐 Someone wraps flowers

🥘 Someone is cooking

🍚 Someone eats rice and/or fish

🎣 Someone goes fishing

👕 Clothes with random American sayings or vintage brands

👖 Tang Hsiang Shi isn’t wearing a suit

🛀 Someone is told to brush his/her teeth or take a bath

💁‍♂️ Tang Hsiang Shi calls Jing Zhu (Ms Fang) a man or “Ms Side View Mirror”

🙅‍♀️ Ying Fan (Ms Jiang) is bitchy

🤬 Tang Hsiang Shi or Mei Nu gets pissed at Zheng Xiong

🤬 Anyone gets mad at Tang Hsiang Shi or vice versa

🚛 Interior of Han Fang Car Service is shown

🛒 Interior of grocery store is shown

💍 Anyone gives Fei Zhu advice on women

✍️ Wen Di draws something

🌚 Anyone says “Blackie”

🤭 Grandpa gets too REAL with Wen Di

TAKE A SHOT FOR:

🗣 Random English dialogue

💃🏻 Rule #5: Don’t Fall for the Same Woman

🎸 Every time a character is rocking out to the show’s own theme song (Lin Yo-Wei’s “Happy Voice”)

🧚‍♂️ “Peter Pan” references

📱 Product Placement

🌺 The Warm Flower billboard

🙄 Unnecessary/Redundant Subtitles

🌈 Latent Homoerotic Moments

🤯 Infuriatingly Homophobic Moments

😘 Sexual tension between 2 characters

🏀 A character plays or watches a sport

🚘 The “Bad Driver” stereotype

🎥 Melodramatic cinematography/Slow Motion/Freeze Frames/Flashbacks

🤧 Wen Di learns a life lesson as sappy background music plays

💨 A Series Regular is absent for the entire episode 

JUST ADD ALCOHOL: “To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar” (1995)

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:

🎧 Pop Diva music plays

👠 Famous Drag Queens appear

💁‍♂️ Someone calls Chi Chi a “lil’ Latin boy in drag”

👊 Swayze channels “Road House”

🏀 Snipes channels “White Men Can’t Jump”

🇵🇷 Chi Chi speaks Spanish

👮 Sheriff Dollard appears

💅🏿 Noxzeema beats someone’s ass

💁 Noxzeema  sasses someone

😡 Vita, Noxzeema, and/or Chi Chi argue

🎬 Old Hollywood movies are referenced

😭 It becomes a Lifetime Movie of the Week (domestic violence, sappy dialogue or music, dramatic epiphanies, misguided female empowerment)

TAKE A SHOT FOR:

👗 Naomi Campbell

🤡 Robin Williams

✂️ Operation Decorator Storm

😻 Julie Newmar

JUST ADD ALCOHOL: “Josie & The Pussycats” (2001)

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:

🎧 A fake music video plays

👍 Someone genuinely likes The Pussycats’ music

👎 Someone genuinely hates the Pussycats’ music

😂 An Alan Cummings joke lands on deaf ears

😡 (C)overt racism

🌮 Genital references

🍒 Tara Reid gets dirty

🤔 Forgotten 90s celebrity appears

🎥 MTV or VH1 is referenced

💰 Product placement

💁 Anyone says “_____ is the NEW ______”

😈 Wyatt or Fiona does something evil

TAKE A SHOT FOR:

🌈 Latent Lesbionic Moments

🥊 The Epic Catfight

HUMP! 2017: PornStars For A Day

 

As many of you know, I've been a major Dan Savage fanboy since I read two of his books, The Kid and The Commitment, back in 2008. Literally a few hours after I met him at a panel discussion in Baltimore, he posted the very first It Gets Better campaign video on YouTube. I fervently supported his  recent foray into television, The Real O'Neals, until its cancellation. So when I heard his film festival was touring in BMore last weekend, I jumped at the chance to get tickets!

 

Established in Portland, Oregon, Dan Savage's HUMP is an underground, sex-positive film festival. Festival entries are all too erotic for mainstream competitions, and given the 5-minute time limit, they jump straight to the sex and skip that pesky character development. Performers in HUMP films are not looking for fame--just the chance to be pornstars for one night only. As such, there is zero publicity for any of the individual films and there is an extremely strict No Cell Phones policy at screenings. 

 

Adding a tinge of Savage's trademark dark humor, every HUMP entry must incorporate two special props: an accordion and a Make America Great Again hat. 🤣🤣

HUMP! 2017

Festival Line-Up

• The Forbidden Tango 🕺🕺
• Fuck on the Mount 💑
• You've Got Tail 💁‍♂️🐶🐶🐶
• Birthday Boss 💑🎂
• Camping Trip 👨‍❤️‍👨🌲☀️
• Art Primo and the Rainbow Dildo 🍆🌈
• Correspondence 💑📸
• Cock-a-Pult 🍆🏀⚽️⚾️🏈
• I'm Not Poly But My Boyfriends Are 💑💑💑💑
• The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife 🐙
• Toys, Trans, and Training 👩‍❤️‍👩⚔️
• A Pervert's Guide to Avoiding Loneliness 🎼🤹‍♂️
• It's Fucking Complicated 💑🦍🍰
• The Little Merman 👨‍❤️‍👨🦀
• Summer Fuckation 💑✈️🚿
• Boat Daddy 👨‍❤️‍👨🛶
• Playing Scrabble 👨‍🏫👩‍🏫🤡🤢
• Fucking Boring 👩‍❤️‍👩🛁
• Breakfast in Bed 👨‍❤️‍👨🥞
• Savage Kingdom 👨‍❤️‍👨🍆
• Sexucation: Just Jizz 📺🔎💦
• Sock Puppet 🥊🎹🎤

Ironically, even though the festival's video introduction promises that all of the performers are amateurs, the first thing I see is one of my favorite fetish pornstars from the 90s, Van Darkholme, dancing The Forbidden Tango with a naked ginger. 🕺🕺 Hands down the most prolific Asian American pornstar, he's been the subject of countless internet memes alongside Billy Herrington and Mark Wolff from their all-star classic, Lords of the Lockerroom.

For me, the standout for overtly humorous entries was It's Fucking Complicated. It recounts a straight couple's first night together, as they share their respective laundry lists of off-the-wall bedroom fetishes, ranging from office roleplay to food to fursuits. It's a very relatable moment for anyone who has ever come out to their partner about any stigmatized kinks... often times, this admission can be a relationship dealbreaker.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, there's Playing Scrabble, a film that starts with an innocuous board game and descends into total bacchanal. For each word score, the couple acts out a related sexual scenario. The only time I had to look away from the screen was when the couple pierced themselves with needles and have sex while blood oozes out of their chest cavities. 🤢🤢 Not my cup of tea, but more power to 'em!

 

Winner of the coveted Best in Show award, I'm Not Poly But My Boyfriends Are is an inspirational story about a middle-aged breast cancer survivor who rejects the patriarchal ideals of female monogamy and child-rearing. She takes a different path from her sister and regularly has sex with a small group of men, all of whom know about each other and sometimes make love to her at the same time. She proves that you're never too old to be sexually adventurous and look good doing it. 💁

 

It's great that the BMore audience, made up mostly of heterosexual couples, was so supportive during the screening. After all, as Dan Savage says, "HUMP! is a celebration of diverse bodies, orientations, genders, and experiences." Seeing others' erotic adventures on-screen makes my sex life look SO tragically vanilla... but it also inspires me to submit a film of my own someday! 🎬🍆

Who's the Worst Witch of them all?

 

The latest in a string of reboots nobody asked for, Netflix has revived The Worst Witch! 🔮 Based on the popular YA book series by Jill Murphy, the show recounts the misadventures of Mildred Hubble, the worst pupil at Miss Cackle's Academy for Witches. Mildred fits nicely in the traditional canon of lovable & spunky misfits alongside characters like Pippi Longstocking, Pepper-Ann, and Ramona Quimby.

 

The first Worst Witch screen adaptation was a 1986 made-for-TV movie... and it is a fabulous bucket of crazy. Brimming with girl power, the movie stars a young Fairuza Balk, fresh off Return to Oz, future star of another bewitching cult classic, The Craft. National treasure Diana Rigg, then famous for The Avengers/now famous for Game of Thrones, serves up her best Anjelica Houston impression as Miss Hardbroom. Rounding out the cast is Charlotte Rae, best known as Mrs. Garrett on The Facts of Life, as both Headmistress Ada Cackle and her diabolical twin sister Agatha.

What truly elevated The Worst Witch to cult classic status was the genius casting of Tim Curry as the Grand Wizard. Curry's flair for the dramatic turned the original song "Anything Can Happen On Halloween" into a holiday staple; I, for one, rock out to the awesomely bad music video every year. 🎃 Charlotte Rae's hilarious musical number, "Aggie's School," comes in a close second.

 

Even though Fairuza has undoubtedly left some big shoes to fill, I was very happy to see Bella Ramsey cast in the titular role. For those not in the know, Ramsey became an instant fan favorite on Game of Thrones as fearless child-ruler Lady Mormont. 👑⚔️ As expected, she does a great job at portraying Mildred, the unpopular klutz who always manages to rescue her overconfident classmates from otherworldly threats.

 

Unlike the 1986 film, the Netflix series provides more backstory on Mildred and her non-magical family. There's also more diversity this time around, with the addition of an Asian student, a Hispanic student, and two Black characters, one being a professor and the other Mildred's best friend. 👏👏 Each episode has a new threat looming over Cackle's Academy and ironically it's always up to the "worst witch" to defeat it, whether it's the headmistress' evil twin Agatha or just the class bully, Ethel Hallow.

 

The Worst Witch is an extremely breezy TV series; I finished the whole first season in a weekend. The extra exposition, specifically the parallel backstories of the Cackles vs the Hallows, serves its purpose and actually adds value to the narrative. And unlike the 80s classic, the visual effects are jaw-dropping in a GOOD way! The entire ensemble of child actors is very talented and the show would be right at home on the Disney Channel. 📺 I'm looking forward to Season Two!

Poussey R!OT

 

OK, it's time to check back in with the ladies of Litchfield Penitentiary! 👮 For those not in the know, Orange is the New Black paved the way for bankable Netflix Exclusive shows. Based on Piper Kerman's darkly humorous memoir, it follows a White woman unexpectedly plucked from her suburban life of privilege and thrown into a federal prison when her sordid past catches up with her.

 
Still trying to bounce back from the painfully dull third season (aka the "Lorna Cult" season), the previous season upped the ante with a fresh crop of prison guards, many of whom engage in cruel & unusual practices like needlessly invasive body searches, sexual assault, and human cockfights. Faced with unjust treatment, Piper the Social Activist laments that the prisoners are so complacement and unlike their male counterparts, "female prisoners don't riot."

 

Silly Piper! Following the death of OITNB's most positive character and the warden's blatant lies to the Press about the incident, all Hell breaks loose. 🔥🔥 Inspired by the Black Lives Matter movement, the Black inmates band all of the prisoners together around their fallen sister as they decide to punish their common enemy, culminating in an explosive standoff with two guards at gunpoint.

 

Season 5 takes place over the course of only a few days after the women have overtaken the prison. Stripped of all weapons and clothing, the guards are taken hostage and forced into humiliating (but hilarious) situations, including an American Idol-type talent show.

As the deceased's best friend, Taystee steps up and uses her communication skills as Caputo's office assistant to negotiate with the prison's corporate representatives. Even though Taystee's main concern is justice for her friend and having the guilty officer arrested, they want their voices heard too as they vote on a collective list of demands, some of which are moronic in comparison (e.g. stocking Flaming Hot Cheetos in the vending machine).

 

With the show's new direction, it appears that the producers have noticed the general audience consensus that Piper is no longer the most likable character. Given her ruthless turns in seasons 3 and 4, she's actually kind of a dick. Thankfully, this season highlights the extremely talented slew of supporting characters and even introduces the awesomely unexpected alliance between boss bitches Flores and Red.

Of course, my favorite characters are the fabulous cholas, Flaca and Maritza,

probably because their relationship closely mirrors the one my GBF Paul and I share. Through all of the chaos, the two women stay positive, make the best of a bad situation, and even become YouTube stars with their prison makeup tutorials. 💄

 

I appreciate how layered this season is, exploring the different factors that would cause women to riot and how inmates from different factions would clash or come together in such a circumstance. Unfortunately, 99% of the characters don't realize how important and devastating the decision to overrun the prison, not listening to the more seasoned prisoners' warnings that "Riots never end well." As you'd expect, once the emotional rollercoaster is over, the final outcome is definitely not sunshine and rainbows. Be prepared: it's emotionally poignant but unlike S3, it definitely worth the watch!

The NEW Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling

 

From the creator of Netflix dramedy Orange is the New Black comes GLOW, a fictional homage to the campy 80s pro wrestling league.

 

Even though the original 1986 series was slightly before my time, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling are still cult classic staples of pop culture. As a kid, I was exposed to GLOW via one of my favorite primetime comedies, Married With Children. In one of the episodes, the Bundy family has run out of money and out of desperation, Al agrees to wrestle GLOW villainess, Big Bad Mama, for the $10,000 cash prize. SPOILER ALERT: Big Bad Mama is not the one getting pinned.

 

Just because I wasn't a GLOW fanatic doesn't mean I didn't watch female pro wrestling. On the contrary, I've always had a ton of respect for pro wrestlers and stunt doubles. I am especially impressed with the women because they are expected to perform the same dangerous maneuvers as their male counterparts AND they're expected to look sexy doing it. 💁 Growing up, I rooted for trailblazing WWF superstars like Alundra Blayze (the All-American blond bombshell), Luna Vachon (the punk rocker Oddity), and Chyna (the 9th Wonder of the World).

In Netflix's latest reboot, writer Jenji Kohan pays tribute to the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling even though the network reportedly didn't ask permission from the original roster, much to the chagrin of GLOW alumni like Matilda the Hun. 📺 As if the show takes place in alternate universe, Kohan took the general concept of female pro wrestling and created a new fictional history and new characters "inspired by" the 80s cast. 

 

The bulk of the new series is a "VH1 Behind the Music" mockumentary of GLOW, not a revival of the pro wrestling extravaganza. It follows aspiring actress Ruth (played by Allison Brie) as she answers a casting call for "unconventional women."

 

Up until the season finale, Ruth experiments with several different wrestling personalities before settling on the evil Soviet, the antithesis of squeaky clean Beauty Queen, Liberty Bell.  🇺🇸 Like other pro wrestling leagues, GLOW is infamous for its stereotypical, politically incorrect stable of fighters; the reboot creates equally borderline-offensive combatants with monikers like Fortune Cookie, Beirut, and Welfare Queen. 

 

It reminds me of my own brief foray into the pro wrestling world, crossing the childhood fantasy off my Bucket List years ago. One day over lunch, the studio head casually told me that audiences wanted to see "the Black guy rape the White guy"... FIGURATIVELY, I hope! 😬🤣🤣 I can only imagine playing a negative stereotype on a weekly televised wrestling show, especially since the "bad guys" have to deal with some intense audience hecklers.

 

Even if you're not a wrestling fan, GLOW is a highly addictive 80s throwback/comedy/soap opera, loosely inspired by a true story. The actresses not only do an amazing job of selling themselves as relatable Hollywood outcasts but also as professional wrestlers. Definitely Must See TV!

MELODRAMA, Ya Ya Ya

 

MELODRAMA

By Lorde

(Released 2017, Republic Records)

✮✮✮✮✮

 

Praised by the late David Bowie as "the Future of Music," Lorde has become one of the most underrated and talented musicians of this generation overnight, particularly when her sleeper hit "Royals" won the coveted Grammy Award for Song of the Year. Even though she shies away from the public eye, Lorde has become a pop culture icon, famously caricatured by Randy Marsh on South Park and inexplicably as part of Taylor Swift's Girl Power Posse. 🤔 She's certainly a mystery wrapped in enigma. 

Wise beyond her years, the 20-year-old songwriter's music is already synonymous with the Hunger Games franchise, which adds tremendously to her fanbase. Three years after her Grammy-winning debut Pop album, Pure Heroine, Lorde is back, this time bringing the Melodrama.

Due to a major misstep in lead single choice, the album's initial reception hasn't been great. That's because "Green Light" comes off as less of a poignant commentary on mindless overproduced pop music... and more of just another overproduced pop song itself. 🙄🙄 Will this be Jewel's notorious "sellout" album, 0304, all over again? Is T-Swift behind this?

 

Luckily, "Green Light" is the only outrageous  power pop anthem on the album. Don't get me wrong: it's not a bad song--it's just very uncharacteristic of the Lorde we know and love. Everything else is pure moody musical brilliance. My personal favorites are "Liability," "Writer in the Dark," "Sober," and "Supercut." The lyrics to "Liability" alone could totally pass as poetic verse:

The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy

'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore

And then they are bored of me

I know that it's exciting

Running through the night, but

Every perfect summer's

Eating me alive until you're gone

Better on my own

They say, "You're a little much for me

You're a liability

You're a little much for me"

 

I can especially relate (along with a certain blond songstress) to "Writer in the Dark," about a scorned artist who gets revenge on her ex-lovers through writing. In my case, writing violent short stories and of course, inflammatory blog entries, about several of my volatile relationships has been extremely cathartic. 

 

With Melodrama, Lorde has made a seamless transition from Pure Heroine's teenage angst to twenty-something angst. The album's stripped down vocals, mature lyrics, and heavy use of stringed instruments and piano makes it a refreshing departure from current pop trends. Cannot wait to see Lorde perform live in DC next year!!! 😍😍

 

💪 Sport Flicks 🏆

Looking back on it, sports-themed movies are the most homoerotic films known to man--not a big surprise considering that they are practically drenched in testosterone. I didn't realize this until my teenage years when it became readily apparent that both my Mom and I LOVED Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal movies for the same reasons... none of which were the acting, that's for damn sure! 😆

🏈  Little Giants (1994)

I remember seeing this movie at Kevin & Jeff's 2nd grade sleepover. It's a classic formula: rag-tag band of unathletic misfits go through a few training montages to magically defeat the best team out there. In a special twist, the best Footballer of them all is a girl nicknamed "ICE-BOX." 🌬 But for me, it was all about teen heartthrob, Devon Sawa!

🏀  White Men Can't Jump (1992)

"MOOKIE!" 🤣 I LOVE this movie because my brother and I practically grew up on the Basketball courts, even though I was usually videotaping on the sidelines. When "Black-As-Night" Wesley Snipes and "Wonder Bread" Woody Harrelson join forces with Rosie Perez, it's movie magic.

⚾️  A League of Their Own (1992)

YASSSSS!! 💁 Truly one of the ultimate Girl Power movies, the cast is a veritable Who's Who of queer icons: Madonna, Geena Davis, Rosie O'Donnell, and Lori Petty. It's refreshing to see strong independent women hold their own in any male-dominated field... Even if it is boring-ass baseball. #DirtInTheSkirt!

⚽️  Ladybugs (1992)

"Looks like Norman Bates is playing soccer!" "...After the game: No Showers." 😱🔪 Before She's the Man, there was Ladybugs! Teen heartthrob Jonathan Brandis dons a wig and a skirt for this soccer romp starring comedian Rodney Dangerfield and the FABULOUS Jackée Harry. 💁 It re-enforces every teen movie cliché, most laughably the idea that eyeglasses and a ponytail can make an otherwise beautiful girl look hideous. 🙄🙄🤢

🏒  D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996)

FUN FACT: At age 12, I received a Cease & Desist email from Vincent A. LaRusso's girlfriend after I leaked his Boston University email address, which was undoubtedly blown up by dozens of fanboys and girls. Even though D3 is universally regarded as the weakest installment of the Mighty Ducks trilogy, the film spotlights Vincent's character as the posh rich kid is recruited for the Varsity Hockey Team over his Duck counterparts. Not to mention the intense fight scene between him and teen dream Joshua Jackson (Dawson's Creek).

⛸  The Cutting Edge (1992)

Two years before the 

Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan Olympic Scandal, this film exposed the ugly politics around Professional Figure Skating. Opposite worlds collide when washed-up Olympians  Kate (the Ice Queen) and Doug (the Hockey Player) join forces in a last ditch effort to attain their former glory.

🥊  Rocky IV (1985)

Guess I've always been a fan of guys beating the hell out of each other. 👊 But in the franchise's darkest moment, former champion Apollo Creed is killed in the ring by Soviet robot, Ivan Drago (played by Dolph Lundgren). Of course, it's up to Apollo's friend/rival Rocky Balboa to avenge his death in an epic ring battle. Although unrealistic, it's quite satisfying to watch Sly Stallone tear the perfect Aryan specimen apart.

🥋  Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon (1985)

The Last Dragon is the first movie I ever remember seeing (at age 3) and it had a HUGE impact on me. I was instantly attracted to both the male and female lead characters. My personality formed as an amalgamation of both soft-spoken gentleman Taimak and sassy sex kitten Vanity. As a kid, it meant a lot to me to see beautiful and tough Black actors carrying their own movie; it inspired my lifelong dream of becoming a Director. 🎬

🤼‍♂️ Vision Quest (1985)

Before his villainous turn in Netflix's Stranger Things, Matthew Modine starred in this cheesy coming-of-age wrestling drama. Although I appreciate the film's gratuitous use of slow-motion Greco-Roman action, the real star of the show is young Madonna in her feature film debut (performing "Crazy for You" and "Gambler"). 🎤🌈

🏌  Happy Gilmore (1996)

Adam Sandler achieves the impossible by making golf somewhat exciting. Honestly, the only scene I remember from this one is Gilmore's hilarious brawl with beloved game show host, Bob Barker. "The Price is Wrong, BITCH!" 💰🤣🤣

🏁  Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

I know, I know, I really don't consider NASCAR a sport. 🏎 As usual, Will Ferrell plays the loveable idiot in this one. It earns a spot on my favorites list because it makes the best Scientology joke. "Save me, Tom Cruise! Save me with your crazy voodoo magic!" 🔮

Save Me, Tom Cruise; Or, Would You Run From Calista Flockhart?

 

 

THE MUMMY

(2017, Dir: Alex Kurtzman)

✮✮✩✩✩

 

As a belated Mother's Day gift, I took my Mom to the movies yesterday. But since she's already seen Wonder Woman and I don't want her to catch me lusting after Zac Efron & The Rock in Baywatch, we decide to see Tom Cruise in The Mummy reboot. 😬

From the trailers, this film looks like it will provide a much darker take on the mummy tale than the Brendan Fraser trilogy. Since my biggest complaint about those movies was that they were too campy and Fraser wasn't a believable action star, surely legitimate leading man Tom Cruise (Top Gun, Mission:Impossible, Risky Business) will change all that, right?

 

WRONG. 😩 Even though Kurtzman's version is a modern retelling of Universal Studios' 1932 horror classic, it is not remotely scary. He confusingly tries to combine action, laughs, and "scares" to create a well-rounded blockbuster; instead, it's just a big ol' mess. 

 

Frankly, Tom Cruise isn't funny. With the exception of Tropic Thunder (in which Tom is basically unrecognizable), he should stay far away from comedic roles. On top of this, the film's chronic lack of character development makes it difficult to pin down Tom's character and his motivations: Is he a petty thief? A mercenery? A tomb raider? An American soldier? It's never clear.

While raiding tombs in Iraq, Tom's character accidentally discovers the sarcophagus of Princess Ahmanet (played by Sofia Boutella), an ancient Egyptian princess mummified alive for making a pact with the God of Death and slaughtering her entire family in hopes of usurping the throne. Her backstory is the most compelling element of the film and I only wish she had more screen time; plus, I love how she is serving up Dark Willow realness as she terrorizes London. 💁🔮

 

The movie is off to a decent start but about halfway through, it flies off the rails in every way imaginable. At one point, a gang of zombies are chasing Tom Cruise underwater and Mom literally YELLS at the screen, "Now THAT can't happen!" 🙄🙄🙄 And I just turn to her like, You have no problem with Tom Cruise resurrecting a 16,000 year old woman, but swimming zombies is where you cross the line? 🏊🏊 Oh well, I'm just glad she has a line. You have to walk into action & horror movies with a reasonable suspension of disbelief; otherwise, I'd never believe that anyone could be scared of mummies, ghosts, demon clowns, or 5-lb stuffed dolls.

 

Overall, the special effects are decent and the acting is convincing, given the ludicrous source material. The Mummy's fatal flaw is its messy convoluted narrative that raises more questions than it answers:

Is it action, comedy, or horror?

Are we supposed to like, hate or pity the Mummy?

Why the hell are Dr Jekyll & Hyde in this?

The film's climax is bleak, non-sensical, abrupt and sets up a sequel to this remake... neither of which anyone asked for. 😒 Y'all know I can appreciate an awesomely bad movie, but this movie is just genuinely bad and a total waste of time. SKIP IT!

TEAM Griffin

It's funny, my brother and I rarely talk but he texted me earlier today to ask my thoughts on the latest Kathy Griffin scandal. 💁 While I'll always love my Miss Kathy and have always been a proponent of everyone's right to Freedom of Expression, I can't condone what she did. Although there were equally if not more offensive images directed at the Obama Administration, none of those had a celebrity scapegoat attached.

 

It'd be different if the joke were actually funny, but it just comes off as tasteless and unnecessary. It's a shame that she's losing all of her endorsements now, but that's the risk you take when a joke crosses that fine line. That's why it's so important to have a second set of eyes look over your artwork to see if the risk will be worth the reward. Someone should've said NO!

 

Kathy definitely could've made the same point but in a less literal and overt way. Back in 2005, Margaret Cho released her politically charged ASSASSIN comedy special, taking on the George W Bush regime. The poster art depicts Margaret in all black, wielding a microphone stand like an assault rifle, using her words to metaphorically annihilate the President. Kathy holding Trump's bloody decapitated head is not symbolic or creative; it's graphic and literal and no one should be surprised when it's perceived as a death threat.

Despite the recent controversy, I'll still support Kathy's books and standup shows, and I just hope her career can bounce back after this major setback.

Who Killed Sister Cathy?

 

CHILLS. 😨😨 Watched the entire series in a day because I HAD TO. It's a damn shame that two young Baltimore women are brutally murdered in 1969 and yet, a group of civilian vigilantes are more compelled to solve these cold cases than the county police and FBI. Especially since most people directly connected to the case are already dead. 

 

Even though I was raised Methodist, my family still has several ties with Catholicism. Since he and my sister were never married, the one thing my niece's father has agreed to pay for is her Catholic schooling because he feels forever endebted to the Church. 🙏 My niece Ava is also my goddaughter (probably because I might never have kids), which is a fundamentally Catholic concept. My older brother briefly attended Cardinal Gibbons, the all-boys school located next to Archbishop Keough, where Sister Cathy worked. And for the past few months, I've been hooking up with someone working for the Archdiocese of Baltimore. 😇🌈

 

It's eerie watching the show because I've lived in every featured location: Anne Arundel, Gettysburg, and Baltimore County. It's all literally quite close to home, and it makes me even angrier that the crime has gone unsolved.

The show's tagline is correct: the real story isn't about the murder of Cathy Cesnik, it's about the coverup (by the Archdiocese and the State Attorney's Office). If you're like me and LIVE for true crime documentaries or conspiracy theories, then you've gotta see this!