Witness HELL... in 3-D!

IMMORTALS
(2011, Dir: Tarsem Singh)

✮✮✩✩✩

Arguably this fall's most anticipated blockbuster, Immortals, tells the story of fabled hero Theseus, and how he earned his place in the Greek pantheon. Raised in a peaceful village, Theseus' home is swiftly invaded by a horde of merciless drones. Theseus is detained and forced to watch his mother be slaughtered at the hands of the evil Pussy Galore. What? Oh wait, my sources tell me that's Hyperion. You're sure? ...With that ridiculous helmet? Alright. Anyway... with his mother gone, Theseus makes it his new life mission to seek bloody revenge on her killer, HYP-E-RION, and his cohorts.

Along with a few lucky survivors, Theseus is taken into Hyperion's custody as a salt-mining slave. Fortunately for him, he happens to share a jail cell with the Four Virgin Oracles... or as I like to call them, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Psychics. Inspired by a puzzling vision of Theseus' future and the fall of Greece, the true Oracle (aka "The Real Slim Shady") plans a slave rebellion and paves the way for his escape. With Theseus, the Oracle, the stubborn Warrior, and the useless Monk, the Dream Team is born.

In his conversations with the Oracle and the Monk, it is quickly established that Theseus is a skeptic with zero faith in the Gods; after all, they let his mother die. Despite his disbelief, Theseus goes on a quest to find the Emperor's bow, made by Heracles himself.

Although the Dream Team encounters some ferocious foes along the way, Zeus commands the lesser gods not to mettle in mankind's affairs; violation of this order is punishable by death... and he ain't kidding! The only way they can intervene is in the oh-so-unlikely event that the Titans are freed from their subterranean prison.

One of the few female characters in this movie is the Oracle. It is said that she must remain pure and virginal if she wants to keep her powers of prophesy. But after 30 minutes of watching Theseus strut around crushing skulls, she's like FUCK THAT! Honestly, when Theseus throws on that Bom-Chicka-Wow-Wow, what's she gonna say?

After crossing that off his To-Do List, Theseus is now ready for the final showdown against Hyperion. And against all odds, *insert eyeroll here* the Titans are inadvertently released. So now, the Gods are here to save everyone's ass, YAY!

Even though the entire movie was marketed around the concept of Immortals, the Greek Gods have less than 15 minutes of screen time. The characters are grossly under-utilized, and thanks to extremely similar costumes, are indistinguishable from one another. Seriously, it would be so much easier if they were wearing name tags. The only ones that are addressed by name are granddaddy Zeus, his daughter-wife Athena, and of course, Poseidon, played by that hot piece of Twilight booty, Kellan Lutz. The rest of 'em all looked like Apollo to me, but according to the ending credits, Heracles and Aries were also in this picture. As a longtime fan of Hercules and Xena, I'm used to seeing my gods in very expressive costumes; Aries sports black leather, Aphrodite flaunts pink lace, and of course, Poseidon is a 200-foot-tall sea creature.

All in all, this film features everything audiences expect from the producers of 300: exquisite set-pieces, amazing lighting, muscular hotties, and plenty of macho one-liners. And of course, everything's in SLOW MOTION, helping to fill at least 30 minutes of dead space. It's your standard "popcorn movie," where you can just turn your brain OFF and enjoy some good old fashioned revenge. However, I can't recommend that anyone shell out $14 to go see it in 3-D. Save your money and re-watch the hyperviolent sensation, Spartacus, on the STARZ network; it features even more musclebound (and emotionally complex) characters, extended sex scenes, not to mention blood and gore by the gallon.

My Balls, Your Face

Theme Song: Soccer Practice - Gay Pimp Jonny McGovern

I'm scrolling through my emails and imagine my surprise when I stumble upon a word I haven't uttered since grade school: DODGEBALL. While most kids dreaded the sport, it was always one of my favorites. In addition to having impeccable aim, I was also a 55-lb. gymnast with a penchant for somersaults and barrel rolls. Needless to say, my exploits are legendary. I wasn't awarded High Point Elementary's 1998 Best Athlete plaque for nothin', folks.

The Legend Of

el diablo

 

In the hopes of fostering brotherhood among the GLBTQ community, Team DC (A Coalition of GLBT sports teams) is holding a dodgeball tournament at the local rec center. I've been invited to play alongside my friends from Capital City Volleyball. After a few days of silent contemplation, I respond with an emphatic YES! Less than a week before the tournament, we're scrambling to meet the "2 women per team" requirement. It's shocking because I have an abundance of girl friends... unfortunately, none of them would willingly take a ball to the face. Luckily, all the other teams are facing the same dilemma, so at the last minute, this sexist stipulation is removed.

Game Day finally arrives and after circling the District for nearly half an hour, I give up on street parking altogether and settle for my usual spot, the DC*USA Garage. Fortunately, nobody bats an eye when I reach the registration table. ONLY at a gay event can I arrive almost an hour late and not be the last one to arrive. ;-D Inside the gym, I'm greeted by Jeremiah, who refers to me as "Angel" because of my fresh-faced innocence, of course. *wink-nudge* I look around the room and realize something's missing: WHERE ARE ALL THE DODGEBALLS?

Much to everyone's surprise, the iconic red rubber balls have been replaced by tiny foam balls. Days before the tournament, our fearless leader, Marc, dubbed our team "The Ball Blockers" because as volleyball players, it would be extremely easy for us to just bunt the dodgeballs into the air and catch 'em. Well... there goes that strategy! >_< As expected, these new lightweight balls are much harder to catch at high speeds and throw with accuracy.

As I leap into the fray, I look around and quickly realize that we're up against some bloodthirsty BEASTS! When the whistle blows, we all sprint to center-court to grab a ball. My heart's pounding as I have to wrestle bitches for that ball; in that aspect, only one guy got the jump on me all day. After winning 3 of our 5 scrimmages, I overhear one of our opponents talking about how his team has been playing dodgeball together for over 2 years. PROS?! There are professional dodgeball players??!

When our team isn't busy gettin' bruised and battered, we hang out in the bleachers with our Sister team, The Honey Badgers who--you've guessed it--Don't give a FUCK. We're cracking jokes about how insanely competitive the other teams are. There's even an ugly rumor that some of them might be STRAIGHT! *gasp!* Even on the sidelines, the audience is getting pelted with stray balls; nelly screams are heard all over the gym. Unfortunately, the Honey Badgers would ultimately double-cross us by bringing in a ringer from one of the more brutal teams. Isn't it odd that their entire team is eliminated but the Ringer is still in and dealing with six of us?

Things take a nasty turn when we're up against one of the juggernaut squads. Out of nowhere, a ball hits me in the eye so hard it nearly knocks out my fucking contact lens. As I stumble over to the sideline, my teammates yell out, "DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE STILL IN!" *glares* BETCH, I CAN'T SEE! Like a scene straight out of Ladybugs, I start hurling the balls a lot harder at those juice pigs. When the match is over, Chris tells me, "Girrrrl, you betta' put a Red Bull on that shiner!" I take his advice and get ready for the next match of our Double Elimination.

 

During the next game, Chris falls to the ground while dodging a ball. When we notice him wincing in pain, the whole team just drops everything, consoles him, and tries to nurse his pulled hamstring. Dammmn, we're dropping like flies! But against all odds, we go back out there and beat that other team's ASS! Still one more elimination 'til this war is over.

 

Inevitably, the two insane teams face each other TWICE in the finals. "The Ball Blockers" not only survived, but in 4th Place no less. After all these windsprints, leaps, throws, splits (I'm very proud of my split-tacular Dottie Henson victory catch), my body is unbelievably sore. No doubt when I hit TOWN Danceboutique later tonight, I'll be dancing my ass off... from the neck up. But you know what the sickest thing of all is? I can't wait to do it all again, so long as my guys are there, HOLLLLLLLLA!

SORRY. I COULDN'T RESIST! =P

I'MMA GET $LEAZY

Theme Song: "Blow" - Ke$ha

Back in July, as I was cruising the worldwide web on my laptop, I stumbled upon Ticketmaster's website. On the list of upcoming local shows, the name KE$HA popped out at me, and I noticed that general admission was only 60 bucks (compared to $150+ for Britney and Gaga's cheap seats). SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

Out of curiosity, I skim through the reviews and I see a lot of ONE-STAR ratings for the show. WHAT??! Apparently, a bunch of outraged moms have taken to the internet to warn people that Ke$ha is "crude and wildly inappropriate." Umm... DUHHH, that's been her gimmick since Day One! What did you expect, Sister Mary Buttplug? It's called The GET $LEAZY Tour, not The DRINK MILK, STAY CHASTE Tour!

All the mud-slinging reviews make me wanna see the show more than ever. It would make a perfect, moderately priced event to cross off our bucket list: Attend a BIG-NAME concert (Third Eye Blind doesn't count!). I immediately round up the posse and order 6 tickets for the show: one for me, Rice Lady, Paul, Shannon, Chelsey, EJ, and Nelly's sold separately. Unfortunately, after a couple of months, the line-up changes up slightly, but in the end, we only lose 2 peeps.

The big day finally arrives and I'm driving Rice Lady and EJ to Fairfax, VA, WOO-WOO! Since we're making excellent time with minimal traffic, we swing by this fabulous Thai restaurant up the road. As we're strolling down the sidewalk, a car full of girls screams at us, "KE$HAAA? Where is it?" Since I'm from out of town, all I can do is point and say, "That way!" ...Tragic foreshadowing.

Filled to the rim with Pad Thai, we resume our road trip. In an unexpected twist of fate, my GPS leads me to a dead-end road, then someone's backyard, and then the frickin' sidewalk! I don't know what it is about college campuses that makes my precious Sacagawea completely lose her shit. After circling the college town for nearly 15 minutes, we still haven't reached the Patriot Center. Eventually, we do some off-road driving and end up in an on-campus parking garage; shortly after, we get directions from a campus security guard.



We hike our way across campus and although we've missed the opening act, Spank Rock (whoever the hell they are), and Chelsey getting drenched with some klutzy guy's beer, we arrive just in time to see Ke$ha's second opener/co-headliners-in-the-making, LMFAO! To tell you the truth, I can't stand their breakthrough hit, "Party Rock Anthem." I'm constantly complaining about how House music has become so mainstream; while crazy synths and repetitive beats are mandatory at a nightclub, I don't wanna hear it on the radio. But after watching them perform live, I'm now an LMFAO fan--a "Party Rocker," if you will.

With the dancers' skin-tight costumes and the lead singer's bravado, I find myself swooning and dancing along to their bass-pumping tracks. In addition to their signature hits, "Party Rock Anthem" and "Shots," they also perform sexy club songs like, "Sexy & I Know It" and "I'm In Miami, Bitch." Despite my initial doubts, they really are the perfect openers for The Get $leazy Tour, because much like Ke$ha, LMFAO are the poster boys for sex, drugs, and rockin' out with one's cock out. It's a seamless transition.

TONIGHT'S SET LIST

• Sleazy (Cannibal)
• Take It Off (Animal)
• Fuck Him He's A DJ (Cannibal)
• Blow (Animal)
• Blah, Blah, Blah (Animal)
• Party At A Rich Dude's House (Animal)
• Backstabber (Animal)
• Cannibal (Cannibal)
• The Harold Song (Cannibal)
• Animal (Animal)
• Dinosaur (Animal)
• Grow A Pear (Cannibal)
• Your Love Is My Drug (Animal)
• TiK ToK (Animal)

I AM THE DANCE COMMANDER

+

I COMMAND YOU TO DANCE!!

NOTE: Song actually starts at 1:37.

Once LMFAO leaves the stage, I head to the gift shop to pick up some flashing club-kid glasses and glowsticks for Ke$ha's set. After nearly two minutes of teasing the crowd with strobe lights and ominous beats, a mysterious pair of fluorescent glasses appears onstage, followed by Ke$ha's disembodied voice. From the opening line, I'm immediately excited to hear my favorite song, "$leazy." Seriously, it's been my ringtone for months. :) Right off the bat, I'm impressed that not only is she singing LIVE, she is also playing the drums and at times, a synthesizer. At the song's close, she says to the crowd, "Tonight I wanna see you on your very WORST behavior." DONE.

For the rest of the night, it's a non-stop party filled with debauchery and decadence; F-bombs are being dropped left and right and beer is flowing like water. I'm happy to see her perform an even mix of songs from her debut album, Animal, and the sequel, Cannibal. I'm especially shocked/delighted to hear another naughty favorite that you'll NEVER hear on the radio, "Fuck Him He's A DJ."

It's funny, I look around and see that A LOT of people came to the show in-costume; I wish we'd gotten the memo! For real, it's a sad day when we're the most conservative-looking people in the room! The only thing crazier than the costumes in the audience are the ones onstage. Throughout the show, Ke$ha's two male backup dancers don blond wigs and play her "evil twins." It's pretty awesome and hilarious.

Maybe it's a sign that I've reached a certain age, but although I'm having THE TIME OF MY LIFE, I'm genuinely appalled that there are literally hundreds of "tweenage" girls in the audience, some of whom were just dropped off at the stadium by their parents, no questions asked. I thought it was odd that my co-worker's 9-year-old granddaughter listened to Ke$ha, but now I realize that a lot of kids do. It's OK for them to listen to the radio edits, but make no mistake about it, the live show is definitely for Mature Audiences Only.

As I'm rapping one of my favorite lines, "Rat-a-tat-tat on yo' dum-dum-drum, This beat's so phat, gonna make me cum-um-um-um All over your face, Motherfucka," I look around and blush at their enthusiastic little faces. AWK-WARD. Although Ke$ha has some qualities that make her an excellent role model--she's street-smart, honest, aggressive, and has got the ladyballs to do whatever and whoever she wants--it's the profanity and drug use that children shouldn't be exposed to. The little girls treat the show like it's Halloween, dressing up in excessive eye-makeup, green lipstick, and fishnet stockings. But none of this is Ke$ha's fault AT ALL; as usual, it's just the parents' poor judgment.

Between sets, the songstress plops down in a metal chair and chugs a can of beer... to the roar of the crowd. Without missing a beat, she says, "If you think that's something, I can do this all night." After performing a stream of raunchy party tracks, she slows down the pace with a couple of ballads, "The Harold Song" and the first song she ever wrote, "Animal." I had rarely listened to the latter, but after hearing it live, it has become one of my favorites. On a similar note, after seeing the live performances, I've revisited two lesser-known Animal tracks: "Dinosaur" and "Backstabber."

And now we come to a crucial element in female pop concerts, as of late: The Lapdance. Britney does it, Rihanna does it, Katy Perry does it, and now so does Ke$ha... but with a twist. She drags some lucky guy onstage and dedicates a song to him--a song about testicles called "Grow A Pear." He is strapped to a chair and subsequently teabagged by a guy with GIANT balls. What an honor.

 

In comparison to the Femme Fatale tour, Ke$ha's show is actually on-par and in some ways, superior. While it reminds me more of a college play than a multi-million dollar production, Ke$ha uses costumes, props, and Vaudevillian comedy sketches to entertain the audience. Never in my life have I seen so much glitter; there are glitter hoses, glitter machine guns, and Yes, even a GLITTER CANNON! While Britney is a divalicious pop culture icon, Ke$ha's a more down-to-earth artist who masterfully plays the role of Badass Party Girl. They're both amazing entertainers, but in different ways.

Following her encore performance of "We R Who We R," Ke$ha leaves us with some insightful words of wisdom: "Be who you are honestly and unapologetically always." It's the perfect motto for our motley band of misfits; our group works so well because we each contribute something unique and special to the dynamic. We all have our quirks, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I Love You, I Warned You...

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Chimpanzees Be Hatin' But I Take It All In Stride

Theme Song: "Till The World Ends" - Britney Spears

Incoming TEXT Message from Shannon:

Hey, I'm pretty sure Rob's buying me tickets to see Britney Spears
perform in DC for my birthday, but he's made it clear
that he doesn't want to go. 
Wanna come?

Gee. Let me think about it...

HELL TO THE YES!!!

Ever since I saw the video for "(You Drive Me) Crazy," which now that I think about it was TWELVE YEARS AGO, I've been fascinated with Miss Britney Spears. Her iconic "In The Zone" poster hung on my wall in high school and inspired me to design my intense ab workout regimen. The "I'm A Slave 4 U" song/video gave me the strength to embrace my sensuality and gradually come out to my closest friends. Over the years, I've amassed all her albums, singles, music videos, and DVD concert specials. Long story short: I love me some Brit-Brit.

In the two weeks leading up to the concert, I've got butterflies in my stomach and I'm agonizing over what I should wear for such a fabulous occasion. When the day finally arrives, Shannon and I endure bumper-to-bumper traffic for over an hour before reaching the Verizon Center in DC, an ENORMOUS stadium that reminds me of a miniature city. Seriously, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, that's where the posse and I'll shack up.

Since it's already 15 minutes after showtime, we can hear the hard-pounding bass of Brit's first opening act, Nervo. Neither Shannon nor I are remotely interested in seeing them, so we take this time to beat the post-show rush and buy some Femme Fatale tour merch. While standing in line for our T-Shirts and commemorative mugs, a random woman approaches us. Rocking a sleek body-hugging black dress, this middle-aged woman has the unnatural physique of a 20 year old. She enthusiastically introduces us to her tweenage daughter who's being rewarded for getting straight A's on her report card. It's cool to see first-hand how broad Britney's fanbase really is; although Brit has toned things down over the years, the 3 of us agree that Mama will have to cover the minor's ears when Nicki Minaj grabs the mic.

That's right, kids! We're lucky to see one of the last Femme Fatale performances to include co-headliner NICKI MINAJ! And let me tell you, that girl knows how to put on a show! From the opening drumbeat, Shannon and I jump up out of our seats and run to closer, yet empty, section to get a better look at all her theatrics--everything from an elaborate swordfight to giving her female backup dancers a tongue bath. The whole time I'm rapping along with Nicki, I'm shocked at how many of her songs I actually know. Among others, she performs mega-hits such as "Moment 4 Life," "Super Bass," "Where Them Girls At," "Roman's Revenge," and my personal favorite, "MoNSTeR." RAAAHHHH!!

Cue the :45 minute countdown to Britney. As the audience roars in anticipation, the giant video screens play a montage of Britney's sexiest video moments, and a tour-specific intro with a fictional detective on the hunt for the elusive Femme Fatale.

TONIGHT'S SET LIST

• Hold It Against Me
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• Up N’ Down
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• 3
 (The Singles Collection)
  
• Piece of Me (Blackout)
  
• Big Fat Bass
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• How I Roll (Femme Fatale)
  
• Lace and Leather (Circus)

  
• If U Seek Amy
 (Circus)
  
• Gimme More
 (Blackout)
  
• (Drop Dead) Beautiful (Femme Fatale)
  
• Boys (Britney)
  
• Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know (Oops! I Did It Again)

  
• ...Baby One More Time
 / S & M (...Baby One More Time)
  
• Trouble For Me
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• I’m A Slave 4 U
 (Britney)
  
• I Wanna Go
 (Femme Fatale)
  
• Womanizer
 (Circus)

When Britney finally saunters onto the phallus-shaped stage and purrs "Hey, Over there," everybody goes W-I-L-D, myself included. We all climb out of our seats and the dance party officially begins! Like everyone always says about celebrities, Brit-Brit looks slightly shorter than I've always pictured... but then again, we're up in the nosebleeds so for all I know, she's 6'2". :P

Most importantly, I'm SO glad to see that she's got her "bangin' tour body" back. She's perfectly toned but with plenty of curves, unlike Miss Madonna--seriously, check that chick's urine for steroids. It's hard to believe that girlfriend is on the edge of 29 with two toddlers at home.


Alright, let's address the Elephant in the Room. It's no secret that Britney lip-syncs on-stage. One of my all-time favorite quotes comes from Britney's former personal assistant: "You don't go to a Britney Spears show to hear her hit the high note." It really is all about the spectacle. On the ride to the concert, Shannon and I recall Kathy Griffin's stand-up routine about the Circus Tour and how she performed all the songs in order... basically saying that Britney popped the album in the boombox and pressed Play. :P From the moment Britney took the stage, it REALLY didn't matter if she was singing at all; she's such a natural performer that we were excited just to see her, hear the hits, and dance our asses off in the same room as her. According to Perez Hilton.com, she actually does sing 60% live on this tour, which is pretty awesome.


I'm pleasantly surprised that Britney has sprinkled in some songs from the extremely underrated BlackOut album--undoubtedly, her management team is still trying to erase Britney's unenthusiastic performance of the lead single, "Gimme More," at the VMAs from public memory. My personal favorite numbers are "Piece of Me," "(Drop Dead) Beautiful," "Big Fat Bass," and "S&M." By far, the most memorable moment is Britney's special Audience Member Lapdance, set to a lesser-known Circus track, entitled "Lace and Leather."


Pulling out all the stops, Britney ditches the Cirque du Soleil dancers from her previous tour and relies more on pyrotechnics, elaborate set pieces (eg. a gold-plated gondola, pink convertible), lush costumes, and irresistible remixes of her greatest hits.


After pumping out the hits for 90+ minutes, Britney returns for an encore and performs "Till The World Ends," a track written for her by songstress/Britney deciple, Ke$ha. Nicki Minaj comes back for the remix as Britney dons a metallic set of angel wings and soars over the audience. It's the perfect ending to an OUTSTANDING SHOW! I repeat, the girl knows how to entertain. =)

Now for the really fun part: getting the hell out of DC! After 10 minutes of sitting in line on the top floor of a parking garage, Shannon joking says. "We might as well walk to a bar and come back in an hour." ...Good plan. *puts car in park* IT'S BEEN REAL, BIT-CHES!! We hop out of the car and head to Clyde's, where we get our drink on with two rounds of delicious dessert cocktails and cake shooters. MMMMmmmm...

Whoa-ah-oh-oh-oh-oh-AHHOHH

Whoa-ah-oh-oh-oh-oh-OHHOHH

This Ain't About Women's Lib... It's About Women's LIB-IDO!

Lately, my iPod's been playing a lot of songs by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. So when I saw that The Runaways was on sale for $9 at FYE, I just couldn't pass it up. Even though I'd never seen the movie, and I CAN'T STAND Kristen Stewart (who for some reason, was cast as guitar goddess Joan Jett), I decided to take a chance. When the FYE hipster cashier rang me up, he said, "Kristen Stewart's really good in this one"... to which I responded, "PFFT, DOUBT IT." Sorry, it was a reflex.


As you probably guessed, The Runaways tells the story of The Runaways, the world's first all-girl Rock N Roll group, best known for their jailbait anthem, "Cherry Bomb." The film features the original band line-up: Cherie Currie, Joan Jett, Lita Ford, Sandy West, and Jackie Fox (renamed "Robin Robbins" for legal reasons). Not only were they 16 years old, they played their own instruments and rocked just as hard as their male peers. Sadly, as is the case with practically every girl group in history, they quickly disbanded because egos took precedence over music and drama between bandmates played out onstage and off (see: The Supremes, Klymaxx, The Spice Girls, The Pussycat Dolls).

First of all, The Runaways is a rather misleading title, because only 2 out of the 5 bandmates have speaking parts. This doesn't surprise me, given that the entire screenplay is based on Cherie Currie's autobiography, "Neon Angel: A Memoir of a Runaway," and only Jett and Currie cooperated with the film adaptation. Not a good sign.

On top of that, the story itself is surprisingly boring. I was expecting to see a story about the band's long hard road to fame and fortune and their gradual descent into obscurity. WELL... apparently, Joan Jett just walked up to record producer, Kim Fowley, in a nightclub and said, "Hi, I'm Joan Jett and I play guitar." And without hearing her play a single chord, HE HANDED HER A RECORD CONTRACT, and they searched for more hot teenage girls to form a group. Seriously, that's how it all began.

As for Kristen Stewart's performance, all I can say is, "You've gotta be shitting me, Woman!" I wasn't expecting much, having seen her work in Twilight and Adventureland. But given that Stewart has received so much praise from the filmmakers and JOAN JETT HERSELF for her "Method" approach to the role, I'm shocked that she dropped the ball completely. When I say "Method Acting," I mean, Joan Jett was on the movie set every day, spending enormous amounts of time hanging out with Kristen. And Kristen devoted this time to studying and mimicking Jett's body language, hand gestures, and accent. She succeeds at walking and strumming her guitar like Joan Jett would, but when it comes to dialogue, her performance is as unmotivated and boring as ever. In my opinion, she wasted so much time imitating "Joan Jett: The Ordinary Person" that she never created "Joan Jett: The Visionary Character." She lets her impeccable hair and makeup artist do all the work for her. Bottom line: she comes off as more of a stand-in than an actress.


In a bit of stunt casting, Dakota Fanning, best known for her childhood roles in I Am Sam and War of the Worlds, plays small town girl-turned-sex symbol, Cherie Currie. And much to my surprise, she does an excellent job! I've never been a Dakota fan, but I couldn't take my eyes off her in this movie. Granted, she definitely had the most resources to work with: a detailed backstory, a character arc, tons of screen time, and access to Cherie Currie. Unlike Stewart, Dakota spoke briefly to Cherie Currie for research, studied Currie's teenage idols (David Bowie, Peggy Lee, etc), and created a compelling tragic heroine.


The Runaways only tells the story of Cherie and out of obligation, Joan. This becomes glaringly obvious when the credits roll and we only see life updates on Joan, Cherie, and record exec Kim Fowley... Fuck everyone else. Save your money; wait until it's on cable.

❁ Dyed Black As A Warning ❁

SO. I woke up this morning to an extremely random FaceBook message from someone I don't know in any way, shape, or form. And it goes a little something like this:

No american actress should ever play Red Sonja. definitely not mcgowan .no american actress would ever do brigettes character any justice. just watched Red yesterday on my dvr. brings back childhood memories

I won't lie, I'm kinda creeped out, but on the other hand, I'm flattered that strange men think I'm approachable enough to engage in a film argument. So I will accept your challenge, sir. And GO!

First of all, the original "Red Sonja" is not an Academy Award winning masterpiece. It is one of those awesomely BAD "cult classics" with a ridiculous storyline, cheesy special effects, and over-the-top acting. It stars acting powerhouses Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold Schwarzenegger... need I say more? The elaborate swordfighting scenes are the only saving grace of this picture.



As of 2009, Rose McGowan has been the frontrunner to play Red Sonja in the Robert Rodriguez remake. Personally, I don't see why anyone would want to re-make this movie, but if anyone can transform the laughable 80s version into something dark, edgy, and exciting, it's Rodriguez (best known for his El Mariachi trilogy, Sin City, Planet Terror, Machete). I, too, was skeptical at first because Rose is only 5'4", but I know that as a pioneer of the 90s Indie Movement, she has the acting chops to play Red Sonja... one thing's for certain, she couldn't do any worse than Brigitte Nielsen!


And not only is this guy's claim that "No american actress should play Red Sonja," exceedingly racist, it's incredibly ironic given that ROSE McGOWAN ISN'T EVEN FROM AMERICA! That's correct: Rose was actually born and raised in Florence, Italy until age 9, when she migrated to the United States. I'd definitely attribute her porcelain radiance to her Italian lineage; her American accent is so good at this point that audiences are hard-pressed to tell the difference.


In addition to having a beautiful face and a banging body, Rose is ONE TOUGH BITCH. She's so dedicated to her craft that she insists on doing her own dangerous stunts (most notably in Planet Terror) and recently had some of her elbow surgically removed as a result.

Perhaps what makes Rose such a great choice is her ability to laugh at herself; she never takes herself too seriously. Whenever Rose graces the silver screen, she exudes confidence and makes any script come alive with her comedic timing. If Rodriguez wants to remake Red Sonja, I believe that Rose could enhance the script with her trademark sarcasm and badassery.


All I know for sure is this: If Rodriguez keeps Rose McGowan in this iconic role, I will definitely see the movie in the theater. If he casts some random foreign behemoth instead... I'll catch it on SyFy.