I'm [NOT] Your Baby Tonight (The Pilot Episode)

Original Air Date: 08.24.2004
Opening Song: "Shake Ya Body" - Tyra Banks

The bad taste in my mouth from Sunday's work has managed to spill over into my busy Wednesday. Amazing. Sunday morning I had bloody cuts on both my ear and my finger, so I rushed to the bathroom and cleaned the wounds. I ran back to the store and bought some liquid bandage (called NEW SKIN) and hurried to the bathroom to apply, sucking my finger and covering my ear the entire time. I probably freaked out the little kid that came in while I was applying. See, the NEW SKIN looks exactly like nail polish and smells exactly like nail polish (and the label says "CAUTION: NAIL POLISH REMOVER MAY DISSOLVE NEW SKIN!") so I really feel that it was worth the extra buck. You can't see me, but I'm rolling my eyes at this very moment. So, I blew my nails dry and went back to work.

Now to the really disturbing part of that day. I was working with two people that day, one of whom was a psychopath. His name is Wayne and he loves to sing... gospel music... ALL DAY LONG! I can deal with this. (No problem) But when he kept addressing me as "Baby," I was on the verge of shoving my size 11 up his tone deaf behind. That would be fun, but that's not how we deal with crazy people.

That reminds me. I was watching a movie on Skinemax last night, "Devil in the Flesh," starring my favorite actress, Rose McGowan. It was the funniest part of the horror movie. The racist, abusive, extremely Christian grandmother has just found Rose's thong underwear and has read through her diary, discovering her evil plan. So, of course Granny pushes Crazy Rose on the ground and gives her a good whack with her cane and says, "You're not gonna get away with it. You're a whore just like your mother!I'm calling the police and they're gonna take you to jail!" Then, Rose snatches the cane and sensuously says, "You're not telling NOBODY!" and proceeds to beat that old lady with her own cane.

So, what have I learned? I learned not to upset a person who might be crazy, especially not to let them know that you know all about the evil plan ('cause there's always an evil plan). Or in short, don't be a dumbass 'cause crazy folk will cut ya.