Heavy Lies The Crown (9.09) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 03.21.2008
Theme Song: "Killer Queen" - Queen

Well, boys and girls, it's that time of year again. That's right, it's mid-March and ALLiES' 4th Annual Gender Bender Dance is almost upon us. Given my long track record of fabulous poster designs, Jai personally asks me to make one for the GBD, even though she's already passed the reigns onto V.P. DeLue. Inspired by pictures taken in past years, I find myself staring at the finished product after less than two hours of work. The poster has a gradient Easter Egg color scheme and features some standout images from Gender Bender History: DJ Christina, French Tutor Mark, Adorable Anne Marie, and Dominatrix Janine. Both Jai and DeLue are pleased, much to my delight.

Like a good boy scout, I've been prepared for this night for over a month. As I have with previous years, all my costume pieces, wigs, props, etc. have been shipped from my one-stop sleazy role-playing shop, ABC. Unfortunately, as always, the unexpected happens: Emily, my favorite make-up artist, will be staying with her boyfriend at Penn State all weekend. Even though I notified her months in advance, I totally understand and there are no hard feelings because what's the Cardinal Rule of our relationship? Oh, I remember: "God help the sister that comes between me and my mister!"


It's the big night and I find myself in bedroom, frantically trying to squeeze into a pair of fishnet stockings. Meanwhile, Travis and I are commenting on ESPN's National Collegiate Wrestling Tournament, swapping war stories, scoping out the gladiatorial hotties, but mostly, watching in bewilderment as ASU's Anthony Robles, aka "The One-Legged Wonder," takes the floor. Although he's extremely impressive, whenever I see him hop onto the mat, I feel like I'm watching that politically incorrect classic, Freaks. Once I've gotten my fill of collegiate competition, I don my dahlia black wig and fedora, and make that ceremonious walk to the Attic... in heels.


Enveloped by the pale moonlight, I clip-clop my way across campus, just shaking my ass, flipping my hair, making those other girls WISH they could look this good. It's the best feeling in the world: with a minimal amount of effort, I can raise awareness about the politics of gender and sexuality in our society, just by dressing like a slut. I LOVE IT!


Cautiously, I ascend the metal staircase, praying that this won't be the year when I suddenly slip, fall, and go tumbling back down. Pushing my way past the front door, I make my grand entrance, and watch the judges' jaws drop. Janine has arrived, BIT-CHES! :D After saying "Hey Girl" to my fellow ALLiES, I make my way to the dance floor. And who's the first person to approach me? Adam, my favorite Eagle Scout! It always impresses me that not only is he willing to openly support the cause but he also has the balls to dress up (granted, not TOO well) every year. MUCH RESPECT.


Unlike previous years, most of my time is spent in the lobby, as opposed to the dance floor. This is mostly because I'm compiling footage for my student film, a documentary about Gettysburg College's GLBTQ population. After downing a few cups of orange soda (laced with vodka), Jai hijacks my camera and drunkenly makes out with a wasted Claire on the Judges' Table for a few minutes.


After witnessing that drunken display of affection, I strut my way over to the dance floor, and what do I find? My roommate full-on JACK-HAMMERING his on-again off-again boyfriend, Bryan. Sparks and woodchips are flying everywhere! Luckily, I'm wearing my sunglasses so no metal shrapnel hits me in the eye. *cringe* That'll be a fun pair to come home to tonight.

WINNERS ARE ANNOUNCED

BEST OVERALL:
Sheng Chen

BEST GIRL TO GUY:
Katelin Harvie

BEST GUY TO GIRL:
Will Green

FUNNIEST
James Burkhalter

Honestly, I didn't exactly aim for Funniest, but Hey, I'LL TAKE IT. It really is true what they say... It's good to be the Queen. =)

Over The Hill (9.08) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 01.18.2009
Theme Song: "Don't Trust Me" - 3Oh!3

At the BSU's Annual Halloween Dance last year, I find myself talking to Mark for the first time since September. On the dance floor, he tells me, "I'm SO excited for your annual Halloween party!" Umm, with all the shit I'm currently going through, I am in NO mood to celebrate.

A lot of people don't realize how much thought, time, effort, and money goes into throwing a spectacular shindig. Upon hearing that I'm too busy with classes to throw what would be my TENTH annual party, Mark offers to pay for half of everything. Sorry, darling, but after your obnoxious drunken antics last month at ALLiES House, you are considered persona non grata with all but one of my housemates.

Three months later, things change: it's a new year, a fresh start, with THREE new housemates (DeLue, Megan, Adaeze) and I'm finally in the mood to party! My birthday falls on the day before classes start, so all my friends will be on-campus. Since I'm back home with all my old design software, labels, and printer, I decide to make dozens of party favors (customized mix CDs) in preparation for a hoppin' house party. After all, I spent my 21st birthday all alone, so this will make up for it.


I return to campus a few days prior and decide to rent a projector from the library. Upon arrival at Musselman Basement, who do I see? ...KYLE. *RAGE levels RISING* Recognizing him immediately from behind, I jab him in the shoulder with my finger, spin him around, and ask, "Why aren't you in Egypt?" Kyle quickly tells me he'll be gone after the weekend as he scampers off. Fine by me.

Had I known he was in town, I would've sent him an invitation out of courtesy, but since he didn't even have the decency to inform me that he would be in Gettysburg for the week, not only is he NOT invited, if he shows his face that night, I will tell him to "Fuck Off," no matter what my so-called friends think. Nothing more need be said but "Ding Dong, the Witch is dead." GOOD RIDDANCE.

Once my To-Do List is 75% complete, the day of the party has finally arrived. As with every party I throw, I'm responsible for providing my guests with good food and drinks. But after walking 3 miles to the grocery store and back, I am uncharacteristically EXHAUSTED. Probably 'cause I'm used to doing all this in October as opposed to January.

Fortunately, my distress does not go unnoticed as Chasse takes pity on me and offers to drive me around town to run the rest of my errands. SWEET! I climb into his jeep and we're off to the Beer Mart for 2 party crates of Smirnoff Ice, then La Bella Italia for their delicious pizza. On foot, that would've taken me about two hours; by jeep, it's about ten minutes. For his generosity, I am indebted to Mr. Rehwinkel.


Back at the Manor, Alex helps me set up the TV, PS3, and projector so my guests can mingle, watch music videos and play Rock Band in the Common Room, while I run around the rest of the house like a chicken with my head cut off. It's funny, one of the first videos I show them is Lady GaGa's "Poker Face" which literally JUST came out, so nobody there knows who this crazy bitch is. As with everything else in life, the Gays are always ahead of the curve.


Across the hall, my bedroom is decked out in black lights, so everything glows in the dark. This overflow party room is equipped with Dance Dance Revolution mats and a wide assortment of interactive dance games. After floating back and forth between venues, making sure all my guests are comfortable and having fun, I find a surprise waiting for me in the Common Room. Gwen and Becky are back from studying overseas, so GWATECKY is reunited, and they come together to sing me a special Wench song (which I believe they learned while working at the Renaissance Faire).


Per usual at ALLiES House, a Rock Band jam session and DDR Dance-Off dominate the first portion of the party. That's right, Jai's got the microphone and girlfriend is not lettin' go! It's funny watching GWATECKY back together again, as the three of them perform DDR moves in perfect synchronicity. They also bring their friends, "Jesus" and "Moses" (ironic, right?), and tonight I just say, "The more, the merrier!" That's one of the advantages of having a house party: multiple rooms to entertain guests AND friends of guests.


But we can't just play video games ALL NIGHT... that would be lame. So, since it's my birthday and all, I decide to screen one of my all-time favorite movies, JAWBREAKER. Drawing inspiration from cult classics like Heathers and Carrie, I credit this film for my own twisted sense of humor. It stars my favorite actress, Rose McGowan, the poster girl for sass, sensuality, and overall badassery. Needless to say, I can't get enough of this movie and I know all the dialogue by heart.

For the first time all night, I finally get to sit down and stop worrying about my guests--whether they're having a good time and getting along with one another. Chillaxing on the couch, I find myself next to Chasse. Angie arrives, I scooch over to make room for her, and my knee bumps into his. Squished against one another, my shoulder buried in his chest, I feel him, little by little, edging his way closer to me. I don't mind.


An icy yet pleasant chill shoots up my spine, and across my forehead, I feel beads of sweat forming. After a minute of weighing the Pros and Cons, I just throw my hands up and say to myself, "Why the fuck not? Nice guys should be rewarded." As the movie reaches its 3rd Act, my fingers inconspicuously make their way over to his. Under the cover of darkness, I slowly run my thumb along his sweaty palm. I can feel his heart RACING.

After the end credits roll, I recruit only Chasse to help me clean up the carnage. Once the room is near spotless, just Travis, Luke, and Adaeze are left, prepared to play Rock Band into the wee hours of the night. In my best attempt to be slick in front of my remaining party guests, I turn to Chasse, trashbag in hand, and ask, "So, you feel like hanging out for a bit?" He quickly responds, "Absolutely." We wave Goodbye to the gang and frantically ascend the stairwell.

It's pitch black. The hardwood door slams behind me and a hand appears on my shoulder. I grasp it and guide it down to my belly button.
A thick brush of facial hair sweeps across the back of my neck
as a voice whispers softly into my ear,
"Happy Birthday..."

She Blinded Me With Science (9.07) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 04.20.2009
Theme Song: "Weird Science" - Oingo Boingo

(Cue EMO guitar riffs)
♫ ARE YOU HOPING FOR A MIRACLE?
ARE YOU HOPING FOR A MIRACLE-OH-OH-OHHH? ♫
EVERY DAMN MORNING. Every damn morning, that's the racket I wake up to: Travis' Emo Rock Chorus on an endless loop. And as with every roommate I've ever had, he remains in his blissful slumber, while I wake up in utter panic, burying my face in my pillow because I just went to bed three hours ago. What can I say? I'm an incredibly light sleeper.

Anywho, as usual, I'm on the top bunk, my voice rising in a crescendo, "Travis... Travis... TRAVIS, TURN THAT SHIT OFF, IT'S GIVING ME A MIGRAINE!" But in typical Travis fashion, he'll groggily hit the SNOOZE button, so the minute he walks out to take his shower, the alarm goes off again. And since he has one of those iPod Dock alarm clocks (with a million buttons), I'm just draping my arm over the side of the bed, whacking the space-age contraption, shouting "DIE, DIE, DIE!!" until the god-awful music finally stops.

It's on mornings like this that I can barely drag myself out of bed to go to my 9AM class, Biology 101... a.k.a. the bane of my existence. I hate that class with a passion because it's one that I'm forced to take, in order to satisfy the Natural Lab Science curriculum requirement. Science classes require a different kind of thinking than my literary classes, and unfortunately, as a Senior, I find it harder and harder to break out of my artistic train of thought.

When Fall Semester comes to an end, I've earned an A in the weekly labs, a B on my 1st exam (though 70% of the class failed it), a D on the second (Wake-Up Call), a C+ on the third, and God only knows on the Final... all I know is, I must've TANKED it because for the first time in my ENTIRE life, I received a D in a class--technically, it was a D+, but seriously, why try and dress up a D? It's surprising because I thought I understood Genetics more than any other unit, and the entire final exam was made up of Punnett Squares and an essay... false confidence is such a bitch.

Come January, I'm freaking out because I didn't get off the Wait List for my 4th and final required Natural Science elective. OH MY GOD, if I don't take this class, I'm not going to graduate this May! WHY oh WHY did I schedule all those horrible but necessary classes for my senior year?!

Desperate to get into a science class, I go to my good friend, Dr. Wedlock (ALLiES Adviser, Physical Chemistry professor), and ask him for advice. He tells me to just go door-to-door in the science building and see if they have openings on the 100-level. Once again, I check my pride at the door, toss a feathered boa around my neck, and whore myself out to any science professor who will have me. It gets to the point where I'm literally begging to be admitted into Astronomy 101 and Advanced Physics. The Physics professor was actually ready to let me into such an unpopular class, though I could barely decipher the syllabus... I think it was in English.

Little do I know, over 20 other seniors are in the exact same situation that I am, according to the Registrar's Office. Sensing a riot on the horizon, the Environmental Science Department adds a special night class geared specifically toward seniors. It's clear from the very first session that none of us (including Prof. Cavaliere) want to be there.

On the bright side, the class gives me the opportunity to hang out with Nikki, a Political Science major I haven't seen since Freshman Year, when she and I lived in Huber Hall. We motivate one another to do well in the class and we work together on our final project, a research paper on the Killer Whale.

Fatal Attraction (9.06) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 12.19.2008
Theme Song: "Never Again" - Kelly Clarkson

Previously on Chaos Under The Big Top: The College Years... Within hours of Kyle's return to Gettysburg, he and James broke up. After a heated encounter, they grabbed their stashes of alcohol and joined their friends for a late-night housewarming party.

MY GUY WANTS TO PARTY ALL THE TIME
Apple Martini in hand, I saunter into the Common Room and plop down on the couch. I turn to Jai and say those three magic words, "We broke up," to which she responds, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Honey." It's sweet of her to pretend, but for the past 24 hours, it's been pretty obvious that she, Chasse, and Jimmy (the 3rd floor residents) all saw this coming.

NEW IN TOWN
After a round of drinks, some new fabulous students arrive, including the "New Gay on Campus," Bryan, the blond, blue-eyed ingenue. Truth be told, he is one of the most attractive openly gay guys to attend Gettysburg in the past 3 years. Way too young looking for my taste, but after getting completely SLOSHED within the hour, I decide to mingle with him. He wants a tour of the house; I volunteer to show him my bedroom; he accepts and we leave.

I stumble across the hall, unlock the bedroom door, and prop it open with a box of TIDE detergent. There's a reason for this, and I tell Bryan straight up: "You'll have to excuse my friends. My boyfriend and I just broke up and they have me on Suicide Watch. I'm pretty sure they think I'm going to rape you. *pause* ...I'm not, by the way." Let's be real, at this point, I couldn't fuck him even if I wanted to. I'm DRUNK, my penis isn't even in the building right now! As expected, Chasse and Jimmy wander into my bedroom periodically to check up on us, and I don't give a shit.

Like a good tour guide, I show him my coffeetable books, my hardcover collection, and my Queer Cinema collection. We briefly discuss our common interests in Vegetarianism, Paganism, and plenty of other -isms I cannot recall. After mentioning that I speak fluent Spanish--little did I know he was GUNG HO for the Spanish--he tries to start a conversation with me. GIRL, I am extremely inebriated, I am in NO MOOD to speak and interpret a foreign language. Of course nothing happens, he's cute and all but I'm honestly more attracted to guys' personalities before I even consider their looks.


Eventually, we make our way back to the Common Room, where the night takes an ugly turn, thanks to three not-so-magical words: TRUTH OR DARE. It's not my favorite game, and not just because 1) I'm dared to give Jai a lapdance, 2) give Jimmy a raspberry (a taste that's STILL in my mouth), and 3) smell Renny's hair. No, it's none of that.

Unable to control myself, every time it's my turn, I choose Kyle, make sure he picks TRUTH, and ask him all the questions he refused to answer earlier that night. Things get a bit too real when I ask him if he has feelings for someone else, "IS IT BILL?!" I'm literally going crazy because he couldn't give me ONE reason for losing all interest in our relationship. But at this point, I know that I can't stay in this room with him any longer without falling apart again, and I'd rather not do that in public. So I bid my friends "Adieu" and retire for the evening.

ON THE REBOUND
The next night, I'm lonely, I'm horny, and I'm flipping through my little black book in search of tonight's lucky contestant. Someone to take my mind off this shit, someone to make me feel beautiful again... Unfortunately, that someone is Mark.

Back from a semester abroad in Denmark, Mark invites me back to his bedroom. Upon arrival, he proceeds to... BORE ME TO DEATH!! x_x No, Really, I get there, and he starts showing me HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of pictures he took throughout Europe and China. I prop my eyes open and smile, while all my brain says is, "Postcard, Postcard, Google Images." I'm not interested in random snapshots of scenery and monuments; I like photos with people in them, preferably people I know.

After an hour of slide-show viewing decadence, we make our way to my bachelor pad. We watch the E! Network in silence for a while, until I finally make a move. For the first time in our 3-year dysfunctional friendship / on-again off-again relationship, he hesitates, and simply says, "Can we just watch TV?" WHAT?!! Oh NO we can NOT! I suffered through a never-ending slide-show for you, Missy. Of course, I tell him it's best that he leave that very second.

I escort Mark to the front porch, where I give Kyle and Cornell a head nod of acknowledgment. Back inside, I relieve a little tension... and now that I'm thinking straight again, I write a brief apology to Mark via email. I think--actually, I don't think, I KNOW that he has no clue what he's just done.

In my fragile state, the last thing I needed was for someone else to reject me, especially him. He's only good for one thing, and now he can't even do that... apparently, he's come back from Denmark with some dignity. *sigh* All I wanted was a quick lay to hurt Kyle back (in my own way), but I understand that I shouldn't have used Mark to do it. And though I feel kinda shitty about it, I refuse to hang out with him for the rest of the year. But seriously, rejected by the jump-off? *shakes head* Mm, Mm, Mm.

HERE COMES THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER
From casual conversations with Jai and Kat, I discover that Kyle may have a crush on Bryan, the aforementioned twink. I'M ON IT. Despite the fact that Kyle clearly no longer wants me, I don't want anyone else to have him. I know, it's sad and pathetic, but I'm having a hard enough time just living with him and watching him lead a care-free existence--I can't watch him date someone else. NO.

So, I go to work. During one of my regular late-night visits to Jai, Bryan just happens to be there. I turn on the charm and the three of us engage in witty repartee for about an hour, before the inevitable happens: Kyle passes by and immediately walks in--that is, until he finally sees me on Bryan's right side. As expected, he makes a frantic break for it, and goes to his room. But then he throws me a curveball and actually comes back to Jai's room, with a bottle of Tequila in tow. Well, Bitch, I guess it's ON!

What unfolds is a gruesome scene to watch: two bitchy, predatory gay men encircling fresh prey while an apathetic lesbian looks on. Both Kyle and I hurl flirtatious comments Bryan's way, trying to one-up each other, trying to plunge the knife deeper into each other's hearts. The game takes an unfortunate turn when Bryan's love for Dungeons & Dragons comes up. And... I'm out. That is a dealbreaker! Honey, I have dealt with a D&D loving boyfriend and I am not going back, Mm'kay. Mm'KAY?

Sometime between the first and fourth beer, Travis joins in on the mayhem--during a downstairs booze run, I had casually mentioned that Bryan was upstairs and he came running. After a while, I realize that this never was a fair competition. I had almost forgotten about Kyle's serious lack of game; frankly, he sabotaged himself by playfully threatening to "bitch slap" the peace-loving sports-hating PACIFIST. Why was I so worried?

Once the lesbian says it's BEDTIME (aka "Queens, get the fuck out!"), we're all sent on our way. I encourage the other 3 guys to continue the party at a new venue, Kyle's room, but our young Bryan is exhausted and tells me he wants to head home. Luckily, I'm the closest to the door, so after a good 30 seconds, I break the news to the other guys and start walking down the stairs... one foot at a time, at a turtle's speed. I laugh my ass off as Kyle and Travis shove each other, trying to make it down the steps and catch Bryan before he goes. I realize I'm in a real-life version of The Three Stooges right now! Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk. I shoot them a Bitch-Please look as I take my sweet time down those stairs. Don't even try to get past me 'cause I will shut you down. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, BIT-CHES!

THE NINTH GATE
It's a Saturday night in October, and I've decided to throw an impromptu Movie Night with the GAIA Pagan Society. I get immediate responses from everyone in the group... except for one person, as if you even have to guess. On a good day, Kyle barely acknowledges me with anything other than a scowl, so why would I expect him to have the courtesy to respond to an invitation via TXT message? Unfortunately, the original location (RISE House) is occupied, so I decide to host the event in ALLiES House's Common Room.

Of all the rotten luck, a few minutes after setting up all the equipment, the back door flies open and Kyle strolls in. Of course, the Pagans welcome him inside with open arms, but all I can think is, "You obviously weren't busy tonight. So why couldn't you have responded SOMETHING about Movie Night?" Needless to say, I'm not happy that he somehow weaseled his way into attending the party without having to say or TXT a single word to me.

We end up watching The Ninth Gate, a laughably awful movie starring Johnny Depp as a book dealer on the hunt for a Bible, supposedly written by the Devil himself. Naturally, during the movie, a Pagan CuddleFest occurs on top of Kyle as I keep my eyes fixated on the screen. Kat calls over to me, "James, why don't you join in?" Umm, why don't I cuddle with my asshole ex-boyfriend? Gee, let me think about it.

After the credits roll and the screen goes black, all non-ALLiES House residents are on their way out. I'm hoping that this will give Kyle and I the opportunity to have our first real conversation since August. Much to my dismay, he sprints out of the room with DeLue and Ashleigh, leaving me all alone.

...Oh, that's alright. No, really, guys, I'll clean up all by myself. On my hands and knees, I remove cans, bottles, popcorn, wrappers and deposit them in the kitchen trashcan. It actually makes me feel better to clean up after all the chaos, because it clears my head and gets me to focus on something productive.

Sadly, I still can't get him out of my head, so after washing his cup in the sink, I go up to his room, leaving it on his bookcase, along with a copy of Dan Savage's hilarious yet practical book, The Kid (my summer reading recommendation to him). Just a normal, friendly gesture.

The next morning, I wake up, walk into the hallway, and it's a FULL Common Room, mostly 3rd floor residents (Jai, Jimmy, Chasse, Kyle, Alex). I greet everyone, when my eyes are drawn to something on the coffee table. It's a copy of The Kid, staring back at me. What a RETURN TO SENDER stamp on my kindness! I look Kyle right in the eye as I bite my tongue, snatch the book off the table, and say, "I want to talk to you later." Shocked that I would say anything in front of our friends, he sighs and gives me an "OK."

AWAY FROM SHARP OBJECTS
Long after the sun goes down, once again I hear the timid Knock, Knock, Knocking at my chamber door. It's Kyle, he's looking in every direction but mine, he's standing a safe distance from the door, leaning against the opposite wall. I'm all business when I ask, "You ready?" He nods, we walk into the kitchen, and I tear into him.

I start out by saying, "Kyle, I feel like you've been a real DICK to me lately. And I just want to know why." He gives me that all-too-familiar grimace and denies treating me any differently than he used to... but then again, if he's referring to the time when we were strictly fellow ALLiES members and barely acquaintances, then YES, he is treating me normally. Seriously, how do you go from acquaintances to friends to close friends to lovers to TOTAL STRANGERS, Huh? You'd think that one of us did something unforgivable along the road.

It just pisses me off so much that I even have to ask him, "Do you consider us friends? Do you still want to be my friend?" Much to my surprise, he immediately responds that YES, he still wants to be my friend. To tell you the truth, I'd rather him say "NO, I want nothing to do with you anymore as a lover or as a friend," and be DONE with it, than have him say "YES, I want to be friends," only to turn around and keep treating me like I'm the most unpleasant person in the world.

In the past 2 months, he hasn't even bothered to waste a "Hi, how are you?" on me. It's that uncertainty about Kyle's feelings that has TORMENTED me for months. I just wanna know and be done with this bullshit, so I don't have to smile and act like his fucking friend... if he doesn't want to be friends, then I'm gonna stop being polite and really make his life a living HELL. Seriously, why do I need to be friends with some overgrown toddler who sneers whenever I walk into a room anyway?

THE CARDS NEVER LIE
A week goes by, October's on its way out, and it's time to celebrate Samhain (All Hallows Eve) with the Pagans. After performing a ritual to honor the Dead--which absolutely, positively does NOT require human sacrifices--we kick off the more upbeat festivities inside Quarry Pavilion.

We're laughing and chatting and drinking hot cider when out of the blue, Stephanie Allen walks up to me and yells, "James Burkhalter, when the hell did you get a piercing?!" From the shadows, Kyle surfaces and answers for me, "February." Stupid me, I smile and say, "Yeah, we got matching ones." Kyle's face goes white and he leads Steph to the opposite side of the Pavilion. Oh, I'm sorry. For a second there, I forgot that you despised me. What was I thinking?


By this point in the semester, I have already re-entered the Dating Game, but I'm just having fun and none of them are long-term prospects. I take a seat in front of Kat and ask her to perform a Tarot reading of my love life. It contains lots of SWORDS... not a good sign. And as I already know, it's not even describing Kyle. The cards perfectly summarize my "relationship" with my current steady: he's sweet, caring, masculine, obviously cares a lot about me, but he's just not ready to commit at this time. Yes, I've sunken so low as to waste my time on a closeted guy, but as a man with experience, I know full well that he and I can't be together in a publicly recognized monogamous relationship. He's almost ready but he's got a LOT of soul-searching and growing up to do first... too bad I'll have graduated by then.

ONE LAST TRY
Faced with the grim reality that Kyle will be away in Egypt next semester, meaning we'll NEVER get to resolve all our issues, I decide that I need to reach out to him one last time. I'm gonna swallow my pride, lay all the cards on the table, and just hope that he'll agree to have a mature discussion, one in which we can stop keeping up appearances and just say EXACTLY how we're feeling.

Lying awake due to my insomnia, I take out one of my Frida postcards and just write what's in my heart (No drafts, No edits, No rewrites), and promise myself, "I will give this to him tomorrow."

Sunday evening. 3:10am. I should be sleeping but as usual, I'm thinking about you. It's finally dawned on me that after next month, I am never going to see you again.

While part of me's jumping for joy, the other part's crying buckets... metaphorically, at least. I don't want to see you go off to Egypt and out of my life without a fight. I miss you more than words can say, and I wish that all the "I'm Sorry's" in the world would even begin to change your opinion of me. But they won't.

I'm not perfect, but then again, no one is. Even though I've just recently started dating again, at the end of the day, you're the one I really want to be with. So, to conclude "Pathetic Attempt to Reconcile #80," I'd like to ask if we could grab a bite sometime, anywhere you want.

Take Care,
James

After class, I head upstairs to his room and knock-knock-knock on his halfway-opened door (his door doesn't lock properly). I know it's questionable but I call out to him and Alex before I step inside the room. Resisting all temptation to fuck with his things, I quickly open his laptop, slide the postcard under the monitor, and leave.

THE VERDICT
It's November 4, Election Day, and it's been nearly 48 hours since I left the postcard in Kyle's room. Did he not find it? Is he just ignoring me? What's up? Once again, I make that long trek up to Kyle's bedroom and ask him if he received the note. He just says, "Yeah." As usual, I have to drag the answers out of him and ask, "Well, what do you think?" Oblivious, he responds, "Think about WHAT?" He never makes it easy.

More than anything, that's what I hate about him. He and I became very intimate and as such, I've always been honest, vulnerable and exposed around him, but he's never reciprocated. It's always as if he's hiding something and can never think of anything genuine to say to me, just one-word answers and regurgitated sayings. I cut to the chase and ask him again, "How about we have dinner sometime and talk?" "Uh, Maybe." Well, that's better than nothing, I suppose.

...In case you're wondering, we never did have that dinner.

MOVING OUT DAY
Finals Week is coming to a close and that means it's time for us to get the fuck out. Out my window I can see Kyle carrying his boxes out to the parking lot. I currently have a client in my room, and we're discussing a special XMAS video he wants to make for family and friends. It's good that he's here because it gives me a legitimate reason not to make one final scene with Kyle... handcuffing myself to the passenger door, perhaps?

As he exits my room, Jermarco sees something on the floor, gives it to me, and says, "You dropped this." Thanks. (I've never seen it before in my life, but I take it from him.)

It's a tattered blue folder, filled with stacks of paper. I open it up and inside I see 100+ copies of my original Samhain poster designs. Kyle must have printed them off, made copies, and never distributed them.

Clinging to some glimmer of hope, I rifle through the papers furiously, praying that maybe he wrote me a Goodbye note on the back of a flier. One by one, I flip the individual pages over and see nothing, NOTHING, NOTHING! Full of rage, I scream at the top of my lungs, "FUCKER!" and hurl the folder across the room as hard as I can. Not knowing my own strength, the flying folder knocks all the silverware and wine glasses off my bookcase. I watch in slow motion as everything shatters on the tile floor and glass shards come cascading toward me.

All I wanted was some goddamn closure, and that folder FULL of blank sheets of paper would have been the perfect opportunity for him to provide it. It'd be just his style. He could write whatever he wanted without having to speak to me, and since he's Cairo bound anyway, he wouldn't have to fear my wrath.

I would cry but frankly, after this semester from Hell, I'm all cried out; besides, I've wasted too many tears on his ass. *sigh* It's time to clean house and move on. "Travis, fetch my Swiffer!"

Autumn in Gettysburg (9.05) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 11.13.2008
Theme Song: "GHOSTBUSTERS" - Ray Parker Jr.

The second the front door closes behind me, my cell phone begins to ring. I fumble through my pockets and after some effort, finally yank it out. Glancing at the screen, it takes a minute to wrap my head around what's going on: AUTUMN (aka my Senior Prom date) IS CALLING ME? That never happens... especially not when I'm away at school.

I take the call and the first words out of her mouth are "JiMBO, Where are you?!" Huh? I'm at school... why? "I'm in Gettysburg!" No SHIT! She explains that, as a birthday present, her mother has paid for a fun-filled night of ghost-hunting and bar-hopping in Gettysburg, PA. As soon as she gives me her address, I start walking aimlessly down Baltimore Street, hoping that I'll see her in front of the Inn.


Afraid that I'll never locate Autumn on this winding road, I see a glimmer of hope in the distance: two lit cigarettes and a billow of smoke. I let out a shriek, "AUTUMN!!!" as I sprint across the busy street with outstretched arms. Nonchalant as ever, she cracks a cool smile, lets out a "Hey" and we embrace. She invites me into her bedroom at the Inn, the famous JENNIE WADE ROOM (named after the only civilian to be killed during the Civil War). They're pretty fancy digs, though I can't see why her mother had to book the room an entire year in advance.


Though I'm ready to be on my way, Autumn's mom and her gal pal invite me to participate in a real-life Ghost Hunt tonight, with state-of-the-art equipment and everything. How could I refuse?! We walk across the street and enter an abandoned battlefield, home of the infamous Wolverine Pack, the meanest and most vicious soldiers from the Civil War. Apparently, that's why the ladies brought me--"a big, strong man"--to protect them. *kisses bicep*

As the five of us wander through the pitch black battlefield with audio recorders, EEG readers and divining rods, I look over at Autumn and can't help but laugh; she's got the recorder in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other; we're cracking jokes throughout the entire ordeal. Meanwhile, her mother and partner-in-crime are having an absolute blast and claim to have heard ghostly voices on our tape recorder. May-be...

After playing back the audio tapes and checking our snapshots for orbs, the girls head back to the Inn, and I go back to ALLiES House. They decide that I should give them a tour of the college campus bright and early tomorrow morning, since there are tons of ghost stories to be heard. ...Too bad I can never keep them all straight. I think the only one I can tell 90% correctly is the legend of Blue Ball--I mean, Blue Boy. Blue Boy was a kid who couldn't stay overnight in Stevens Hall (an all-girls dorm back then), so he slept outside on a tree branch and one day, the girls woke up and he was gone, and to this day, people say they've seen his blue face in the window. ...Right.

It sucks that I can't be a better ghost guide, especially since the local Ghost Tour company employs dozens of students to give guided ghost tours around campus. But as much as I'd love to listen in, I REFUSE to pay 12 bucks to sit on the steps of my own fucking dorm and hear some lame ghost story. I know, I know, I could just befriend one of the tour guides for free... but believe me, there are reasons why they're relegated to hanging out with the non-living.

When In Rome, Do As Romans Do (9.04) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 11.08.2008
Theme Song: "Get The Party Started" - P!nk

RiNG-RiNG! RiNG-RiNG!
(or rather, the muzak version of "Love Me Do" by The Beatles,
since normal cell phone rings are LAME)
Hello? "Hi Grandpa, I hope I didn't interrupt your game of Cribbage." Haha, no problem, what's up? "Any chance you're going to the Roman Banquet tonight at The Attic? I don't wanna go alone." Let me think about it... SURE, I could use the fresh air!

When I ask Kat if this is a dress-casual or black-tie event she responds, "I remember there being a huge toga party last year, and I think this was it. I'm not sure." Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Toga
TOGA

TOGA

TOGAAA!!!

But then I remember, it's frickin' November! Do the math: Bedsheet + Breeze = BRRRR. And Kat isn't even 100% sure that this is an actual toga party. Deciding to play it safe, I rummage through my closet until I find something that screams "ROMAN." And there it is: my brown leather gladiator costume. It's times like this when I love how all my sexy Halloween costumes have tons of replay value... in the streets and in the sheets, if you know what I'm sayin'. ;-) Besides, if I'm gonna spend XX dollars on an outfit, then you'd best believe I'll be wearing it more than once a year!

In my button-covered ensemble, I jingle-jingle-jangle my way to Apple Hall. I page Kat, she immediately comes to the door, and SURPRISE-SURPRISE, she's playing it safe in a black cardigan and skirt combo. I turn to her and unzip my coat just enough to reveal my pecs. Yes, my friend, this is gonna be a fun night.

As I kinda expected, we arrive at the Attic and once again, I'm the ONLY ONE in costume. *sigh* You know what, FUCK IT. I look good, I feel good, and I'm gonna have fun tonight if it kills me! It turns out, before I arrived, the party's quite a Snooze Fest: Nobody's dancing, the iPod's on the fritz, and everyone's just sitting on their asses, gorging on Roman Inn pizza. But when I walk in, they're all "OOOH! I want a picture with the gladiator!" LOL, and I am more than happy to oblige. I complain to Michelle about the music and she finally remedies the situation by getting Hanna to fix the iPod.


Kat and I dance the night away with our friends (and Kyle too) and have a good laugh about the whole situation. It's a much needed night out for me; otherwise, I would've spent the entire evening at my own private pity party per usual, wondering why I'm still single. XP

And Now For Something Completely Different (9.03) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 12.15.2008
Theme Song: "Take A Chance On Me" - ABBA

Never let it be said that I am anything, if not spontaneous. I'm a firm believer that our first instincts are usually the right ones; or at least, they're the most honest. Although "Why the Fuck Not," or "WTFN" for short, may not be the most responsible words to live by, they often yield serendipitous results.

Rewind back to May of this year. While taking a casual stroll through Breidenbaugh Hall (as we English majors tend to do), I get my hands on a spring semester course catalog. Seeing as I'll be a senior, I assume I must choose a senior seminar if I want to graduate on-time. As I thumb through the catalog's neon pink pages and see seminar topics like Race, Shakespeare, and the Bronte Family, a feeling of disappointment comes over me: I'm not interested in ANY of these subjects.

Here's where the spontaneity comes in. I scan the pages once again and one particular phrase jumps out at me, Viking Studies. Refresh my mind: What do I know about Vikings? Oh right, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! And according to my twisted logic, that's what makes it the perfect choice. Just like that, it is decided. Bada-bing, bada-boom.

This Eureka moment doesn't stop my favorite professor, Temma, from trying to change my mind. A few days after I've decided to go the Viking route, I find myself in Breidenbaugh once again, this time to borrow Temma's copy of Dreams from my Father (Barack Obama's first book) and to pick up a DVD I lent to her, The Bubble. After having our usual discussion about life, Temma encourages me to sign up for her seminar on the Brontes. She does this because she knows that I always try to contribute to class discussion and I'm not afraid to offer a completely opposite or unpopular opinion on subjects. That's why she and I get along so well outside of the classroom--in her classes, we always talk about such incendiary topics that I can't help but be passionate in my responses.

After a few minutes of convincing, I'm seriously on the fence about my choice, but in one fell swoop, she shoves me over: "And you wouldn't be the only male in the class; Danny Strein has already signed up. You two always had such great discussion points in my Artificial Woman class." Given my checkered history with Danny, I decide to steer clear of any classes with him. The first and last time I made that mistake, he and I sat directly across from each other, could barely look each other in the eye, and would never address each other by name in class discussion (which was really awkward, since we often agreed on topics and built upon each other's responses). We were like Siamese fighting fish... and that was in a class of 32. The seminar would be roughly 10 students. Someone would get hurt.. and by someone, I sure as hell don't mean me, m'kay!

CUT TO: My first day in Professor Fee's Viking Studies seminar (Sep 2008). Apparently, in order to answer the ultimate question of "Who were the Vikings?" we have to ask "Who the hell was EVERYBODY ELSE?" Everybody else being the Celts, the Britons, the Scots, the Romans, and the Saxons. Want to see something funny? Take a classroom of English majors and put a world map in front of them. As Prof. Fee reads from the list of ancient sites, it's nice that I'm not the only person who has NO CLUE where anything is!


Luckily, on Day Two, I'm given the chance to return to my Smarty self (thanks to my books on the history of Paganism), when the subject turns to Celtic mythology. As I'm walking down the stairwell during our halftime break, I overhear one of the girls talking about my nerdiness, wondering if I'm a "Mythology major." Instead of shoving her ass down the stairs, I wait until she and her friend reach the first floor when I simply say, "HI." She smiles, turns three shades of red, and sprints into the Ladies Room.

If you told me three months ago that sorority girl Ivana and I would actually become friends, I'd say you were nuts... but lo and behold, after a couple weeks, she and I were on the same wavelength. And when Prof. Fee told the class that we could dress up for Samhain, only she, her girl friend, and I did. ;-D


Despite the fact that I could've coasted through any of the other senior seminars without much effort, I'm so grateful that I took a chance on Viking Studies. I did things I'd never done before: I read Irish epics, studied ancient maps of Britain, researched Norse Gods and portals to the Otherworld, and designed an interactive computer game as part of my site project. The class did a lot a good for me and not solely as a graduation requirement.

I Don't Think You're Ready For This JELLY! (9.02) (Previously UnAired)

Date Of Production: 12.17.2008
Theme Song: "Ojos Así (Eyes Like Yours)" - Shakira

I Started A Joke
Which Started the Whole World Laughing
But I Didn't See
That the Joke was on Me...
Smack dab in the middle of the week, my fellow dancers and I are summoned to the Fall Dance Ensemble meeting in the CUB. Here's how these things go: the Executive Board announces the Performance dates, the choreographers "sell" their dance classes in the hopes of coercing students to join, and sign-up sheets are distributed. Today, however, Dianna strays from the script and announces that the one and only James Burkhalter will be filming the show and making the DVDs because "he always does an amazing job." Awww, I'm genuinely touched because although I've produced DVDs for the past 2 years, I always fell into the job (i.e. the original videographer screwed up the video and I always had to swoop in and save the day). It's always nice to get some unsolicited praise... I can really use it!

After the choreographers are done with their schpeel, I jokingly turn to Kat and say:

James: "Oh Kat, I'm SO tempted to join your bellydance, I love that Shakira song!"
Ambika: YES, you totally should!
Kat: That would be AMAZING!
James: (skeptical) ...Really? ...Guys can do that?
Kat: WOOOO!

...Shit. What did I talk myself into THIS TIME?! Now I feel bad 'cause I just got Kat all excited because I said I'd join her bellydancing class when I actually have NO desire to bellydance. Hell, I don't even have a belly to dance with! Plus, both of Kat's besties and bellydancing co-horts, Becky and Gwen, are studying overseas while she's stuck here in Gettysburg. But I wasn't joking about one thing: I've always LOVED that Shakira song!

On my way home, I tell myself, "I'm actually doing this." If there's one thing I don't like, it's when unreliable friends flake out on me at the last minute. For that reason, I always try my best to be true to my word and honor my commitments... whether I like it or not. Although it would be easy, and I'm sure she'd understand my insecurities, I am not gonna abandon my girl, Kat.


As with every dance performance, I decide that if I'm going to do this, I'm gonna do it right. Translation: Time for YOUTube! Over the weekend, Kat and I huddle around her laptop monitor and watch several videos featuring male bellydancers, so I can watch their movements and pick up some tips. Monkey See/Monkey Do, if you will. ;-)

Comforted by the idea that bellydancing won't be completely emasculating, I saunter into the dance studio, ready to shake my money maker. My female counterparts, on the other hand, aren't nearly as eager. Every week, Kat encourages the dancers to actually bare their stomachs while practicing the routine... I know, THE NERVE of some people! *gasp* Without a second thought, I embrace her suggestion and toss my shirt on the ground, where it would stay until Show Day. That's right, I'm practicing and performing TOPLESS. Skin to the Wind, as I always say!

Week after week, more and more girls follow Kat's and my lead, letting loose, rolling up their shirts, letting it ALL hang out. It's a beautiful thing. But seriously, I've been dancing/performing for quite some time and if there's one thing I've learned it's this: You do it in a rehearsal the same way you'll do it in a performance. Honestly, dancing around shirtless in a COLD room full of women made me uncomfortable... and that's WITHOUT an audience! Whenever I take the stage, I always have that wonderful feeling of nausea, and that's because when you're performing, you make yourself vulnerable and it feels like everyone's watching you and judging you... BECAUSE THEY ARE!


After a few classes, I'm becoming more and more comfortable with being the only guy around. It turns out, being pursued like the star of an AXE commercial ain't half bad! It's kinda funny.

One Friday evening, the Renny Train (Renny, Morgan, Adam, Shane, Angie) pulls into ALLiES House unexpectedly. Angie also happens to be in the class, so we strike up a conversation in the common room. Eventually, we wander over to my bedroom, where we perform the entire bellydancing routine with the guys swarming around us... But at times I have to wonder, which one of us are they watching? ~_@

After roughly 8 weeks of rehearsal, the moment of truth has finally arrived. Waiting in the wings of the ballroom stage, FREEZING OUR ASSES OFF (bare foot/bare midriff), we pump each other up. We're all exposed and For better or worse, we're all in this together. So let's NAIL THIS SHIT!


And that's what we did. For the most part, everybody hits the choreography and the group's fairly in unison. After months of wearing down their resolve, all but one of us (*cough-cough* Sara) decides to bare her stomach. Our dance number ends to thunderous applause and plenty of FaceBook praise. No fruit was hurled at us, so all in all, it couldn't have been too bad.

Click HERE to watch the performance on FaceBook!

Mi Casa es Su Casa (Season 9 Premiere) (Previously UnAired)

Date of Production: 12.10.2008
Theme Song: "Testify" - Rage Against The Machine

It wasn't a new idea. On the contrary, back when Jai and I were freshmen, she proposed the idea at one of our weekly ALLiES meetings... where it was immediately SHOT DOWN. Certain influential members felt that it was too dangerous. Needless to say, two years later, when Freshman Kyle puts the idea of an ALLiES Theme House back on the table, Jai pounces on the subject like a bloodthirsty puma! Fueled by passion, Jai singlehandedly churns out an extensive written proposal for ResLife that same day. The only thing we're missing now: STUDENTS WILLING TO LIVE THERE!

In the dead of night, Jai scurries back and forth between Japan House and Lahm Hall, signing up GROUPS (loose cliques, you might say) of people. Thanks to several girls with that popular stipulation, "I'll join the house if so-and-so does," we have a full house roster (14) in under an hour.

A week later, we all congregate in the Union Building for our house interview, during which Jai does all the talking while the rest of smile and nod. Luckily, Lynn and Kelly, two of our allies, are on the Approval Board and within days, we hear the good news: WE GOT THE HOUSE!

But of course, nothing in life is THAT easy! Midway through the summer, we all get a somber email from Jai, informing us that we've already lost a house member. It's along the lines of "Krissy will still be on-campus; however, she's decided to spend the year with her sorority sisters."

I can just imagine the look on Jai's face when she heard that news: "Motha-fucka!" In fact, for the first few months after Move-In Day, I can't even mention Krissy around Jai without her seething with anger... not because she bailed on us (that's totally forgivable), but because in spite of her summer complaints about a certain housemate, Krissy visits the house SOOO frequently that she might as well live here.

And I cannot even wrap my head around the whole situation. That's because, to me (and several other ALLiES members), this theme house isn't just a place to live but a 24-hour ALLiES Headquarters, complete with a fabulous WAR Room.


I put my name on the house roster that night without giving it a second thought. I didn't know who else was living there or whether I'd have a roommate. It wasn't out of desperation to put a roof over my head next semester... I'm fulfilling my obligation to fight the neverending battle for equality and queer visibility on the Gettysburg College campus. On a side note, I'm also excited 'cause my boyfriend shares my political views and will also be living there... but as you know, that excitement wore off very quickly.

MEET THE
ALLiES HOUSE MEMBERS

ROOM 12

Even though it's been a dream of mine since my first day of college, by joining ALLiES House, I've screwed myself out of a single room. That's right: once again, I'll have to grin and bear it, and live with a roommate. Fortunately, I am randomly placed with Travis, a longtime ALLiES member and the very first person I met at college. Don't get me wrong, being a senior does have its privileges: I get to hand-pick my room, the biggest one with ABSURDLY tall ceilings, just how I like it!

What's great about Travis is that he keeps to himself, doesn't intentionally hurt others, and he isn't grossed out by all my gay dating/sex talk. :D I, on the other hand, am quite a handful to live with, mostly because I'm OCD and demand that the center strip of the room remain immaculate at all times. ...But in my defense, I clean the bathroom better than the janitor and I often bake cookies for the whole household for absolutely no reason.

ACTUAL ALLiES

There's Jai, our fearless leader, house founder, and self-proclaimed "Gay Den Mother." She's been an ALLiES officer since our Freshman year, and I owe her a debt of gratitude for initiating me into the club and thereby introducing me to Gettysburg's formerly underground GLBTQ community. Next is Melissa, our new Madam President, quite a feat considering that she ran her presidential campaign from Germany. Rounding out the ALLiES members are: Kyle L (GAIA Pagan Society & The Forum), Kyle S (The Gettysburgian, College Dems), and Renny (Rebecca's BF, our big straight Ally).

TEAM DRINKS-A-LOT

As the saying goes, if you wanna increase your alcohol tolerance, then go live in ALLiES House! Seriously, without these guys, the House just wouldn't be the same. Many a night the entire house would squeeze our way into the Common Room and share our love of alcohol, with Jimmy and Shaffy at the helm. I've known them both since they were freshmen, as we were all in the Marching Band together.

THE WiLDCARDS

Alex, an avid gamer and the one responsible for getting the entire house HOOKED on Rock Band, was Kyle's first college roommate, but to me, he's still an enigma. At the very first house meeting, I complain about our Lahm neighbors leaving their laundry in the dryers for 5+ hours unattended and with a straight face Alex responds, "Next time, just take a crap on their clothes. That'll show those jerks." Um, Thanks... I'll do that. *shoots Jai a look* Where did you find this guy?


Next up is Chasse, Jai's co-hort, Dr. Udden's go-to Film Studies T.A., and a member of both gBurg TV and the Gettysburgian. Out of nowhere, he's appeared this year and is now a very active ALLiES member. Really, how have I never met these people?!


Although technically I've "known" Lyndsey through the Marching Band for two years, until now I'd never had a one-on-one conversation with her, mostly because she's from the South and thus, I just assumed I wasn't on her Favorite Persons List. But much to my surprise, during a latenight heart-to-heart, she told me about how one of her best guy friends felt that he had to leave Alabama because he couldn't openly express his sexuality. That little tidbit shined a bright light on why she agreed to join ALLiES House. During that same session, Margaret, the quintessential Republican roommate with liberal leanings, revealed that her aunt recently married her longtime companion in California after 20 years of commitment. It's fascinating to see how EVERYONE, gay and straight, has some connection to the GLBTQ community...to me, at least. ;-)


Since this is our first year and we're still getting people in the tent, most of our events are borrowed from ALLiES and with the exception of sidewalk chalking (DAMN YOU, SNOW!) and the controversial and confusing Coming Out Party, they aren't explicitly about educating people about the Gay Rights Movement (Open House, Rainbow Sherbet Social, Rainbow Sock TyeDyeing). As with all things, it will take some time, but I hope the House stays around for years to come and evolves into the epicenter of the gay community, a place where students can find much-needed support.

It's Go-Go, NOT Cry-Cry! (Season 8 Finale)

Original Air Date: 01.23.2009
Theme Song: "Two Against The World" - Rose McGowan (from Planet Terror)

DISCLAIMER: It's been a few months since I've actually blogged about my personal life, and lately, I've just been filling out some bullshit surveys to pass the time. *sigh* What can I say? SO MUCH shit has happened in a very SHORT amount of time, and I just got overwhelmed. As a result, I stopped doing a lot of things I love, specifically writing. The #1 reason why I took a hiatus was because I started attributing all my life's problems to the fact that I've made too many "private things" public domain. BUT... I was talking to my NHS peeps yesterday, and I realized that they actually relied on my journal for life updates. *big breath* SO... that said, we now return to our scheduled program.

Previously on Chaos Under The Big Top: The College Years... Along with a group of fellow Film students, James attended the Manhattan Short Film Festival... YAY! in York, Pennsylvania... BOO! Nevertheless, it was a fantastic time.

LET'S MAKE A MOVIE!
Logically, since Gettysburg College is NOT a film school, VERY few of our Film Studies courses are hands-on... There's a grand total of two: Video Production and Intro to Animation (no longer offered). So, for the very first time, I've actually gotten into the Production class and have the chance to put theory into practice. BRiNG iT!

For our 10-minute individual projects, Prof. Udden says they must fall under at least one of three categories:

(1) (Non)Fictional Narrative
(2) Documentary
(3) Experimental

Immediately, I'm debating fiercely with TWO possibilities: a dance documentary or an elaborate adaption of one of my short stories. If I try to turn my story, The Object of My Obsession: A Tale of Unrequited Love & Bloody Vengeance!, into a short movie, I'm gonna need at least 4 actors to play the leads, two stunt drivers, a chroma-key ROOM, and a trampoline. A documentary, on the other hand, just requires me to pick the right person and showcase their talent while revealing all the time, effort, and thought that went into his/her dance routine. DOCUMENTARY, it is!

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP
Deciding on the star of this video isn't a long, drawn-out process; the decision is pretty clear right away. The FINAL FOUR (in no particular order) is down to: 1) Ambika, 2) Robby, 3) Jen, 4) Sara. If I get Ambika, there's a good chance she'll only be doing one dance, and given her crazy academic schedule, she might have to pull out at the last minute. If I get Robby, I'd have a male dancer BUT he sticks to Couples dancing (usually w/ Jen), so if I chose him, I'd feel compelled to follow her too. If I get Sara, I'm sure she'd do a great job because she's a wonderful technical dancer.

And then IT HITS ME! If I can get Jen, chances are, she'll be in a large variety of dances (Salsa, Tango, Ballet, Tap, Jazz, whatever), half of which she probably choreographed, AND I already know that she can ROCK a solo. In fact, my first impression of her was "WOW, watch that girl go!!" during her debut Ballet solo, back in '06. And so, less than 60 seconds later, I know that she's definitely the one... hopefully, she's not too busy to be filmed. Well, even though Jen is the "Hardest Working Woman in Showbiz," she agrees to let me videotape "anything I need." VERY cooperative. :D



EPIPHANY
When Jen and I finally find a day and a time when we're both free (Thursday @ 11:30AM *cringe*), I interview her and ask her about the choreographing process. Surprise of surprises, the show's coming up in 4 weeks, yet the routine needs about 60% more choreography. Her performance's coming along very well, but this development has me thinking, "I have a routine that's about 90% done. Is it not too late for me to do a solo too?" In a sense, it's an "If she can do it, I can do it" kinda challenge.

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS
About a week later, I receive a mass email from Sara, asking if anyone else would like to do a solo, duet, or small group number. Without even thinking, a minute after receiving it, I respond with an enthusiastic "YES!!" And then, ten minutes later, I'm thinking, "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO?! Please, Sara, tell me it's too late to sign up!" XD Sara emails back that I can and she's excited to see what I'll come up with. Thanks... so am I...



GET INTO THE GROOVE
And just like that I start going through the same process as Jen. Double-Time. Preparing for battle, I crank up my favorite tunes and just start going wild in my bedroom, trying to piece together a routine I dreamt up (but never performed) earlier this year. While I'm in there jumping, spinning, tumbling my way into "The Zone," I fantasize about the good ol' days when I was BEST KNOWN for my legendary dance solos. They were always my forte, and not until college had I ever tried couple or ensemble dances. Part of me really just wants to forget what I've become, for 2 seconds, and get my old life back, before I ventured to the Land That Time Forgot.

BACK TO BASICS
When I first came to Gettysburg, my only outlet for dancing was going to the Attic practically every weekend and just dancin' the stress away. Back in high school, Dance Ensemble was ONLY open to the girls; plus, I had no desire to join them. Not until Spring Semester of my freshman year was I approached (by Sara aka Girl Wonder) to take Tango class with her. That's how it started. Then, we rocked out to Meg's StreetFighting Dance, set to Prodigy, prompting Kyle to ask me to try out for the BOMB Squad: I did and made it.


Cut to NOW: I hardly ever go OUT dancing because I spend 5 days a week preparing for performances. For me, dancing used to be a treasured stress release, but now, it's become a part of my stressful daily routine. I'm just lying on my bedroom floor, watching childhood favorites like Breakin', Flashdance, and Dirty Dancing on an endless loop, trying to re-discover that extreme joy and pleasure I used to take from dance. If I don't get that FIRE back, then this solo's gonna be a waste; if even I'm not excited about it, then who the hell else is gonna be?

I'M GETTIN' TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT, BRIGGS
At the first and only Technical Rehearsal, I have my camera and I'm ready to shoot Jen, but FIRST, I have to use my 5-minute slot to practice my routine on the main stage. And as I timidly make my way onto the HUGE stage, I learn a harsh lesson: I am NOT as young & nimble as I used to be. The saddest thing is that, as soon as I start the routine, the whole room stops and stares at me in anticipation (WHY must they always stare?), and I don't even have the energy to finish the 4 1/2 minute routine. I realize: if I try to dance to this NON-STOP TECHNO mix, I'm seriously gonna die (well, pass out) before the song's over.

First decision: I'm cutting that damn music again! I took 12 minutes of music and amazingly, made it 4 and a half minutes, and NOW, I'm gonna have to trim it down to THREE! Second decision: Some of these moves have gotta go! Seriously, ten seconds into the second song clip, I originally planned 8 consecutive knee-to-chest jumps AND... that ain't gon' happen. If it were at the beginning of the song, I could, but I won't have the energy for that intensity. This bums me out a little, but this dance is VERY trick-heavy, so the audience will have plenty of thrills.

One of my biggest realizations is that there's an EXTREME difference between performing a routine in your bedroom versus performing it onstage. I LOVE to use the entire stage, but I forgot that THAT's like 20 feet! And it takes some serious stamina to dance from one side of the stage to the other, especially if you're doing it in a matter of seconds.

And I have a lot riding on the very FIRST MOVE: a front handspring off a chair. Yeah. It's extremely easy to flip off my wooden office chair, but when I arrive in the ballroom, my choices are limited to flimsy blue folding chairs and heavy-ass lounge chairs. When the music starts, I'll be pushing the chair into position while stepping in time, possibly pumping my arms as well. Well... I decide to stick with the lightweight folding chair, and let me tell you, it collapsed THREE TIMES, and one of the times I seriously had to do a fuckin' Fame leap to avoid breaking my neck!

All these technical problems worry me because there's a lot riding on this performance. For me, it feels like a "comeback performance," because 1) I haven't performed a solo in college and 2) my life, as of late, has been in shambles. And I'm terrified that I'm gonna fail and let myself down. Using a Britney analogy, although I WANT this to be an Oops!...I did It Again moment (A JAW-DROPPING, PICTURE PERFECT performance), it could easily turn into a Gimme More (total crash and burn, painful to watch).

GET WITH THE PROGRAM
Doomsday approaches, and it's time to step up. I'm NUMBER 2 in the Show Order, right after the Executive Board Dance, which is typically the "silly number." This is good, since they'll be joking around and having fun, so they won't be upstaging me... but this is HORRIBLE, because now I have to "warm up" the crowd and set the tone. *sigh* Not a fun job.



WHEN I PUT ON A SHOW
After returning home from the Saddest Place On Earth, the Washington D.C. Holocaust Museum (with my Women & Nazism class), I try to get pumped up for my debut. As I'm waiting in the wings, watching the Exec officers groovin' to the Cardigans' "LoveFool," I get that wonderful feeling of nausea that I always get before a performance. In my head, I picture crazy-ass Cynthia Rhodes prowling around the stage in Flashdance (1-2-3-4, "I'm goin' on a MANNHunt!"), and I try to get in the mood.

When the time finally comes, I do my routine, forget a couple moves but cover up nicely, fall over at least two times but my falls are more like somersaults so it looks planned... I hope. More than anything, I just want to make it to end of the song without having a "bad Flashdance moment." I don't wanna dramatically fall over and stay down. "GET UP, JEANNIE!!" Only to hit rock bottom, start dancing nekked at the Flying Bull Saloon and die in the gutter of embarrassment the next day (Note: This really happened to a girl... well, in Flashdance).

I get through the performance unscathed to a lot of applause and even some WOOs. I do love the WOOs. =D But I need to watch tonight's video and fix my mistakes for Sunday.

LAST DANCE, LAST CHANCE
As is the case with Friday night's performance, on Sunday afternoon, my biggest gripe is that I can't even bring myself to look at the audience anymore when I'm dancing. Usually, I LOVE to look straight out there, pick one audience member, and dance just for him/her. But NOW, I'm so scared that I'm gonna look out there, see the WRONG FACE, forget all my choreography, and have an emotional breakdown in front of everyone. On Friday, Danny was there, and on Sunday, it was Kyle, two people who elicit very visceral responses from me (embarrassment, resentment, fury, twisted desire) whenever someone even hints that they might be around. In other words, I get the flopsweats. >.<

BALLS TO THE WALL
On Sunday, it's time to go all out in this bitch! As I'm waiting in the wings, I'm headbangin', trying to really feel the music from the very beginning. Every maneuver I missed before is executed flawlessly, and I finally reach that raw, wild, uninhibited place I used to go when I'd perform. I'm swirling around in a trance, it's as if I'm possessed by the Demons of Dance. I've missed this. There's no better feeling in the world (to me, at least) than crawling across a stage, the floor pulsating with your own energy, basking in the audience's excitement. EXHILARATING!

AFTERGLOW
All in all, I'm very pleased with my performance, and although I always could've cranked it up to 11, it was awesome to perform and I think the crowd was properly WoW-ed. I couldn't do better if I did it all over again, and I don't think anyone else could re-create it if they tried. Though they are more than welcome to try... =D

EXTRA FEATURES from TONIGHT'S EPISODE

DOWNLOAD the Original 4 1/2-Minute Presets Medley!
("My People" / "Are You The One?" / "This Boy's in Love")

WATCH James' Solo Performance on FaceBook!

WATCH Jen Giambrone is... The SHOWSTOPPER! on FaceBook!

For the Love of Film: Manhattan Shorts (8.03)

Original Air Date: 09.30.2008
Theme Song: "I Love New York" - Madonna

Being a Film major and all, when I received an email about attending the Manhattan Short Film Festival with the school picking up the tab, I ultimately jumped at the chance. New York, here I come! Imagine my surprise when after a 40 minute drive, the College van comes to a halt and the driver says, "We're here." *glances around* ...OH No we're NOT! *snap w/ neck-swivel* This shanty-town's just as "historical" and even more rundown than Gettysburg. I look around at the storefronts and realize that we're actually in York(towne), Pennsylvania (since the film festival is global and all).

Upon arrival at the local arthouse theater, I am handed a ballot and a brochure. The brochure provides synopses for the 12 finalists in the Short Film competition and audience members are to cast their ballot for ONE winner. Even though I'm bored stiff as the organist rocks out to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," I make it a point not to even open the brochure, so that I'll go in with a clean slate, with no high expectations for any entry. All in all, there are some good ones, some great ones, and a couple that I can't believe made it as finalists. That said, I have ranked all 12 finalists in the festival:

MY TOP 12 MANHATTAN SHORTS

#12: Ripple

Let me start off by saying that I'm a huge fan of dark comedies (including films like Jawbreaker, Death Becomes Her, and Serial Mom); after horror, it's my favorite genre. However, the macabre humor of Ripple is TOO dark, even for me. This film is about an insecure guy who's having the worst day ever: a woman steals his wallet; he pumps gas without paying; he runs over a dog (at this point, there was no winning me over); he bludgeons a "killer" chicken to death; and he accidentally kills a motorist who turns out to be his future father-in-law. Although it has a rare few moments where I cracked a smile or let out a "church giggle," I definitely wasn't "falling out of my seat" as the brochure later assured me I would.

#11: Rachel

Until the ending twist (that can be seen a MILE away), Rachel plays like an annoyingly sweet home video. It's the story of a teenage girl who decides to give her baby up for adoption... except this time, the girl is a scam artist. While watching the film, I felt like the main actress was heavily influenced by Ellen Page's performance in Juno, and it felt like a low-budget parody, not even MADTv quality. The choice of keeping ambient noise during the silent spots really bugged the hell out of me during this one. Frankly, the entire time I sat through Rachel, I was wishing I were at home, re-watching Juno.

#10: ¡Viva Sunita!

Not too much to say about this one. It's short and sweet... with absolutely no plot! xD It plays on the phenomenon commonly known as The Contagion Theory (I think, if I remember AP Psych correctly), or in other words, when a person sees a crowd of people doing the same thing, they will instinctively join in. One guy stands outside an apartment building, screaming "Sunita!" and pedestrians start joining in for no reason at all. Although it's cute and funny, it's better suited as a Jose Cuervo commercial than a film.

#9: Ode Ober (The Waiter)

WHAT?! This film unashamedly goes for a high brow, artsy look and feel. It follows a waiter who knows what people are going to order because of their mannerisms and how they dress. I think it was trying to be witty, but it failed miserably, and just left the audience flabbergasted. Lots of style, little substance, beautifully shot and edited.

#8: Teat Beat of Sex

By far, director Signe Baumane had the most lasting impression because of her likable, outrageous persona. As expected, her animated Teat beats of sex are hilarious; being a big fan of written memoirs, I thoroughly enjoyed it. She talks about the rites of passage we've all been through: breaking away from our parents, losing our virginity, having "almost sex" in graveyards... Good stuff. However, the animation's of laughably crude quality (reminiscent of Drop Dead Fred) and couldn't compete with the other films visually.

#7: Sour Milk

YAWN. Sour Milk recounts the director's mother's experience as a little Jewish girl hiding out in British occupied-Palestine during WWII. Although the film has high production value, is crisply edited, and has a fabulous design on every front (sets, costumes, props, etc), the story isn't interesting enough to leave a lasting impression. Absolutely gorgeous though.

#6: Change Coming

The actress in this film reminds me of Jennifer Connelly (Labyrinth, A Beautiful Mind). ...Just thought I'd throw that out there. Anyway, I thought this entry did the best job of creating a mood of depression and desperation. It kept me on the edge of my seat, wondering what way it was going: the husband wields a gun for half the film, so I was constantly wondering if he would kill himself, his wife and/or their baby. This was probably THE MOST economical use of the short film format of all 12 entries.

#5: Make My Day

Make My Day's a cute story that shows a pudgy boy and his formerly pudgy father at a hospital after an embarrassing bully incident. The only way the father can reach out to his son is through Clint Eastwood quotes and trivia, living by the motto, "What Would Clint Do?" However, when the father finds himself in the same room as one of his childhood tormentors, he doesn't stand up for himself... leaving his son to do it for him. It uses nice dry humor (not British but Danish), but once again, it felt like it would've made a better Public Service Announcement than a short film.

#4: The Game

The Game uses black-and-white very appropriately, since it stars gameplayers who move pieces across a checkered board. It's a cool concept, and I'm surprised that I figured it out within the first 2 minutes (the opponent's hospital gown was a dead giveaway). The game is actually a metaphor for "The Game of Life," and the loser dies in the real world. Very creative storyline.

#3: Mother, Mine

This one starts out as a sweet, heartwarming drama... in fact, I remember slouching in my seat, waiting in agony for a sickeningly sentimental LifeTime flick. Boy, was I wrong! By far the best TWIST in the bunch, Mother, Mine slowly turns from a drama to a horror film. I literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor after the final scene. I LOVED it!

#2: New Boy

I've gotta say, New Boy was AMAZING. It definitely made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, as opposed to Teat Beats, which made me feel icky-sticky all over. xD Based on a short story, New Boy is a story of an African boy who is transferred to a predominantly white Irish elementary school. Anyone who's ever felt like an outsider in any way can relate. What I like most about this film is how the children don't judge each other by race; they don't like him at first only because he's branded the "new kid." It's genuinely touching when the kids so easily forget this distinction when they're bonded together by laughter and a common enemy (namely, their teacher). For a long time this film was my #1 choice and I held out quite nicely until I saw...

#1: The Golden Thread

The Golden Thread weaves together a duel narrative about a shy cat lady looking for some fun and a mother of two "trapped" in a dead-end marriage. The aforementioned Golden Thread refers to a children's bedtime story that emphasizes the existentialist idea that everything in the universe is connected. Being a firm believer in "the infinite" and the human race's innate connection with nature, I absolutely fell in love with the story and all the lush nature imagery used in the film. Plus, it was the only entry to use 3-D particle effects (for the fairy dust), and that was just awesome!

That's what I think, and in case you were wondering, here's what the overall consensus was among Festival voters:

BEST FILM: New Boy
BEST ANIMATION: Teat Beat of Sex
BEST EDITED SHORT: Ode Ober (The Waiter)