Only As A Last Resort (Mid-Season 7 Finale)

Original Air Date: 08.11.2008
Theme Song: "Ay Mariposa" - Pedro Luis Ferrer


Usually I would take solace in my exorbitant DVD collection, but since there are officially no more good movies worth buying, I've had to turn to an archaic form of entertainment: BOOKS. *vampiric hiss!* I know, I know, it's horrible.

It's not that I don't enjoy reading. It's quite simple: I'm an ENGLISH major, so of course I don't read... not for pleasure anyway. :P At Gettysburg, I've been trained to consistently consume a MINIMUM of four thick novels each week for various courses... and trust me, after doing all that, the last thing I wanna look at is a book.

However, due to this shortage of cool DVDs, I've decided to take this summer and knock some things off my literary To-Do list: 1) Purchase & read the books that have been in my Amazon cart for over 2 years; 2) Actually read ALL the books that are already on my FAVORITE BOOKS list; and 2b) Read those novels based on kick-ass movies, which I automatically assumed would make amazingly avant-garde books--speaking of which, I've gotta borrow Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer from Kyle one of these days. :-)

So, along with Jai, Mel, Dave, Chasse, and Prof. Wedlock (who, FYI, has more books than The Beast!), I've started to share my opinions/reviews via GOODReads.com. And on that note, I've somehow squeezed eleven novels into my busy schedule, and will now rank them:

MY SUMMER COUNTDOWN:
TOP ELEVEN PICKS

#11: Men, Women, and Chainsaws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film by Carol J. Clover

The woman at Borders nearly choked on her gum when I special ordered this one over the phone. As many of my pals know, I've always been a HUGE fan of horror films, and even though they are extremely formulaic and full of predictable elements, that's part of their appeal. Clover's study of horror films is in-depth and complex yet understandable. She explores the iconography of horror films, gender dynamics (the chapter entitled "Her Body, Himself" sums this up perfectly), voyeurism, slasher flicks vs. psychological horror, and the belief that sex = death (see Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th). She has even coined terms that have become part of the Film Studies lexicon, like "urbanoia" (fear of the backwoods and teenage mutant rapists) and "Final Girl" (the chaste survivor in a slasher flick).

(on why Lila in Psycho is NOT a Final Girl): The Final Girl of the slasher film is presented from the outset as the main character. The practiced viewer distinguishes her from her friends minutes into the film. She is the Girl Scout, the bookworm, the mechanic. Unlike her girlfriends (and Marion Crane) she is not sexually active. Laurie (Halloween) is teased because of her fears about dating, and Marti (Hell Night) explains to the boy with whom she finds herself sharing a room that they will be using separate beds.
(Clover 39)

#10: Attack Of The Theater People by Mark Acito

The sequel to How I Paid For College, Marc Acito's Attack Of The Theater People once again follows Edward, a struggling actor who has been kicked out of acting school for being "too jazz hands for Julliard." Set in the days of Fame and Flashdance, this book is wraith with theatre references that my Drama major friends would appreciate a lot more than me. And although the book is funny, it does have moments when I just had to put it down enraged (see below). If you know me, you understand.

(Edward on his homosexuality) What do I think of Hung? He's gayer than a purse full of rainbows. He's gayer than a Liza Minnelli concert on Fire Island. He's gayer than figure skaters eating corn dogs... "He likes you, y'know"... I don't want to have this conversation. It's not like I've got a problem with my sexuality; I just don't want to be defined by a bunch of leather-clad loonies, drag queens, and the Gay Men's Health Crisis. Gore Vidal famously said that homosexual is an adjective, not a noun, but I think of it more as a verb, something you do, not something you are. Unless, of course, you're living during a plague, in which case I'm not homosexualing anything. (Acito 108)

#9: Breaking The Surface by Greg Louganis & Eric Marcus

This one's appropriate with the Summer Olympics going on and all. Without a doubt, U.S. diver Greg Louganis is the best diver the world has ever seen, and as the Olympic correspondents have pointed out, the US diving team has gone from #1 to rock bottom since Louganis' retirement in 1988. However, I must admit, I felt awful reading his autobiography because... I thought he was dead already. What? Why else would they get A.C. Slater to play him in that TV movie? That and Louganis isn't the bravest person in the world; he's one of Dan's personal heroes, and too many similarities shine through for my liking.

(On his abusive relationship): Tom made me call each one of the five men and tell them that I was sorry, that I'd been in a relationship, that I hadn't been honest with them, and that I couldn't see them again. It was humiliating. I'm shy to begin with, so to have to make those calls was terrible for me. But I felt I had no choice...
After I made the phone calls, Tom grew even more enraged. He kept calling me "slut," and "lying whore." I was paralyzed with fear. All I could do was stand there and take it. Then he said, "I'll show you!" and he went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I was terrified.
(Louganis 135)

#8: Anthony Perkins: Split Image by Charles Winecoff

Astonished by his pitch-perfect performance as Norman Bates in Psycho, I've always been fascinated by Anthony Perkins. And only after reading his biography did I realize just how similar the character and the actor really were--everything from his implied homosexuality to his stormy relationship with his father to his oedipal obsession with his distant mother. Written by a researcher for E! True Hollywood Story, Split Image is a meticulous study of Anthony Perkins' troubled life.

(Buddy Clarke on trying to change Perkins' image, 1962): He wouldn't listen to me. He did three pictures in a row--one with Ingrid Bergman, one with Melina Mercouri, one with Sophia Loren, who was younger than Tony but looked older--in each of them he played a weak, almost effeminate kind of man. Not really effeminate, but weak. When we got through with the third picture, I said, "Tony, I'm not your manager, but I'd love to be without fee. What I would do now would be put you in a Western, put you in jeans, have you fuck a young girl, get the shit kicked out of you, kick the shit out of somebody in a fistfight--change your image." He said, "Stick to your press agenting." (Winecoff 216)

#7: The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis

From the man who brought us fucked-up tales like American Psycho and Less Than Zero comes The Rules Of Attraction, a story told by an ensemble of neurotic college students during the decadent 1980s. Two words to describe Ellis' writing style: word vomit. And the film does a great job of capturing this feeling, with characters talking a mile-per-minute while the world around them moves in fast motion. Heads Up: This is NOT a book you should read if you wanna cheer yourself up.

(Nonchalant Paul before his first "date" with Sean): I didn't make it to Casa Miguel on that Saturday night for that first date in early October. I was in my room getting dressed, so unsatisfied with what I was wearing that I had changed four times in the space of thirty minutes... I changed once more, turned off the Smiths tape and was on the verge of leaving when Raymond burst into my room. His face was white and he was panting and he told me, "Harry tried to kill himself." I knew something like this was going to happen. I just had a feeling that there would be some obstacle, major or minor, that was going to prevent this evening from happening... I had never seen Raymond so keyed-up. He looked like he was going to cry and he gave this event (a Freshman suicide? oh, please) a dimension of unwarranted emotion.
(Ellis 64-65)

#6: The Celluloid Closet: Homosexuality in the Movies by Vito Russo

A groundbreaking book for Film Studies and Queer Theory, the Celluloid Closet traces the evolution of movie homosexuals since the Silent Film Era. It focuses on coded meanings, and on the punishment of subversive sexuality in film. My only regret is that the revised edition came out in 1984, only a few years before a tidal wave of iconic gay movies started coming out, such as Just One Of The Guys and Philadelphia.

[Screenwriter Arthur Laurents on my 2nd favorite Hitchcock film, Rope, billed as "The most excitement-filled love story ever told" ...between two homosexuals]: I guess he did, too, but it never came up until we got to casting. We'd wanted Cary Grant for the teacher and Montgomery Clift for one of the boys, and they both turned it down for the same reason--their image. They felt they couldn't risk it. Eventually John Dall and Farley Granger played the boys, and they were very aware of what they were doing. Jimmy Stewart, however, who played the teacher, wasn't at all. And if you asked Hitchcock, he'd tell you it isn't there, knowing perfectly well that it is. He was interested in perverse sexuality of any kind, and he used it for dramatic tension. But being a strong Catholic, he probably thought it was wrong. The homosexuality between the two men, after all, in Strangers on a Train, isn't in the script, yet it's there. Farley Granger told me once that it was Robert Walker's idea to play Bruno Anthony as a homosexual.
(Russo 94)

#5: Hollywood Babylon by Kenneth Anger

Originally published in France in 1959, then released in America in the 70s, child actor Kenneth Anger's infamous book, Hollywood Babylon uncovers the dark side of Hollywoodland. Who would've guessed that practically every actor in the 1920s was high on coke, heroin, or morphine?! It also delves into the well-known homosexual actors in Hollywood that hid their true selves from the fans. James Dean-esque prettyboy/heartthrob, Rudy Valentino, for example, was attacked for being a bad role model to American boys after a public men's room installed a powder puff machine next to the sink. If you're into film history, or if you're obsessed with the 1920s, then you will be spellbound by this 400+ page collection.

(On silent film actor Lou Tellegen's death): Lou Tellegen's suicide in 1935 was not unique: his hideous hara-kiri with a pair of gold scissors imitated that of Max Linder, ten years earlier. Those scissors, engraved with Tellegen's name, had been busy cutting out press items covering his screen career as Geraldine Farrar's leading man and their well-publicized romance and marriage. Completely forgotten by 1935, Lou surrounded himself with the fat scrapbooks of yellowing newspaper clippings of his days of glory, laid out all his most flattering photos, with tattered posters of his triumphs, The Long Trail and The Redeeming Sin. Nude in the center of this mocking circle he squatted Japanese-style and began belaboring the has-been he had become with ferocious scissors stabs to his belly and chest. Lou was found eviscerated, heart laid bare, his pathetic souvenirs drenched in blood.
(Anger 233)

#4: The Kid (What Happened After My Boyfriend And I Decided To Go Get Pregnant) by Dan Savage

The Kid is the true story of a gay couple's quest to adopt a baby. But Dan & Terry aren't the gay couple you expect to adopt a child: Dan's a sex columnist, Terry works in a gay bookstore, they met in the bathroom of a dance club, and have been dating for three months. But they agree on one thing, they want to start a family. Savage's book is not only a hilarious work of satire, it also offers practical advice for anyone who thinks he/she would never be allowed to adopt.

(On Dan & Terry's ideal birth mother): By some miracle, this politically progressive, inconveniently pregnant sixteen-year-old girl contacts our agency. A counselor assembles a "Dear Birthparent..." book for her. Flipping through it, she finds our picture. Three months later, Susan gives birth, and we adopt the baby. "Mom, Dad," Susan says when she gets home from the hospital, "I GAVE IT TO FAGS! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! YOU WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE AN ABORTION, SO I GAVE YOUR GRANDCHILD TO FAGS! FAGS!"
(Savage 90-91)

#3: Before Night Falls by Reinaldo Arenas

Written after his AIDS diagnosis and before his assisted suicide, Before Night Falls is the autobiography of renowned Cuban poet, Reinaldo Arenas. I'm already a huge fan of his philosophy in regards to the intimate link between identity and sexuality, and I love his artistic voice: raw, honest, and uninhibited. Arenas' memoirs reveal his role in the Cuban Revolution of 1959, his stay in one of Castro's gay concentration camps, and how he smuggled his manuscripts out of the jail in a rather talented inmate's ass (played by Johnny Depp in the film adaptation).

(on THE FOUR CATEGORIES OF GAYS): First there was the dog collar gay. This was the boisterous homosexual who was constantly being arrested at the baths or the beach. As I saw it, the system had provided him with a permanent "collar" around his neck... After the collar gay came the common gay. This is the type of homosexual who has made his commitments; who goes to the film club, writes a poem now and then, never takes great risks, and sips tea with his friends... Next after the common gay was the closet gay. He married, had children, and then went to the baths surreptitiously, still wearing the wedding ring his wife had given him. Closet gays were hard to spot; many times they were the ones who censored other gays... Then came the royal gay, a species unique to communist countries. The royal gay is the one who, because of close contact with the Maximum Leader... can afford to be openly gay, to have a scandalous life, and at the same time to hold an important public office.
(Arenas 77-78)

#2: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler

HI-LARIOUS!! If you're a fan of comedienne Chelsea Handler from her stand-up specials, Chelsea Lately, or even, Girls Behaving Badly, then you will LOVE this book. I had fits of laughter reading every single page. Nothing's off limits as Handler talks about her childhood burden of living around rich kids without being one herself, her trip to Costa Rica with her sexually inappropriate father, and her night in prison, shacked up with a woman who bludgeoned her sister to death with a hammer. A very breezy, episodic read. Also check out her first novel: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands.

(On her 1st and last DUI arrest): "Fine," he said, and went to retrieve the invention I now feel immense hatred for--the Breathalyzer is second only to the answering machine, which has led to three separate breakups. It turned out that I was, in fact, intoxicated. I blew a 2.4, which far exceeds the legal limit of 0.8.
Once handcuffed in the squad car next to Lydia, my blood really began to boil. "So this is how it's gonna go down, huh? You can't just turn around, drive the fifty yards back to my house, and drop us off? NO! Of course not, because I fought the law and the law won!" After a pause I murmured "racist" under my breath, loud enough for them both to hear. The cop in the passenger seat turned around with a confused look on his face. "We're all white."
"Whatever," I said. "Well... still" was Lydia's comeback. "I'm Jewish," I told them. No response. "Did you hear me?" I said. "This is racial profiling, and I won't be a party to it. Let me out!" "Anti-Samoans!" Lydia yelled.
(Handler 44-45)

#1: When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris

What can I say? I've got a soft spot for non-fiction essay books, and David Sedaris' latest effort kept me laughing from start to finish. In the book, Sedaris recounts his childhood, his love of spiders, his annoyingly perfect boyfriend, Hugh, who keeps him in line, and most importantly, how he finally quit smoking... in JAPAN, of all places!

(on straight people's fascination with gay sex): It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex--trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can't imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed with the idea of roles, both in bed and out of it. Who calls whom a bitch? Who cries harder when the cat dies? Which one spends the most time in the bathroom? I guess they think that it's that cut-and-dried, though of course it's not. Hugh might do the cooking, and actually wear an apron while he's at it, but he also chops the firewood, repairs the hot-water heater, and could tear my arm off with no more effort than it takes to uproot a dandelion. Does that make him the murderer, or do the homemade curtains reduce him to the level of the child molester?
(Sedaris 164)