Theme Song: "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" - N-Trance
Domo, Domo! God, I've always loved that song. :-D But on to more important matters, tonight I'd like to take the time and talk about an issue that I've struggled with my entire life, my body weight (or lack thereof).SURPRISINGLY. Few of my friends actually know that I have a history of what may be called "body dysmorphia," a fancy term for a distorted body image. Contrary to popular belief, I was not always this way. The first five years of my life, I was "fat and happy," and my family NEVER let me forget it. My first memories are limited to how my older sister couldn't pick Baby James up without falling backwards, how he had to eat TWO of everything, how he'd be dead before he hit age 12.
LOGICALLY. When you grow up hearing THAT every day on an endless loop--even when you know they don't mean to hurt you--eventually, you have to respond. Knowing I was different from my siblings, at age 6 I started exercising with my older brother and lo and behold, I lost 12 pounds in a week. I'd go on to become an athletic child, going on to the compete in the 1994 Maryland Track & Field state championships, become a medium-vegetarian at age 8 (inspired by a Heart Disease commercial), win the Best Athlete plaque from High Point Elementary, and follow my passion by taking gymnastic lessons (to polish my self-taught moves) for 8 months. I've been on "the thin side" ever since.
CONSTANTLY. I hear it from my family, from my friends--HELL, I even get it from complete strangers. And although it's all done in jest, it kills me to hear people call me names based on something that's too late for me to change--stick figure, bean pole, Jack Frost... even though I do love Jack Frost. Sexy M.F. ;-D But seriously, the fact that it comes from someone I care about doesn't take the sting out of it.
PRACTICALLY. All my life, when people would show concern about my weight and demand that I gain 50 pounds, I'd just laugh it off and tell them how much I do want to gain weight. But the thing is, it's not true. I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally realized: I don't want to gain weight. Frankly, the thought absolutely terrorizes me! At the first sign of my stomach going past my pecs, I instinctively panic and do a hundred sit-ups.
HONESTLY. I LOVE my body. I like knowing where everything is and being able to locate it in under a second. I enjoy dancing naked in front of a full-length mirror, no manboobs hitting my chin, no chunks of fat flapping in the wind. I love the fact that I look thinner than ever (most people guess 90lbs) when I actually have maintained my healthy high school weight of 121. Call it stupidity, call it stubbornness, call it what you will. Hell, I know I'm not a perfect 10, and there are a few things I'd like to change about my appearance, but the fact of the matter is, I like who I am, and no matter what anyone says, I will change when AND IF I decide to do so. Peace Out!
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