Theme Song: "I Think I'm Paranoid" - Garbage
It started innocently enough. Upon returning from Winter Break a few weeks ago, I ran into Kat @ the post office. Kat tells me that she's recovering from one bitch of a stomach virus. A week goes by and I hear that almost a dozen students have been rushed to the Emergency Room with a stomach virus. On my birthday, I run into Katy and Emily, who inform me that the virus is spread through human contact--it's not airborne. *big sigh of relief* Little did I know that this was just the calm before the storm...
After students literally start dropping like fruit flies, the Administration finally sees a pattern and does something about it. I get emails, a flier in my mailbox, and a poster next to my door all with the same headline: "OUTBREAK!!!" Say what?! The word conjures up images of the diseased monkey that runs amuck in that science fiction movie of the same name. Within 2 weeks, the virus has decimated the first year class--not surprising, since they live in summer camp-esque proximity and they have to regularly eat at the dining hall. *dry heaves* Another reason not to hang out with freshmen: it's hazardous to your health! ;-)
Frankly, there's never been a better time to be an antisocial, neat freak! Finally, an excuse to routinely wipe down every door handle in my room. My upholstery cleaner and leather biker gloves aren't so stupid now, now are they, Sara? :-D But seriously, just when I thought I was the most paranoid, OCD freak out there trying to avoid the virus, along comes Professor Goldberg... aka Lenny G or as Sara would say, "the guy who looks like he wears rouge." Anywho, the day after it's considered an OUTBREAK, I sit in my regular spot, and 15 minutes later, Lenny G says, "James, I just remembered. One of my students who was absent with the stomach virus was sitting right where you're sitting." What did you say? WHAT did you say? WHAT DID YOU SAY?!! "So, if I were you, I'd move. Haha." Yeah... there's nothing funnier than a viral outbreak, Professor. But honestly, does he believe that someone else's two-day-old ass heat from the chair is gonna latch onto my clothing and contaminate me? ...Let's not risk it.
A week later, and Lenny G. has gone off the deep end to a whole new level of hysteria. I walk into class and two of the girls are screaming with their hands in the air, running towards me. As I take my seat, he continues talking to everyone about how his wife has said that senior citizens are dying from this same virus on cruise ships. Hmmm... you're sure they died of the virus and not, I don't know, oldness? Another girl walks into class and before she sits down, he SCREAMS, "DON'T SIT THERE! Someone in a morning class vomited there! Change seats! WASH YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW!!" Dude... chill. To make a long story short, the entire right side of the classroom was evacuated that day. And the sad thing is... I'm not embellishing this one bit!
The next day I receive an email from Sara saying that she has something... not the stomach virus but some permutation of it. OHH NOO! But on the other hand, good thing we haven't been joined at the hip lately. She asks if I'll accompany her at the health center tomorrow center to calm her nerves, and without hesitation, I agree... even if it does mean getting up 2 hours earlier than I usually do on Fridays. The next day, we go, a nurse extracts her blood, she gets a Monsters Inc. band-aid, and she's put on Vitamin B pills (which she accidentally thought were chewable like her Flintstones vitamins... that's our Sara, LOL!). To sum up, she's all good, since I already avoid first-years like the plague anyway, I'm sure I'll continue to be as well.
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