Don't You Live Here?! (5.08)

Original Air Date: 09.28.2007
Theme Song: "I Can See Clearly Now" - Johnny Nash

For our most recent Civil War in the American Imagination class, Prof. Duquette (my favorite professor this semester) has asked that we do the following: Wander around the battlefields, pick an interesting state/regiment monument and write a short (3-4) paper on how it inspires a certain memory of the war. Simple enough, right?

WRONG!! I was under the impression that we lived on one giant battlefield here, so I ask, "Where the hell is the battleground with state monuments?" I know, I've lived here for the better part of 2 years, I should know this crap. And YET I'm a TOTAL tourist: Don't ask me for directions around town; the only streets I know are Washington, Waters, Stevens, Carlisle, and York; there's always that 50/50 chance I'm wrong. That reminds me of a story (What else is new?): this random girl asked me where S...burgh Street was and I pointed her to the well-lit part of town; then, she asked the couple behind me and they pointed in the exact opposite way. Awkward...


But I digress. After class, the professor tries her best to clear up my confusion only to succeed in doing the opposite. She snatches a piece of chalk and draws me a fuckin' treasure map on the board, reminiscent of those crazy coloring book mazes--complete with curvaceous streets, train tracks, messy handwriting, and an arrow that reads "YOU ARE HERE." Since I'll be staying up all night tonight anyway, I figure I'll just head out in that general direction so I can experience the battleground at dawn.

Thank God I found good judgment at the last moment and decided to get a second opinion before heading out into the foggy abyss that is Gettysburg at Dawn. At Marching Band practice, I start approaching some peeps for directions. The first one I ask is Matt, and UNFORTUNATELY, when I ask him, "Where are the battlegrounds?" he responds EXACTLY as I would: he just laughs and points all around us. Sorry, I am in no mood for my own sarcasm here, buddy!

Shaffy mentions that she's actually been there before... BUT she can't remember where it was. She recommends Al, the history major, for directions... BUT Al reeeeeally keeps urging me to just write about the Battery-K monument. Hello, Battery K's right across the street from my room; I've ridden the Battery-K; Battery-K and I are old friends, don't ya know? I need a state monument that's interesting enough for a 3-4 page paper. And that ain't it.


Three days later, after having no luck finding some good walking directions to specific battlegrounds on the internet, I get desperate. I go up to CJ, just 'cause it's no secret that he's completely "Gung Ho for Gettysburg," and he spouts off ideas of the State Park and the interweb, and it just brings back Vietnam flashbacks of my unsuccessful weekend hours spent on Yahoo and Google. KT turns to me, most likely after hearing my brain turn to mush, and offers to give me a personal tour of the battlefield tomorrow afternoon. YEEEESSSSS!!!



KT, You're a LifeSaver, You're a saint, You're Elvis...
The next day KT escorts me to a very familiar location: the intramural fields. I must've been here at least 20 times in the past 2 years. I turn to KT and she says, "You see those stone things all around us. Those are monuments."


Say WHAT?! *gasp* I open my eyes and realize that this whole time, the monuments were right in front of my face AND that I was totally photographing the sports teams in a graveyard, and in a short amount of time I find the perfect monument on New York's 45th volunteer German infantry.