Theme Song: "Shut Up and Drive" - Rihanna
I can't explain it, I just feel this sudden urge... for lack of better words, I finally feel the NEED for SPEED. VROOOM-VROOOM!! That's right, after 5 wonderful years of total disinterest, I've decided that it's time I got back behind the wheel of a car... Too bad I'm 20 years old and have to start from scratch. Boo.
I thumb through YellowPages.com for driving schools and of course, only ONE of them is offering summer classes: ABC Driving School on Mountain Road. Once I've made the call and enrolled, first thing Monday morning I'm on my way out the door, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, bracing myself for an unwanted reunion... highly possible in such a small town. After taking the oh-so-familiar middle school route, I finally arrive @ ABC. As I make my way to the front of the classroom, I check the class roster for names I might recognize. "Please say No, Please say NO..." YES, but just their younger brothers and sisters!! SwEEt.
And that's when I saw him: BJ, my instructor. 5'9", On the edge of 25, Short Brown Hair, Goatee, Bob Marley T-shirt, shorts that actually FIT... that ex-pot smoker look's definitely workin' for him. I'll admit it, I finally understand that Van Halen song. Got it made, Got it made, I'm Hot For Teacher! *bites fist* Of course, under these new circumstances, I plop myself down in the front row, hang on his every word, and raise my hand so much, you'd think we got a Participation grade! Over the 14-day run of the course, BJ and I have some pretty good one-on-one lunch-break discussions and it's really cool that he trusts me. However, after thorough analysis of body type, voice inflection, and even a story about his ambiguous encounter with a flirtatious drag queen, I still don't fully have him pegged. Don't worry, better than anybody, I realize it's just a frivolous hometown crush with no future... but it's fun to think about. ;-D
Anyway, back to the Driver's Education. All I've gotta say, why did the director of every fuckin' driving video decide to cast the most UNATTRACTIVE people possible? Sorry, it makes me cringe just to look at the screen. And it's even worse when you add the "educational music," especially when a pimply blond guy's laying down hardcore rhymes like "NO ZONES / Stay out of the No Zones / Left side, Right side, Front and Back." But more importantly, do they ever UPDATE them? Really, should I feel confident watching a video hosted by incoming President Bill Clinton with interviews from hot celebrities like MC Hammer (pictured left), Craig T. Nelson, and the annoying redhead from Designing Women? HOWEVER, I LOVE the video where the girl's talking on her cell phone and runs over a construction worker... in SLOW MOTION (the best part). Then, the video shows what would've happened had she not been chattin' away; apparently, she would've SMILED (with teeth), waved at him, and drove around the construction zone. M'hmmm. If I were the director, in this alternate reality, she would SMILED, waved at him, and then SPED UP with perverse glee!! :-D Oh, didn't you know? You Can't Cheat Death, bi-otch!
As expected, driving school feels a lot like high school. It's hilarious to look at those teenagers, like a mirror back in time. However, that said, if THEY'RE the typical youth of America... uh, we're fuckin' screwed. Just sayin'... WAAAYYY too much first-hand knowledge of every drug on the planet, even the good prescription stuff! *gasp* One class, we actually had the opportunity to wear a pair of "beer goggles" (simulation of drunk person's vision) and walk a straight line; I may have been walkin' like Cesare, but I was one of only 2 people who could do it. And after hearing BJ's story about a friend who took PCP and scratched an eyeball itch with a sterling silver fork, we all have to go around and share our own automobile-related stories. Naturally, since it's the most recent, I briefly told Bronwyn's story of getting hit by a reckless drunk driver in the middle of the night. What? Maybe I embellished a little... oh yeah, on a totally unrelated note, Bronwyn, if anyone from Pasadena asks, your leg was removed and replaced with an AK-47 before you were recruited by the Secret Service. Just go with it. *wink*
And now the moment you've all been waiting for, my final exam. I was the first person to finish the 50-question test and... I GOT A PERFECT SCORE, OWW-OWW!! :-D The proud smile on my instructor's face makes the pseudo-high school experience all worth while. After that, it's on to the DMV, *insert DMV-induced sigh here* and after waiting in line for over 3 hours, I'm turned away b/c I'm over 18 and therefore, need to provide FOUR items that prove I'm a Maryland citizen. They give me a list of acceptable proofs, and let me tell ya, it's easier for an ex-convict ("parole statement"/"court date letter") to obtain his license than me! Thank you very much, Patriot Act! :P Finally, I get 2 pieces of mail with a MD address, my military ID, health insurance card, and social security card, and the manager tells me that they were wrong to turn me away before b/c my mom IS allowed to just sign for me. RRRrrrr. Five hours later, I've passed the test and obtained my learner's permit. I'm sure this'll be the photo used if I ever appear on America's Most Wanted.
Have you seen this man? If you have, Call the Crime Hotline.
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