Theme Song: "Yes I Am" - Melissa Etheridge
Tonight on a very special episode of Chaos Under The Big Top: The College Years... In honor of National Coming Out Day (October 11), I've decided to divulge the details of my recent "coming out" story.
The day: Tuesday, June 19th, 2007. Little did I know when I woke up this morning, I'd finally be coming out as a gay man to my family. In theory, this shouldn't be so difficult. I know that THEY know that I know... I know, I should've done it years ago, instead of just dropping hints here and there, hoping one of them would bring it up.
To put things in perspective, I'll give you a brief, blunt timeline: I lost my virginity the summer after middle school to a guy I loved and STILL DO (but in a mature friendly way); freshman year, I don't have any classes with my "first," so he and I both keep quiet; junior year, I drop the "straight act" after a series of flings and fast relationships; senior year, at my 6th Halloween party, I formally come out to 2 of my best friends, Nelly and Alexis (and Allie if she were there), by making a presentation while the "tuxedo scene" from Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss plays on the TV behind me; later that year, I appear as a gay stripper-turned-secret agent in a one-act play I wrote & directed; a couple months into my fall semester @ Gettysburg, Jai drags me to an ALLiES (Gay-Straight Alliance) meeting, and I've been fighting the good fight for equal rights ever since.
But back to the story. While doing some secretarial work on the desktop computer in the basement, my father strolls down the stairs and walks over to me looking dumb-founded, as if he has another technical question. Instead, he hands me an enclosed (blacked-out cover) magazine, and asks, "What is this?" I look at it and see a big RAINBOW, a gnome, and underneath it says, "Travelocity: Your #1 source for gay hotels." I don't panic. After so many years of denying it, lying to my parents has become second nature to me--it's sad and scary how good I've been at doing so. Maybe now is the time that I just tell my father the truth...
Nah, not yet. I figure I can milk the whole "enlightened liberal democrat" stance for a while longer and attribute this free subscription to INSTINCT magazine (which is just a lifestyle mag, kinda like Us Weekly for gays and lesbians) to my generous donation to the Human Rights Campaign. Besides it's too damn early in the morning (like 10:30) for me to be articulate and deliver a good Coming Out Speech... an afternoon show would be much better. Very Days Of Our Lives. M'hmmm.
You've gotta understand: this is clearly a set-up. My father already KNOWS--Hell, he's the one who has always opened my mail before giving it to me, the one who would tease me about it since I was 7, the one who pulled me off the Gymnastics team after only 8 months (even though I'm confident I DEFINITELY would've made it to the Olympics within 5 years), the one who accused me when I was 13, the one who asked if every guy I brought home in high school was my "boyfriend." Frankly, it's because of his nosiness and forgetfulness that I don't get my friends' XMAS cards 'til April, I don't find out that I was accepted to Drexel University (my 2nd choice) until 4 months into my fall semester at Gettysburg, and I don't find out that I'm being honored at a National Merit Scholar dinner until after the RSVP date. Needless to say, time has made me bitter. He's already seen the aforementioned magazine months ago; really, my mother sent issues to me through campus mail. He knows... he just wants to watch me squirm because he knows I'd never say it out loud. And he's right... I don't want to admit that he was right all along, and that he might know me better than I know myself.
For the rest of the day, I keep replaying the incident over and over in my head, thinking, "Dammit, James! You had the perfect opportunity to finally tell him who you really are and yet you just regressed to the age of 12 and lied about it, as if you're ashamed. Go back out there and tell him." As I pace back and forth around my bedroom, I contemplate the idea of walking up to Dad and finally spitting it out WHEN my silence is suddenly interrupted by a shouting match a few doors down. My father beckons me. "JAAAAAAAAMES!!!!"
I throw back my shoulders, brace myself for the worst, and open the bedroom door. "You rang?" With a big smile on his face, Dad tells me that my older brother, John, has some mail downstairs for me. I immediately ask him what it is, but he tells me to ask John. I go to John; he tells me to ask Dad; Dad tells me he left it on John's bed; John tells me he threw it out. On top of the garbage can I find a verrrry EXPLICIT, hardcore gay porn catalog (from a company I've NEVER heard of) addressed to... my brother. "Huh?"John and I are both called before the judge and my father is screaming at him about the catalog, and John is denying it to the death. Although I would never be stupid enough to have porn sent TO THE HOUSE and since all my porn is imported from Canada or Prague, I decide that now is the perfect dramatic moment to make "the big reveal." After hearing about my political beliefs (pro-gay marriage, adoption, and such), my father bluntly asks, never in a million years expecting me to say Yes, "THEN, YOU ARE A GAY MAN?" And I calmly but clearly respond...
"YES! I am gay. I always have been, I just didn't realize it until puberty. It's not a choice. BELIEVE ME." All I hear from him is, "Oh." A look of disappointment stretches across his face and he just turns away in silence. That's when it finally dawns on me that IT'S OVER. Finally his twisted love of deception and manipulation has backfired against him, and he no longer has that "secret" to dangle over me at will. The "shocked" act is total bullshit. He knew it... and he loved knowing it. And now, he's just like everyone else, with no special power over me.So, now all that's left to do is tell my mom and my sister, although they MUST know already since I connect with them the most, but nevertheless, if anyone deserves to truly know me, it's them. At least now they'll know why I'm secretly so miserable when I'm at home, voluntarily throwing myself into my work 24/7 as a distraction.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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