Theme Song: "Never Again" - Kelly Clarkson
Previously on Chaos Under The Big Top: The College Years... Within hours of Kyle's return to Gettysburg, he and James broke up. After a heated encounter, they grabbed their stashes of alcohol and joined their friends for a late-night housewarming party.
Apple Martini in hand, I saunter into the Common Room and plop down on the couch. I turn to Jai and say those three magic words, "We broke up," to which she responds, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Honey." It's sweet of her to pretend, but for the past 24 hours, it's been pretty obvious that she, Chasse, and Jimmy (the 3rd floor residents) all saw this coming.
After a round of drinks, some new fabulous students arrive, including the "New Gay on Campus," Bryan, the blond, blue-eyed ingenue. Truth be told, he is one of the most attractive openly gay guys to attend Gettysburg in the past 3 years. Way too young looking for my taste, but after getting completely SLOSHED within the hour, I decide to mingle with him. He wants a tour of the house; I volunteer to show him my bedroom; he accepts and we leave.
I stumble across the hall, unlock the bedroom door, and prop it open with a box of TIDE detergent. There's a reason for this, and I tell Bryan straight up: "You'll have to excuse my friends. My boyfriend and I just broke up and they have me on Suicide Watch. I'm pretty sure they think I'm going to rape you. *pause* ...I'm not, by the way." Let's be real, at this point, I couldn't fuck him even if I wanted to. I'm DRUNK, my penis isn't even in the building right now! As expected, Chasse and Jimmy wander into my bedroom periodically to check up on us, and I don't give a shit.
Like a good tour guide, I show him my coffeetable books, my hardcover collection, and my Queer Cinema collection. We briefly discuss our common interests in Vegetarianism, Paganism, and plenty of other -isms I cannot recall. After mentioning that I speak fluent Spanish--little did I know he was GUNG HO for the Spanish--he tries to start a conversation with me. GIRL, I am extremely inebriated, I am in NO MOOD to speak and interpret a foreign language. Of course nothing happens, he's cute and all but I'm honestly more attracted to guys' personalities before I even consider their looks.
Eventually, we make our way back to the Common Room, where the night takes an ugly turn, thanks to three not-so-magical words: TRUTH OR DARE. It's not my favorite game, and not just because 1) I'm dared to give Jai a lapdance, 2) give Jimmy a raspberry (a taste that's STILL in my mouth), and 3) smell Renny's hair. No, it's none of that.
Unable to control myself, every time it's my turn, I choose Kyle, make sure he picks TRUTH, and ask him all the questions he refused to answer earlier that night. Things get a bit too real when I ask him if he has feelings for someone else, "IS IT BILL?!" I'm literally going crazy because he couldn't give me ONE reason for losing all interest in our relationship. But at this point, I know that I can't stay in this room with him any longer without falling apart again, and I'd rather not do that in public. So I bid my friends "Adieu" and retire for the evening.
The next night, I'm lonely, I'm horny, and I'm flipping through my little black book in search of tonight's lucky contestant. Someone to take my mind off this shit, someone to make me feel beautiful again... Unfortunately, that someone is Mark.
Back from a semester abroad in Denmark, Mark invites me back to his bedroom. Upon arrival, he proceeds to... BORE ME TO DEATH!! x_x No, Really, I get there, and he starts showing me HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of pictures he took throughout Europe and China. I prop my eyes open and smile, while all my brain says is, "Postcard, Postcard, Google Images." I'm not interested in random snapshots of scenery and monuments; I like photos with people in them, preferably people I know.
After an hour of slide-show viewing decadence, we make our way to my bachelor pad. We watch the E! Network in silence for a while, until I finally make a move. For the first time in our 3-year dysfunctional friendship / on-again off-again relationship, he hesitates, and simply says, "Can we just watch TV?" WHAT?!! Oh NO we can NOT! I suffered through a never-ending slide-show for you, Missy. Of course, I tell him it's best that he leave that very second.
I escort Mark to the front porch, where I give Kyle and Cornell a head nod of acknowledgment. Back inside, I relieve a little tension... and now that I'm thinking straight again, I write a brief apology to Mark via email. I think--actually, I don't think, I KNOW that he has no clue what he's just done.
In my fragile state, the last thing I needed was for someone else to reject me, especially him. He's only good for one thing, and now he can't even do that... apparently, he's come back from Denmark with some dignity. *sigh* All I wanted was a quick lay to hurt Kyle back (in my own way), but I understand that I shouldn't have used Mark to do it. And though I feel kinda shitty about it, I refuse to hang out with him for the rest of the year. But seriously, rejected by the jump-off? *shakes head* Mm, Mm, Mm.
From casual conversations with Jai and Kat, I discover that Kyle may have a crush on Bryan, the aforementioned twink. I'M ON IT. Despite the fact that Kyle clearly no longer wants me, I don't want anyone else to have him. I know, it's sad and pathetic, but I'm having a hard enough time just living with him and watching him lead a care-free existence--I can't watch him date someone else. NO.
So, I go to work. During one of my regular late-night visits to Jai, Bryan just happens to be there. I turn on the charm and the three of us engage in witty repartee for about an hour, before the inevitable happens: Kyle passes by and immediately walks in--that is, until he finally sees me on Bryan's right side. As expected, he makes a frantic break for it, and goes to his room. But then he throws me a curveball and actually comes back to Jai's room, with a bottle of Tequila in tow. Well, Bitch, I guess it's ON!
What unfolds is a gruesome scene to watch: two bitchy, predatory gay men encircling fresh prey while an apathetic lesbian looks on. Both Kyle and I hurl flirtatious comments Bryan's way, trying to one-up each other, trying to plunge the knife deeper into each other's hearts. The game takes an unfortunate turn when Bryan's love for Dungeons & Dragons comes up. And... I'm out. That is a dealbreaker! Honey, I have dealt with a D&D loving boyfriend and I am not going back, Mm'kay. Mm'KAY?
Sometime between the first and fourth beer, Travis joins in on the mayhem--during a downstairs booze run, I had casually mentioned that Bryan was upstairs and he came running. After a while, I realize that this never was a fair competition. I had almost forgotten about Kyle's serious lack of game; frankly, he sabotaged himself by playfully threatening to "bitch slap" the peace-loving sports-hating PACIFIST. Why was I so worried?
Once the lesbian says it's BEDTIME (aka "Queens, get the fuck out!"), we're all sent on our way. I encourage the other 3 guys to continue the party at a new venue, Kyle's room, but our young Bryan is exhausted and tells me he wants to head home. Luckily, I'm the closest to the door, so after a good 30 seconds, I break the news to the other guys and start walking down the stairs... one foot at a time, at a turtle's speed. I laugh my ass off as Kyle and Travis shove each other, trying to make it down the steps and catch Bryan before he goes. I realize I'm in a real-life version of The Three Stooges right now! Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk. I shoot them a Bitch-Please look as I take my sweet time down those stairs. Don't even try to get past me 'cause I will shut you down. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, BIT-CHES!
It's a Saturday night in October, and I've decided to throw an impromptu Movie Night with the GAIA Pagan Society. I get immediate responses from everyone in the group... except for one person, as if you even have to guess. On a good day, Kyle barely acknowledges me with anything other than a scowl, so why would I expect him to have the courtesy to respond to an invitation via TXT message? Unfortunately, the original location (RISE House) is occupied, so I decide to host the event in ALLiES House's Common Room.
Of all the rotten luck, a few minutes after setting up all the equipment, the back door flies open and Kyle strolls in. Of course, the Pagans welcome him inside with open arms, but all I can think is, "You obviously weren't busy tonight. So why couldn't you have responded SOMETHING about Movie Night?" Needless to say, I'm not happy that he somehow weaseled his way into attending the party without having to say or TXT a single word to me.
We end up watching The Ninth Gate, a laughably awful movie starring Johnny Depp as a book dealer on the hunt for a Bible, supposedly written by the Devil himself. Naturally, during the movie, a Pagan CuddleFest occurs on top of Kyle as I keep my eyes fixated on the screen. Kat calls over to me, "James, why don't you join in?" Umm, why don't I cuddle with my asshole ex-boyfriend? Gee, let me think about it.
After the credits roll and the screen goes black, all non-ALLiES House residents are on their way out. I'm hoping that this will give Kyle and I the opportunity to have our first real conversation since August. Much to my dismay, he sprints out of the room with DeLue and Ashleigh, leaving me all alone.
...Oh, that's alright. No, really, guys, I'll clean up all by myself. On my hands and knees, I remove cans, bottles, popcorn, wrappers and deposit them in the kitchen trashcan. It actually makes me feel better to clean up after all the chaos, because it clears my head and gets me to focus on something productive.
Sadly, I still can't get him out of my head, so after washing his cup in the sink, I go up to his room, leaving it on his bookcase, along with a copy of Dan Savage's hilarious yet practical book, The Kid (my summer reading recommendation to him). Just a normal, friendly gesture.
The next morning, I wake up, walk into the hallway, and it's a FULL Common Room, mostly 3rd floor residents (Jai, Jimmy, Chasse, Kyle, Alex). I greet everyone, when my eyes are drawn to something on the coffee table. It's a copy of The Kid, staring back at me. What a RETURN TO SENDER stamp on my kindness! I look Kyle right in the eye as I bite my tongue, snatch the book off the table, and say, "I want to talk to you later." Shocked that I would say anything in front of our friends, he sighs and gives me an "OK."
Long after the sun goes down, once again I hear the timid Knock, Knock, Knocking at my chamber door. It's Kyle, he's looking in every direction but mine, he's standing a safe distance from the door, leaning against the opposite wall. I'm all business when I ask, "You ready?" He nods, we walk into the kitchen, and I tear into him.
I start out by saying, "Kyle, I feel like you've been a real DICK to me lately. And I just want to know why." He gives me that all-too-familiar grimace and denies treating me any differently than he used to... but then again, if he's referring to the time when we were strictly fellow ALLiES members and barely acquaintances, then YES, he is treating me normally. Seriously, how do you go from acquaintances to friends to close friends to lovers to TOTAL STRANGERS, Huh? You'd think that one of us did something unforgivable along the road.
It just pisses me off so much that I even have to ask him, "Do you consider us friends? Do you still want to be my friend?" Much to my surprise, he immediately responds that YES, he still wants to be my friend. To tell you the truth, I'd rather him say "NO, I want nothing to do with you anymore as a lover or as a friend," and be DONE with it, than have him say "YES, I want to be friends," only to turn around and keep treating me like I'm the most unpleasant person in the world.
In the past 2 months, he hasn't even bothered to waste a "Hi, how are you?" on me. It's that uncertainty about Kyle's feelings that has TORMENTED me for months. I just wanna know and be done with this bullshit, so I don't have to smile and act like his fucking friend... if he doesn't want to be friends, then I'm gonna stop being polite and really make his life a living HELL. Seriously, why do I need to be friends with some overgrown toddler who sneers whenever I walk into a room anyway?
A week goes by, October's on its way out, and it's time to celebrate Samhain (All Hallows Eve) with the Pagans. After performing a ritual to honor the Dead--which absolutely, positively does NOT require human sacrifices--we kick off the more upbeat festivities inside Quarry Pavilion.
We're laughing and chatting and drinking hot cider when out of the blue, Stephanie Allen walks up to me and yells, "James Burkhalter, when the hell did you get a piercing?!" From the shadows, Kyle surfaces and answers for me, "February." Stupid me, I smile and say, "Yeah, we got matching ones." Kyle's face goes white and he leads Steph to the opposite side of the Pavilion. Oh, I'm sorry. For a second there, I forgot that you despised me. What was I thinking?
By this point in the semester, I have already re-entered the Dating Game, but I'm just having fun and none of them are long-term prospects. I take a seat in front of Kat and ask her to perform a Tarot reading of my love life. It contains lots of SWORDS... not a good sign. And as I already know, it's not even describing Kyle. The cards perfectly summarize my "relationship" with my current steady: he's sweet, caring, masculine, obviously cares a lot about me, but he's just not ready to commit at this time. Yes, I've sunken so low as to waste my time on a closeted guy, but as a man with experience, I know full well that he and I can't be together in a publicly recognized monogamous relationship. He's almost ready but he's got a LOT of soul-searching and growing up to do first... too bad I'll have graduated by then.
Faced with the grim reality that Kyle will be away in Egypt next semester, meaning we'll NEVER get to resolve all our issues, I decide that I need to reach out to him one last time. I'm gonna swallow my pride, lay all the cards on the table, and just hope that he'll agree to have a mature discussion, one in which we can stop keeping up appearances and just say EXACTLY how we're feeling.
Lying awake due to my insomnia, I take out one of my Frida postcards and just write what's in my heart (No drafts, No edits, No rewrites), and promise myself, "I will give this to him tomorrow."
Sunday evening. 3:10am. I should be sleeping but as usual, I'm thinking about you. It's finally dawned on me that after next month, I am never going to see you again.After class, I head upstairs to his room and knock-knock-knock on his halfway-opened door (his door doesn't lock properly). I know it's questionable but I call out to him and Alex before I step inside the room. Resisting all temptation to fuck with his things, I quickly open his laptop, slide the postcard under the monitor, and leave.
While part of me's jumping for joy, the other part's crying buckets... metaphorically, at least. I don't want to see you go off to Egypt and out of my life without a fight. I miss you more than words can say, and I wish that all the "I'm Sorry's" in the world would even begin to change your opinion of me. But they won't.
I'm not perfect, but then again, no one is. Even though I've just recently started dating again, at the end of the day, you're the one I really want to be with. So, to conclude "Pathetic Attempt to Reconcile #80," I'd like to ask if we could grab a bite sometime, anywhere you want.
Take Care,
James
It's November 4, Election Day, and it's been nearly 48 hours since I left the postcard in Kyle's room. Did he not find it? Is he just ignoring me? What's up? Once again, I make that long trek up to Kyle's bedroom and ask him if he received the note. He just says, "Yeah." As usual, I have to drag the answers out of him and ask, "Well, what do you think?" Oblivious, he responds, "Think about WHAT?" He never makes it easy.
More than anything, that's what I hate about him. He and I became very intimate and as such, I've always been honest, vulnerable and exposed around him, but he's never reciprocated. It's always as if he's hiding something and can never think of anything genuine to say to me, just one-word answers and regurgitated sayings. I cut to the chase and ask him again, "How about we have dinner sometime and talk?" "Uh, Maybe." Well, that's better than nothing, I suppose.
...In case you're wondering, we never did have that dinner.
Finals Week is coming to a close and that means it's time for us to get the fuck out. Out my window I can see Kyle carrying his boxes out to the parking lot. I currently have a client in my room, and we're discussing a special XMAS video he wants to make for family and friends. It's good that he's here because it gives me a legitimate reason not to make one final scene with Kyle... handcuffing myself to the passenger door, perhaps?
As he exits my room, Jermarco sees something on the floor, gives it to me, and says, "You dropped this." Thanks. (I've never seen it before in my life, but I take it from him.)It's a tattered blue folder, filled with stacks of paper. I open it up and inside I see 100+ copies of my original Samhain poster designs. Kyle must have printed them off, made copies, and never distributed them.
Clinging to some glimmer of hope, I rifle through the papers furiously, praying that maybe he wrote me a Goodbye note on the back of a flier. One by one, I flip the individual pages over and see nothing, NOTHING, NOTHING! Full of rage, I scream at the top of my lungs, "FUCKER!" and hurl the folder across the room as hard as I can. Not knowing my own strength, the flying folder knocks all the silverware and wine glasses off my bookcase. I watch in slow motion as everything shatters on the tile floor and glass shards come cascading toward me.
All I wanted was some goddamn closure, and that folder FULL of blank sheets of paper would have been the perfect opportunity for him to provide it. It'd be just his style. He could write whatever he wanted without having to speak to me, and since he's Cairo bound anyway, he wouldn't have to fear my wrath.
I would cry but frankly, after this semester from Hell, I'm all cried out; besides, I've wasted too many tears on his ass. *sigh* It's time to clean house and move on. "Travis, fetch my Swiffer!"
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