Theme Song: "Mama" - The Spice Girls
Tonight on a special episode of Chaos Under The Big Top: The College Years... In honor of AIDS Awareness Day (December 1), loosely inspired by Nervous But Excited's concert, tonight's episode is the second installment of James' "Coming Out" trilogy. We begin our story in medias res, James having come out of the closet an hour earlier.
Right after the big blowout with my father, I return to my room and my brother drops by for another talk. According to him, Dad's been CLUELESS about my sexuality and has been accusing him for the longest time. Right... apparently, John doesn't know about that time when Dad took one of my personal essays as 100% truth and wouldn't let me out of the car until I told him what those assholes called me one day at school, knowing full well what it was. I couldn't do it. Because back then I wasn't the kind of boy who could utter that word without feeling like he'd been knifed in the chest... but I can now. FAGGGGGGGGGOTTTTT!!!
Believe it or not, I was rarely (if ever) teased in high school; if people said things about me, they never said it to my face. Really, I'm one of those people who actually loved high school. Although it's nice to know John's cool with my gaiety, it is pretty naive of him to start talking about how he had already found out from his "spies" aka his lowlife friends who are always poking around mine and Jiselle's business. But honestly, anyone with an internet connection could easily find out... It's as simple as MySpace.
Much to my surprise, before the sun has even gone down, my father has informed my mother and she's passed it on to my sister. Damn! It's not that I don't want them to know, but MORE THAN ANYONE, they are the two people I'm closest to, and I would've preferred to tell them myself. Later on that night, Mama visits me while I'm doing some web design work on the desktop computer. She puts down the laundry, pulls up a chair, and tells me she's kinda sad that I didn't feel that I could tell her. I totally understand, and it breaks my heart. More than anyone in this world, she deserves to know. She's the only one who's ever been interested in my private life, the only one who even attempted to get to know my friends, asks how they're doing, went to all my performances, ALWAYS supported my dreams (no matter how insane, LOL) 100 percent. But y'see, the reason why I never told her was because she's EVERYONE's confidant, all 3 of us tell her everything, and no matter what she says, she's not very good at keeping things from her husband. Thus why I decided to bear this burden in silence for the past 9 years.
A boy's best friend is his mother. -- Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates, Psycho (1960)She tells me, "A mom always knows. I knew in my heart. I always knew that you were different--special. Not effeminate, but always a gentleman. I admire you for always following your own drummer and being true to yourself." Frankly, I have to bite my lip to keep from bawling because of her truly unconditional love--ironic how the most Christian family member is the most accepting. According to her, my father cannot even fathom the idea; she's "never seen him like this before." He still thinks of homosexuality as a mental illness and asked Mom, "Should we take him to a doctor?" *scoff* It's not a cold, it's not contagious. If you do it, I'm just gonna embarrass the hell out of you. I've done it before.
And then we pick up our conversation on Top Model and Britney's latest antics. XD Love you, PoshMama! The next day, I get a text message from Jiselle, so we decide to meet for lunch. Mom has always said that we were most alike; I always emulated Jiselle growing up for her grades and crazy acrobatic skills. And on this afternoon, she tells me something that has been left "unsaid" in our family for over a decade: she's attracted to women. I've met plenty of her butchy girlfriends but she never introduced them as such. But of course, there were signs: stacks of Aaliyah & Jessica Alba paraphernalia, a copy of Ellen Degeneres' book on the night stand, and our discussion of artificial insemination 7 years ago. However, she tells me that after having her heart thrown around and crushed by all these women, she decided to settle down with Jeff. Oh well, I sincerely hope that their love is more than just platonic, because she deserves a passionate marriage. Never settle for less.
If there's one thing that being in the closet and then coming out has taught me, it's that you don't have to make yourself miserable just to make others comfortable. I know, my parents aren't so much worried about me as they are about how other people will judge me in the job market now that I'm out. In response, I say, "HAH!!" You do know how many gays there are in the film industry? How many of the most creative and innovative IT guys are gay? Ryan Murphy (POPular, Nip/Tuck), Darren Star (Sex and the City, Beverly Hills 90210), Marc Cherry (Desperate Housewives), John Waters ('Til Death Do Us Part, Hairspray, Serial Mom), Graham Norton (Graham Norton Show), Peter Paige (Queer As Folk, Say Uncle, Rick & Steve)... C'mon, at this point, it's practically a prerequisite, maaan!
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