Theme Song: "Just Like A Pill" - P!nk
Previously on Chaos Under The Big Top: The College Years... After three LONNNG months away from each other, James & Kyle both returned to Gettysburg, their once-fruitful relationship now in shambles.
Where You Left Me
I Think I Took Too Much
I'm Crying Here
What Have You Done?
I Thought It Would Be Fun...
*off the floor and back at my desk* Well, don't I feel like a jackass? For the better part of four months I've been behaving like a sentimental fool, gushing over someone who supposedly liked me back. My friends back home are practically convinced I've found Paradise Lost... Oh well, we're never gonna fix this thing if I stay in my room, intentionally avoiding him. The only way we'll fix it is by talking it out.
I hop over to the bathroom, wash my face, and help carry some random item (I think it was a book rack) up to Kyle's room on the top floor. As I lie on his bed and watch him move things (restrained so that I won't instinctively start cleaning and/or organizing his stuff... He's got a system), he doesn't say a word. I start asking random questions about various items, trying to get him to open up and get comfortable with me again. As he's setting up his computer, I tenderly lay a hand on his shoulder... he doesn't respond... but he doesn't object either.
Once he's finally done moving stuff, he joins me on the bed. I keep rattling off the questions, still trying to get to the heart of the issues, and figure out how he's become so cold toward me. I ask him if the special music video (set to Miley Cyrus' "See You Again") I made embarrassed him. He says No, "but it would've meant more if it were set to Private. I got an email saying someone had commented on it, and I thought, 'Great. We have a public relationship.'"
Now we're getting somewhere. The fact of the matter is, NOTHING important about me is private, as anyone who has read my blog already knows. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people set their FaceBook profiles to Private, as if they're soooo interesting; a small cluster of my friends have done this, and Sorry, but they're not. Although I'm doing all this for him and NO ONE ELSE, it's OK for to them to see it. But he's the only one who really matters.
Had my boyfriend set that video or any notes to Private, I would automatically think that he was ashamed of me. I've been treated like someone's dirty little secret numerous times, and it's a horrible feeling. I just hate that after going on and on all the time, telling HIM personally how much I like him and miss him, I never really heard anything back... except for an obligatory "Miss You too" perfectly parroted back at me at the end of every conversation. As I've said before, I love attention, I love compliments, but they only REALLY matter when they're coming from my boyfriend. The omnipresent silence during the summer took a severe toll on me.
And yet I don't WANT to let him go without a fight. Friday night I'm sitting in the common room with Jai, Jimmy, and Chasse, gearing up for a "wild" house party. Visibly missing, I swallow my pride and make the long trek up to Kyle's room.
INT. Albaugh House - Kyle & Alex's Room - 8PM
I tap my fist against the door, and Kyle begrudgingly lets me in. We make our way over to the bed and sit there, side-by-side. Dead silence. We can't even look at each other; we're both gazing off into space. Once again, I place my hand on Kyle's shoulder. He doesn't budge.
James: Are you repulsed by me?
Kyle: *small laugh* Not at all.
Slowly I take his left hand in mine and massage it with my thumb; he takes mine and does the same. I scooch closer 'til our hips are touching. I gently rest my head on his, kneading his temples with my forehead; he does the same. Closer. I softly press my lips against his neck... to his ear... to his cheek. We sit there for a minute, our arms draped around one another.
Kyle quickly leaps up and answers the door. It's Jai, our gay den mother.
Jai: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt something?
Kyle: NO.
Thanks. XD He sends Jai back downstairs and walks back over--not sitting on the bed this time.
Kyle: Oh great, now they're gonna think we're doing something.
James: ...Would it be so bad if we were?
Kyle: (pause) I'm not in the mood.
WHAAAT?! Guys are NEVER "not in the mood." I would know. *thinks back to his 3 months of summer celibacy* OK, I have gotten my fill of rejection for this weekend.
Kyle re-joins me on the bed. I move away from him.
James (staring blankly at the door): I feel like I should go... but I just don't want to.
Kyle stays silent. I get up and walk to the door. He doesn't even try to stop me.
James: So, let me get this all straight: You still find me attractive, I find you attractive. And we're arguing over a communication issue that no longer exists.
Kyle: Right.
James: Then why are we still fighting?
Kyle: I don't know... Shit happens.
Great! He's gone from Fortune Cookie wisdom to Bumper Sticker wisdom. I wanna smack him so hard right now.
James: How can you be so cool about this?
Kyle: I get it from my mother.
Like I know what that means... maybe if he told me shit I would.
James: So, where does this leave us?
Kyle: I don't think we're gonna fix this... especially not now. I think we should take a break, and if nothing happens, it wasn't meant to be.
A break? A BREAK?!! He's gotta be shitting me. Anyone who has watched an episode of Friends (WE WERE ON A BREAK, LOL!) knows that a break is never good for a relationship. The thing that killed our relationship over the summer was the fact that we hardly ever talked... so OF COURSE that love spark is going to magically re-ignite if we take another break. Why didn't I think of that?
James: You know what... (This truly hurts to say) Let's just break up then. I still like you, I never stopped. And I don't wanna have to wait weeks or months or years for you to say, "OK, I like you again!" There's a big possibility that day will never come.
Kyle: You'll be OK. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You can do so much better than me.
I look at him in stern silence, obviously hurt by this response. More cliches.
Kyle: What? I always thought that sounded like good advice.
James: I know all that, Kyle... BUT I don't want someone else. I want you, which sucks now that you don't want me. And you shouldn't be so down on yourself, you're a great guy, Kyle. I really mean it.
Kyle: Thanks.
We share an innocent hug with minimal contact, an innocent peck on the neck, and join our housemates downstairs in some debauchery.
We broke up. Correction: We're no longer a "we." After much self-inflicted pain, I no longer feel as if I've done anything wrong, and I don't completely blame him for the break-up either. I got on him about the communication issue because I didn't want to coast by. I didn't want to have a fake relationship. It would've been extremely easy to sit back and say, "I have a boyfriend" while not putting in the effort that a committed relationship requires. I didn't want us to just phone it in. He, on the other hand, did absolutely nothing wrong... but over the summer, he didn't do anything right either. I actively took a stake in the relationship, so he was constantly on the defensive.
He and I both knew that our relationship would have an expiration date... I just never would've guessed it would be so soon, not even enough passion left for make-up/break-up sex. We had so little time left already--probably 4 months since he's going abroad in January and I'm graduating in May). I wanted to make the most of the little time we had left. I didn't expect it to mean everything, but ultimately, I wanted it all to mean something.
The day after the break-up, I put on the brave face, but I still felt uncomfortable around him. We're still trying the whole "just friends" thing, which is hard to do, because unlike him, I can't just turn my feelings on and off. I'm so careful about how I act around him. I'm trying not to overstep my boundaries as a friend. It's a very fine line. And I just feel pathetic for still harboring all these strong feelings for him, when he couldn't possibly give LESS of a damn about me.
The whole idea of reconciliation is incredibly unlikely. Although all the problems are gone, it's all become a matter of pride and principle. Sometimes, I wish I could magically fix things... except there's no real problem to fix anymore. I just wish that Kyle would've given me reasons for the break-up, so I wouldn't be dissecting myself daily to see what the fuck is wrong with me. I tried soooo hard to be perfect, to treat him how I'd want my ideal boyfriend to treat me, and where did it all get me? His mind's made up and I can't change it. Even though he said, "My friends will tell you, I don't know what I want." One thing's for sure: he doesn't want me.
Ever since the split, I've been reminded of Dharma & Greg (the hilarious 1996 sitcom about a hippie and lawyer meeting and getting married in the same day), and how they had randomly passed each other on the street as children and teens, never noticed each other, and then ended up together in the end. The Universe was constantly trying to match them up.
Often times with Kyle, I would tell him years-old stories and it would turn out that he was actually in the same room, and I hadn't even noticed he was there. When we finally did get together, it just felt right... our differences were what brought us together. I could marvel at his knowledge of history and geography and such, and he'd praise my filmmaking and dancing.
Now that we live in the same house and I frequently see him and his man-bag around campus, I feel like every day, Fate's just throwing him in my face, screaming, "Hold him tight, and don't let go! Quickly, before he goes to fucking Egypt!" ...But I can't. It takes every ounce of strength and will not to just throw my arms around him whenever I see him, to envelop his lips with mine. Sadly, the feeling is no longer mutual, and JiMBO draws the line at rape.
I think David Carradine (Bill in Kill Bill) said it best: (after falling a victim to The Bride's 5-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique) "No, you're not a bad person. You're an amazing person. You're my FAVORITE person... But every once in a while, you can be a real cunt."
So that's how things are currently. Even though I still like Kyle, I will honor his wishes and try my damndest to stop pining for him. There's no need for TEAM JAMES or TEAM KYLE T-shirts. There's no Wrong or Right here. And in time, I will accept that.
I know my friends mean well when they commend us both on how we're handling the break-up. I believe "mature" is the word several of them have tossed around. But we're not being mature, we're being stubborn and refusing to put in the extra effort needed to solve our problem.
And I've gotta say, it does my heart good to see two other people in ALLiES House carrying on successful LDRs: Shaffy & her guy and Corny Kyle & his child bride. They're on the phone CONSTANTLY, every single night, for hours on end. Kyle sees that, and he knows that I never asked that or expected that of him. All I wanted was a few minutes ("Hi, How r u? Anything new? Miss U, Talk to U later!"--literally) every couple of days, not an unreasonable request if I do say so myself...
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