Theme Song: "Lucky" - Britney Spears
If there's one mantra I couldn't agree with more, it'd be this, "Credit where credit is due." And tonight I'd like to give a shout out to someone who has been repeatedly torn down, humiliated, discredited, treated like an emotionless sub-human being--a woman who has been unfairly denied proper credit for her successes, many of which have been spun as failures by the mass media. That woman is none other than, Miss Britney Jean Spears.
Mr. JiMBO Esquire presents...
The Blonde Bombshell Returns
THE DRAMA. After her very public divorce from backup dancer/deadbeat dad/wannabe rapper Kevin Federline, fans had been hoping that Britney would finally release an album, since news of her personal life casts a HUGE shadow on what really is an amazing musical career. And like many fans, I was disappointed by Britney's "comeback" performance at MTV Video Music Awards. She's famous for her extremely outlandish performances. They're legendary... but that one was not up her to standards. And then, the tabloids start blaming her for 16-year-old Jamie Lynn's pregnancy, citing Britney as a bad influence. In response, I'd like to point out that when Britney had her first baby, not only was she 24 YEARS OLD, she was also MARRIED. The most recent story claims that Britney had a mental breakdown in a "bizarre stand-off with the police over the custody of her kids." HELLO, they were trying to take her kids away from her! It's so bizarre that she resisted. *eye roll* If I were in the same position, I wouldn't let my kids go without a fight either--it's a sign that she does care, even though she isn't some picture-perfect Stepford mom.
THE INSPIRATION. As many of you may know, I'm A Slave 4 U (Britney, 2001) was, in fact, my Coming Out song. In her music, I discovered a sense of self-confidence and a freedom from sexual inhibition. And on the physical side, I remember seeing videos of teenage Britney working out at her father's gym, thinking "Damn, she's got better abs than me... I'll have none of that!" Thus inspiring me to work off that last bit of belly freshman year. I can't make my belly button talk anymore, but Hey, we all make sacrifices, right? ;-)
THE NAYSAYERS. Nowadays, a breed of emo, Hot Topic, pseudo-nonconformists criticize Britney fans because they believe her music is popular/mass-produced, and we can't think for ourselves. Well, I want to say that Britney Spears have to defend themselves more than anybody else out there, mainly because of the singer's personal life. Although Britney was the first in a slew of bubblegum pop princesses, she HAS ENDURED thanks to one simple fact, "No one does Britney better than Britney." Lots of young girls try to emulate her music but it doesn't work: Ashlee, Jessica, Mandy, that chick from High School Musical... cheap imitations. She sets the standard. I'm so impressed that she turned down Timbaland's offer to "revive her career" (arrogant blowhard)--however, I will admit: he is a master of making piles of crap listenable by adding fresh beats. He's got skills.
THE VOICE. Lots of people immediately say Britney's got an awful voice. The most common line is, "You're just giving her CD a good review b/c you're a fan." Um, if you're NOT a fan, then why the fuck are you buying the album in the first place? Her voice isn't bad--it's raw, it's different, it's imperfect, it's primal, and that's why I love it. It fits so well with the background chords, like an instrument of its own. People forget that this girl undeniably has musical ability, winning the Star Search competition, making it onto the Mickey Mouse Club, and starring in an off-Broadway play based on The Bad Seed. But when it comes down it, the phrase, "Different strokes for folks come to mind." To me, Jessica Simpson's voice is too whiny, Christina Aguilera's is too obnoxious, and Janet's has become too tame and boring.
THE ALBUM. One thing that I love about this woman is her resilience. Like Stretch Armstrong, against all odds she always comes bounces back from whatever throws at her. Even with no manager and no marketing team promoting her album, no support from the record label, and a god-awful cover design, Britney's 5th album Blackout hit #1 on iTunes Top 100 Albums Chart in UNDER THREE HOURS. I should know, I was one of those people logged in at 12AM PST to buy a digital copy before the CD arrived via snail mail. Despite this victory, "the powers that be" decided to screw Britney over once again. Due to a last minute rule change, Britney was denied the #1 debut spot on the Billboard charts; FYI, Walmart-Exclusive CDs are allowed to place. On the bright side, a majority of critics (at least the ones who ACTUALLY listened to it), have given Blackout rave reviews. And I can honestly say, it deserves it.
THE SONGS. Blackout is a trite and true dance album (with a slick, new ElectroFunk feel to it) from start to finish. For the first time ever, Spears didn't have pressure from her record label to slap an obligatory ballad on there (even though I LOVE her ballads--she's got that strained, sorrowful voice down pat). And the most surprising thing of all is, there are NO filler songs on the album. That's right, it's one of the rare CDs that I can just press PLAY without having to skip the crappy songs added to make 12. Honestly, the only other albums in my collection I can do that with (other than Greatest Hits) are: Again (2Gether), Whoa, Nelly! (Nelly Furtado), Spice (Spice Girls), No Angel (Dido), Yes, I'm A Witch (Yoko Ono), It Won't be Soon Before Long (Maroon 5), and Bad (Michael Jackson). Blackout succeeds where vocoder albums like American Life (Madonna) and FutureSex/LoveSounds (Justin Timberlake) failed--it's fresh, eclectic, unrepetitive, and just plain ol' FUN.
My Top Ten (couldn't possibly narrow it down to 5) songs on the disc are:
#1 - Toy Soldier #2 - Radar #3 - Everybody (Bonus Track) #4 - Get Naked (I Got A Plan) #5 - Piece Of Me #6 - Hot As Ice #7 - Heaven On Earth #8 - Ooh Ooh Baby #9 - Why Should I Be Sad? #10 - Break The Ice
TO THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL. I would just like to say THANK YOU for always putting me in a good mood with your songs and videos. It hurts to see the spin that these sleazy Entertainment shows put on your personal struggles, and I admire your ability to take such a lashing EVERY SINGLE DAY (even when you were taking a "break") and to never bad-mouth other celebrities (even when they've done it to you). If I had all my daily actions viewed under a media microscope, I'd have a nervous breakdown in six months TOPS. Stay strong, Take Care of Yourself. Who loves ya, Baby? JiMBO does.
Oh yeah, one last thing: Leave Britney, Chris Crocker, Seth Green, and Leatherface ALONE! XD LOL, Sorry, I couldn't resist!
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