Theme Song: "Feed My Frankenstein" - Alice Cooper
Previously on Chaos Under The Big Top: The College Years... Just in the nick of time, James realized that his friendship with Sara was slowly becoming a sexless romance. As a result, he decided to jump back into the dating game after a brief hiatus.
WOW... I could hump a tree right now. Seriously, my body hasn't felt this way since middle school; in other words, I'm in HEAT, dammit! Anywho, Mark's comin' over tonight, so I'll be busy making my pad uber-comfortable. My pre-date preparation comes up to a total of 2.5 hours and 7 miles of walking IN THE SNOW to CVS, 7-Eleven and La Bella Italia, all with a boulder strapped on my shoulder. And let me tell ya, I almost fuckin' tackled this dumbass jogger, running around in his short-shorts in 12-degree weather, ya douche! But on the bright side, I seriously don't think I have any body fat left WHATSOEVER after all that walkin'. I'm EXTREMELY aware that I have swivel hips right now. But I digress.
So I phone Mark after Sarah's senior recital around 9 or so, and he's at my door shortly after. I start the evening off by introducing him to one of my shows, Queer As Folk, when... I receive a frantic plea from Girl Wonder on FaceBook; apparently, a pepsi exploded in her freezer--same thing happened to me last month. Damn you, Microfridge! Since my girl's in trouble, I step into the bathroom and call her on my cell. Magically, I morph into Martha Stewart with my OCD ass, and I divulge to her my trite & true method of soda removal: grease-cutting dishwashing liquid on a warm washcloth. *shhh*
As usual, we get caught up in our 3 to 15-minute conversation, when I mention to her that I have company in the next room. She replies, "James Burkhalter, you have a man in the next room?! Then, why the fuck are you talkin' to me?!" Good point. *click!* I rejoin Mark on the couch, we have more pizza, do a lil' arm wrestling, dot dot dot. ;-) Since he's goin' on an 8-hour hike tomorrow, I escort him home shortly after midnight, and bid him Goodbye and Good Luck.
You see, although I had a great time, he and I can't have a serious relationship, due to many different unfortunate factors. One of the downsides of having a fully public online blog is that people read it, and I can't take back what I said about not having any emotional attachment to Mark--I find him physically attractive but sadly, a solid foundation calls for more than that alone. Besides, when it comes to Mark's taste, he tends to fall for twits, twerps, and twats. Admittedly, I'd be the self-absorbed twit who's sooo gung-ho about gay rights that he resents and criticizes guys who are trying to realize their sexuality--unlike Mark, I don't have the patience to deal with them.
Plus, over the years I've come to accept Mark as a good friend, and although I don't long to have a romantic relationship with him, I care deeply about his happiness, as I do with all of my other friends, the gays especially. In fact, he rattles off the list of his latest campus crushes, and with every name, I end up cackling and truthfully saying, "I can't stand that guy." But then again, I'm one to talk, seeing as I haven't had a real (non-celebrity) crush in almost a year exactly. I just don't wanna see my friend get hurt or be led on by someone who's sexually borderlined. *wink-nudge* Seriously, if you break his heart, I will break your face! It wouldn't be the first time... and of course that would trigger an anecdote from my misspent youth, LOL. Years ago, in the heat of the moment, I ended up breaking my first quote-unquote boyfriend's arm... even though he was well-over twice my size. I can take care of myself. Come to think of it, I don't think ANY of my friends, even my closest ones, have ever seen me truly angry and hungry for blood. Those who have... most certainly haven't lived to tell the tale. *innocent schoolboy giggle* Despite all that crazy shit, I genuinely wish him the BEST of luck with those crushes of his. :-D
But let's focus on my real problems here. My taste in guys is constantly evolving; don't get me wrong, I'm an equal opportunity dater, but my standards are constantly going up. Despite this upward trend, I firmly believe everyone deserves a FIRST date... fortunately for me, I'm an old-fashioned gay who doesn't put out until the SECOND date. Gotta keep it classy. *lifts pinky pretentiously* Frankly, I'm drawn to what I call, Pinocchios, guys who are PERFECT in one area but are totally inappropriate in another. So many wooden puppets out there when all I want is a real boy. :-D I don't want a woman AND I definitely don't want a straight guy. Being an androgynous guy myself, it's quite strange that I'm typically more attracted to effeminate men, even though one of them has yet to pass my physical tests.
And when it comes to FaceBook hook-ups, I'll just tell you what I would tell my Drama Club friends in high school, "I don't date married men [or eunuchs]." I mean, honestly, what the fuck does it even mean when a guy is neither interested in men NOR women?! Really, what the hell are you into? Doorknobs? Gilgamechs? Wild Horses, what?! I'm too damn old and bitter to be playing the guessing game, y'all, ESPECIALLY with a stranger. But I guess, in terms of my dream guy, I'm still looking for a carbon copy of myself, not to gloat or anything, but in other words, someone who is passionate, talented (perhaps a dancer and/or writer), environmentally friendly, politically and culturally informed who takes care of his body. The question is: Do I actually believe I'm gonna find that in Gettysburg? LOL, Hell to the NO! Better luck in New Orleans again.
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