Opening Song: "Anticipation" - Carly Simon
Actually, I spent most of my night watching the encore presentation of one of my favorite shows, America's Next Top Model, and it was so mean. Today the model contestants had to be weighed in, and to my surprise, most of these full grown, healthy-looking women weighed about 112 pounds. Shocking! But what really made me mad was how Miss J (the guy who gives the catwalk lessons) was frowning at this one girl, Brita, because she weighed 138 pounds. That's not fat! But everyone in the house made her feel like a frickin' wilde-beast, and that's not cool, y'all.
Today I wore my "Priest shirt" (Pope-a-licious, yo!) and as usual, the people had so many comments for me. In first period, one of my AVID kids came and sat down next to me and said, "Good morning, Father," and so I had to reply, "Good morning, my child. What troubles you?" Next thing you know, he wants to pray together. *cringe* Bleh! I'll have none of that. I won't even talk about Rice Lady and Mr. Clark's jokes either, but as always, my fans loved it and that's all that matters.
And you can tell everybody that this is your song / I hope you don't mind / I hope you don't mind... that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world...
Yesterday in Team Sports class I had an intriguing discussion with Zach and Stacie. First of all I want to say, "I Love Stacie now!" 'cause she loves Elton John! HOT! Anyone who knows me knows that my ex-girlfriend and I bonded over of our love of Sir Elton John's music. Unknown to each other, we both dressed as him during Spirit Week: she came as the Elton of today, and I came as the rockin' Elton of the early 80s. After that, we played some 3-way basketball, and it was SCARY! Stacie and I are pretty good but Zach was dangerous! I actually remember him shooting an air ball that bounced up, knocked an innocent bystander upside the head, and bounced back to him. Yikes!
Quote Of the Day: "Hot Topic: Conforming the Non-Conformist!" - Jess Rivera
Jess, I love you for saying that 'cause it's short, sweet, and painfully ironic. Speaking of fads, during that same conversation mentioned earlier, Zach revealed himself as a witch. A gay witch? A gitch? What are the odds? *sarcasm noted* So apparently to him, Wicca is the most real, enchanting thing ever! HAH!
Hate to break it you, dude, but Witchcraft is sooooo seven years ago! For real. I practiced Wicca for about 2 years in the sixth and seventh grade and I still have lots of books on the folklore in my personal library, but I grew tired of that shit. You see, I did an incantation back when I was 12 (The East Tower chant, if I'm correct) and needless to say, in the middle of the chant, six golden spiders appeared on my body. AHHHHH!! EWWW!!! JiMBO can't have spiders crawling around his spongy places!
I quit practicing right after the horrifying ordeal. But back to the story, Zach had the nerve to ask me if I've ever seen The Craft... Bitch, I rented it on VHS way back in '96... you remember, back when you were... SIX years old! Plus, it was actually one of the first DVDs I ever bought (in addition to The Matrix, Clueless, and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me). Boo-yah!
BTW, if you liked The Craft, I recommend some old favorites: Teen Witch (80s bubblegum flick), The Worst Witch (80s semi-musical with a young Fairuza Balk), and Practical Magic (starring Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman... HOT!)
And now, as promised, the two-part episode of Dream Within A Dream...
Tale #5: "Damn Jehovah's Witnesses!"
Original Air Date: 3/1/2005
It's an ice-cold morning in the dead of winter. I'm in a car with my older brother, driving along Mountain Road en route to Northeast High. He makes a left turn at the light and we're stuck in a traffic jam behind a pickup truck.
I sigh and look out the driver's side window and all of a sudden, it's pitch black outside... and my father's in the car now! I see a strange woman resembling Angela Bassett on the side of the road. She comes closer to the car and since I think she's a Jehovah's witness, I'm sitting in the car hoping that she'll just disappear... or that the traffic light will turn green.
Well, the woman, a minister, and another female solicitor jump into the back of the pickup truck in front of us. Since they start talking to us, we get out of the car and join them. Since they are "holy" people, I plaster on my smile and greet them warmly.
We get ready to shake hands and for some reason, I'm afraid that they might think I have an evil essence. So hesitantly, I shake hands with the minister. Whew, nothing happens. BUT when my brother shakes hands with him, we all hear demonic groans and hisses.
Next thing I know, my brother is writhing around on the van in pain, holding his arms out to me, screaming for my help! I alone try to help him, running over to him as his body melts and twists and he transforms into a hideous pretzel-like goblin! Before I can reach him, he is launched into the night sky and simply says, "Pray for me."
And I do.
Tale #6: "CODE RED!"
Original Air Date: 3/1/2005
I'm a police officer standing on the top floor of the local high school, which resembles the one in Mean Girls, students are grabbing each other's hair, beating each other senseless, and even, slinging spit at each other. *cringe* To make things even more chaotic, a gang of thugs burst in through the front door, take out their machine guns, and start littering the place with bullets. Miraculously, I believe no one was actually shot when this happened.
I sprint over to an interrogation room door. It's actually a half-door, and since the door is locked, I decide to climb in via the top half of the door BUT since my hips are too wide to fit the space, I have to strip down to my tighty-whitey underwear and wriggle my way into the room. While I'm half-naked, wiggling through the tight space, I feel like I'm flying.
I enter the room and I see Mr. LeFrancois along with Lt. Dangle and Junior (from Reno 911). They are laughing and clapping and there's a candle-lit birthday cake on the table.
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