Theme Song: "Mondo Bongo" - Joe Strummer (from Mr. & Mrs. Smith)
Previously on Chaos Under The Big Top... James was dressed up for his performance at the Majestic Theater; however, the burning sensation in his crotch becomes too painful, causing him to collapse like a sack of potatoes.
It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. Hell, even my clothes hurt! So for about 20 minutes, I don't even attempt to move; I just lie there on the carpet curled up in the fetal position. Utterly powerless I think, "Am I going to die alone in the dark on a Friday night?"
No. *opens eyes* Suddenly, a sense of determination arises within me and I know I have to work through the pain and get some rest in my actual bed. My night turns into the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan (or rather, Saving Ryan's Privates) as I desperately crawl on my elbows and knees. I leap onto the bed and wiggle out of my clothes as quickly as possible.
I lie on the bed--on my back since the bump is extremely tender and has grown to the size of a golf ball. I put on a movie to take my mind off the bump--Y Tu Mama Tambien (funny Spanish flick, BTW). I try to sleep but I can’t even keep my eyes closed, I keep wincing in pain—my eyes are twitching, water squirts out uncontrollably; I lie for two hours opening and closing my eyes, my crotch throbbing, until I finally give up on sleep. I hop into the shower and do a 90-minute hot compress as the doctor ordered. I watch the steam rise up and I’m shocked b/c A) My package can tolerate this intense heat, and B) I actually enjoy this. Luckily after 90 minutes in the HOT shower, I don’t overcook my noodle.
The pain goes away for a little bit. But 5 minutes later it comes back with a vengeance! The mind-numbing sting has spread to my thighs. My mind races as I start wishing I had let knife-happy Dr. Kinsella operate on me when he first offered; frantically, I think of where I’m hiding the toenail clipper. Then I realize how crazy I’m sounding. You know you’re in pain when you’re tempted to find any sharp object and hack open your sack. I’m delirious! I’m all-tipsy with crazy (and that Cipro crap)!
I finally fall asleep for about 2 hours; Sean’s still not back. I wake up and I can feel the pain subsiding. I move my fingers around under the covers and I feel a puddle. In a panic I throw the sheets off my body only to discover I’m lying in a pool of my own blood, etc. However, I’m overwhelmed with joy. The lump has exploded. Tick… Tick… BOOM! And I watch as the monster slowly but surely disappears, restoring my crotch to its most beautiful. Oh, happy day! I’m so happy and relieved that I take a picture, but that’s staying in my own private collection. M’hmm. One thing's for sure: I’ll never take James and the Giant Peaches for granted again… ever!
Three days later I merrily return to the doctor’s office for a follow-up. The pain is gone but there’s still a little bit of tumor left. Dr. Kinsella tells me he’s going to make sure it doesn’t come back… he’s going to stab it with a 6-inch needle. Beautiful. I lie there helpless on the hospital bed and brace myself for the blow; I just pretend I’m Special Agent Candyman getting a Prince Albert piercing. In the end, I spend so much my time bracing myself that I don’t realize I’ve already been stabbed. What can I say? ‘Twas just a little prick. Thank God that’s all over.
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